[Bagpuss]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

1. Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to bathroom. If partner seen, shake knob at her making the 'Woo' sound.

3. Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs. Admire size of knob in mirror scratch privates and smell fingers for one last whiff.

4. Get in shower. Don't bother to look for washcloth - don't use one.

5. Wash face and armpits. Wash privates and the surrounding area.

6. Wash butt, leaving hair on the soap.

7. Crack up how loud farts sound in the shower.

8. Shampoo hair but don't use conditioner.

9. Make shampoo mohican. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.

10. Pee in shower.

11. Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole time.

12. Partialy dry off. Look at self again, flex muscles and admire knob (again)

13. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. Leave bathroom light and fan on.

14. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass partner, pull off towel, grab knob, go 'yeah baby' and thrust pelvis at her.

15. Put on yesterdays clothes.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.

2. Walk to the bathroom wearing a long dressing gown. If partner seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

3. Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat.

4. Get in shower. Look for face cloth, arm cloth, loincloth, long loafer, wide loafer and pumice stone.

5. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

6. Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

7. Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamphrey conditioner with enhanced Crocus Oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red raw. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

9. Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure its all come off.

10. Shave armpits and legs with partner's razor. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

11. Scream loudly when partner flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot.

12. Turn off shower. Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex.

13. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.

14. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If partner seen, cover up any exposed areas then rush to bedroom to spend hour and a half getting dressed.