Joke Of The Day

[AccyMad]

A rabbit walked into a pub one day, approached the bar & asked the landlord for a pint of bitter & a cheese & ham toastie. Astonished as the landlord was, he served the rabbit who proceeded to eat his food & savour his pint while the locals looked on in amazement.
The next day, the rabbit turned up again with exactly the same request - again he was served, this carried on for weeks. Word got round & the pub was packed every day, with people amazed by what they were seeing. The landlord was happy, the rabbit was happy until one day when the rabbit came in & asked for his usual pint & cheese & ham toastie the landlord was heard to say, "I'm sorry, we're clean out of ham,I could make you a cheese & onion toastie if that will suffice?"
The rabbit considered this & accepted the change, ate his toastie & drank his pint before leaving.
The next day there was no sign of the rabbit nor the next or the next until the people stopped flocking to the pub & life went back to normal for the landlord.
Then, one day the landlord noticed a strange mist in the doorway of the pub, taking a closer look he saw an image of the rabbit.
Curiously, he edged forward & whispered "Rabbit, is that you - what happened?"
"Unfortunately, said the rabbit, I died a few weeks ago"
"I'm so sorry" said the landlord "What was the cause"
The rabbit replied "Mixin-me-toasties"

[DaveinGermany]

Just a quickie, if you get an e-mail from the Dept for Health saying not to eat tinned pork due to it containing Covid-19, ignore it, it's Spam!

[gpick24]

Why are the Chinese no good at cricket?
Because they eat all the bats


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[DaveinGermany]

Originally Posted by gpick24

Why are the Chinese no good at cricket?
Because they eat all the bats


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Now that's a 10 on the Ouch scale.

[gpick24]

Originally Posted by DaveinGermany

Now that's a 10 on the Ouch scale.

Too soon Dave?


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[gpick24]

Woke up this morning with a temperature and cough, later in the day I had an irresistible urge too sing frank sinatra songs so went to the docs, turns out I have crooner virus.


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[dotti34]

To all those people panic buying, make sure you stock up on condoms so you don't produce any more idiots.

[Margaret Pilkington]

I am sure the way some people are buying toilet rolls that idiots are born with two bum holes (sanitised with cuticura to prevent offence)

[Margaret Pilkington]

I hope the weather is good tomorrow....I am heading off to the Costa Backyard....I am fed up with the food at Costa Kitchen...and the beach is way too crowsws.

[dotti34]

It was a quiet Monday morning in September 2053, when John awoke with a need to go to the bathroom.
To John, this wasn’t just any ordinary day. This was the day he would open the last package of toilet paper his parents bought in the year 2020.

[dotti34]

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience.

When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone.

Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house”.

[dotti34]

Angry wife: “I should have married the devil, he would make a better husband than you.”
Husband: “They would have arrested you. Marriage between relatives is illegal in this country.”

[dotti34]

Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down! Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron straightened me out as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing.

The vacuum was very unsympathetic... told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over! The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip. The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to ........yes, you guessed it .....pull myself together

[dotti34]

and finally, for today at least....


I once got into so much debt that
I couldn't even afford to pay my electricity bills.
They were the darkest days of my life.

[Stevie R]

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex viz you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £50 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do a little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'

'Ah,' says the German . .
'zat is ze....
Four-sprung Duck technique'