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The Musings of a Mule.

This being the thoughts & commentaries, musings & ponderation of said Donkey. A rather irrelevant look at life & its aspects seen through the eyes of someone who finds thistles ........ rather tasty !
Rating: 2 votes, 5.00 average.

And now for something completely different !

Posted 14-11-2010 at 18:08 by DaveinGermany

As the last few posts on the blog site have been somewhat introspective & as such given us food for thought & a chance to try to perceive the vagaries of life & our reason for being. A rather noble aim I'll admit & one which we occasionally require to ensure we keep a sensible perspective in all our dealings on this mortal coil. However ! I have no intention of following in this vein but will be striking out in the direction of ribaldry, merriment & chuckleism !

As my last attempt at penmanship lays a wee while back I find my last set of musing sandwiched between two fine female authors of quite some renown, the inimitable MargeP & the silky Shill. Sandwiched, rather like the filling of a Butty ! ( A rather pleasant Butty don't get me wrong, but a Butty non the less) That then being the case it hath set my mind to a wandering, it doesn't require much to set my cogitations off on a tangent & this Butty has done just that ! ladies either side, stuck in the middle, strange set of circumstances, when did that last happen ? Where ? Hamburg ! As you see, an insight into the convoluted process which brings me neatly round to the ensuing anecdote.

Many moons ago I used to drive deliveries for a rather well known UK Beer producer, day & night, come hell or high water I'd travel the length & breadth of the Fatherland, my mission ! The distribution of liquid British culture in 30 & 50 litre barrels, or mini dollops of culture in bottles to these uncultured heathens who know no better. Ably assisted in my ventures by my constant sidekick, how best to describe him, black, lazy, smelly, cantankerous, bad breath & generally quite offensive, he was also half Belgian/German (Shepherd/Wirehair) not an ideal mix, & found nothing offensive in dropping down & licking his bits in public, he was to all intents & purposes a most horrendous Hound ...... but everyone loved him ! And before some smart harse comes up with the crack about pets & owners ..... don't right, it's all crap, not a word of truth in it !( and there is no way I'd ever be that flexible )

Moving swiftly on, every second Thursday was Hamburg, more specifically the "Reeperbahn" (some of our more adventurous readers will be going misty eyed & perchance a surreptitious little scratch ) arriving at target, bomb doors open, er sorry ! Van doors open this golden cargo would be deposited in the cellars of the Pubs & Bars, me scrabbling about in the dark & dingy confines of a harbour town Pub while the smelly despots trail could be ascertained by the squeals & giggles of buxom serving Wenches & ladies of negotiable affections as he ambled around, sticking his smelly snout as & where he pleased ! Somewhat miffed (& a trifle jealous) I'd venture above ground again & if I was a lucky Lad I got a brew or a drink of pop, no Bikkies mind, no guessing who'd had them ! After a chat with the Girls & the staff, I'd cash up & head off to the next drop with wads of dosh in my pouch (Funny thing that, no one had any money but the Landlords all paid Cash ? )

Now as with all walks of life there is inevitably a hierarchy & this milieu was no different, most deliveries were centred around 3/4 streets off the "Reeperbahn" (Some form of map may be helpful here) We'd turn right into Davidsstraße by the most famous Cop shop in Hamburg the "Davidswache" & as I proceeded in a Southerly direction, there were 3 streets off to my right (see what I did there Copper talk, yeah ! ) the first Friedrichstraße which you followed to the end & had to go left into Gerhardtstraße off which came a rather special street closed to traffic called Herbertstraße until you had to go left again at the next road Erichstraße which eventually brought you back to Davidsstraße & semi sensibility.

As to the hierarchy, the charming young ladies with ample wares & most of it on display could be found within the hallowed edifice of Herbertstraße, these lasses were top of their game so to speak enshrined within their window boxes for all to view amidst the tinsel, flashing neon lights, & all things sparkly & sequinned (like Blackpool with norks & on viagara) you'd come out the other side sweating like a fat kid in a cake shop ! This was undoubtedly the best on offer. Then we'd have the slightly older, bit more world weary parading themselves along the Erichstraße between the pubs, run down seedy shops of special interest & the sex museum. As a lad of 29 I thought I knew may way around & was worldly wise .... how wrong can you be ? After gawping & stammering like a simpleton on hearing various descriptions, definitions & practical uses of various items on display, ears tingling & a rather fetching shade of red I scuttled out rather hurriedly back to the safety of the Van & my smelly hairy companion.

For my last drop I had to park in the Friedrichstraße, here really was the last level of negotiable affections, (that could reasonably be displayed in public without a warning) Two somewhat older ladies camped out at opposite ends of the street who would've been better suited to cardies, thick long tweed skirts & scented with lavender water as opposed to leatherette short skirts, fishnets & see through blouses I parked the Van & was confronted by me gran in a basque (Gwahr) with a fluffy white poodle on a pink & sparkly lead ! No I wasn't interested in a good time & playing around ! Can't stand Golf, ah that good time & that playing around, why did she know the number of Kylie ? Some choice German phrases emphasised with hand gestures (I think she meant once & there was definitely an OK gesture ) And I should move my Van so potential punters ???? Would be able to see her, couldn't quite get her to understand that that wasn't such a sparkling idea, oh well ! So to keep the peace I jumped in the Van & reversed up a bit, only to be confronted by the Harpy from the other end of the street ! In the end I just abandoned the Van in the middle of the street, lobbed the barrels out & took refuge in the Pub round the corner, much to the amusement of the staff on hearing about my misfortunes.

Eventually I plucked up courage & returned to the Van only to be once again harangued by these aged courtesans, not a happy bunny, the smelly one lay there grinning, with that contemptuous Doggy grin they have, which set me to thinking now there's a thought . I started the Van up & crept along the street to the gran in a basque, thinking her fortunes had changed & that I'd had a change of heart she approached the Van, winding the window down I looked out she looked in (adding up the price already) "How much ?" I casually asked, starting to repeat by rote from €30,00 upwards for various services & delights even the stranger & more downright confusing experiences were available, speel ended she stepped back grinning at my consternation to which I smilingly replied "I meant the Poodle !"

Well I never, what a string of profanity Apart from being classed as a deviant, despicable pervert & various other rather descriptive & inventive names, I carried on grinning inanely waiting to eventually get my reply in "I meant for my Dog !" silence, up came the smelly black one's head, tongue hanging out & I swear he was leering at the Poodle ! As I saw her draw breath to continue her diatribe I slipped the Van into gear & headed off, never mind maybe she would've forgotten in 2 weeks time !

Like I said off on a tangent brought about by conditions beyond my control Thank you ladies for jolting the old subconscious & stirring up the porridge I have that passes for brains !

Take care all & thanks for reading .....
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Total Comments 6


  1. Old Comment
    Margaret Pilkington's Avatar
    Dave, have just tickled the tears out of me.
    I was crying with laughing so much that I could hardly read the words.......brilliant, truly brilliant.
    I am chuffed to little mint balls to think that you consider me 'n' Jen to be 'fine authors'.....I just thought I was a little old scribbler in wrinkly tights.(and I'm only speaking for myself here)

    This business of other bloggers jogging blogs out of other bloggers( hope you aren't confused by that) is spot on......that is why it would be good to have a few more of us rattle loose some memories.
    Keep up the good work son.
    Posted 14-11-2010 at 18:31 by Margaret Pilkington Margaret Pilkington is offline
  2. Old Comment
    shillelagh's Avatar
    me a fine author!!! .. im not in margarets atmosphere .. she's up there down here ... cant wait for spugs to read this .. sandwiched between us ... lol

    by the way love the pics .. hes a cutie ....
    Posted 14-11-2010 at 21:33 by shillelagh shillelagh is offline
  3. Old Comment
    garinda's Avatar
    I used to work i n the offices of a fashion magazine, just off there.

    The girls had me sussed, and didn't waste any valuable advertising time on me, touting for business.

    Odd that.

    I did become friendly with a few, and they were lovely.
    Posted 14-11-2010 at 21:34 by garinda garinda is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Margaret Pilkington's Avatar
    I have to disagree Jen.......we might have a different style, but that is because we are different people...see things differently.
    I don't see you as being down are right beside me...we have our arms round each other shoulders.....mates.
    Or that is how I see it!
    Posted 15-11-2010 at 07:22 by Margaret Pilkington Margaret Pilkington is offline
  5. Old Comment
    mez's Avatar
    dave, loved it & as mrs p says brilliant keep on typing ...mez x x
    Posted 15-11-2010 at 08:29 by mez mez is offline
  6. Old Comment
    DaveinGermany's Avatar
    Thanks everyone for all the positive feed back, glad you've enjoyed it.
    Posted 15-11-2010 at 15:54 by DaveinGermany DaveinGermany is offline

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