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The Musings of a Mule.

This being the thoughts & commentaries, musings & ponderation of said Donkey. A rather irrelevant look at life & its aspects seen through the eyes of someone who finds thistles ........ rather tasty !
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So here we are & yes its been a while.

Posted 19-08-2022 at 19:11 by DaveinGermany
Updated 19-08-2022 at 19:36 by DaveinGermany

August 2022 & after a long absence I've returned to the fold of scribes. Initially the return won't be in my usual vein of jocular mayhem as I intend to explain my abstinence on these pages so please bear with me on this one, eventually normal service will be resumed.

So the last time I graced these pages it was to confirm the passing of our "Kleines Madel" & from that point on things didn't really get much better but life goes on. (We) I have had a pretty tumultuous few years leading to this present point in time & if you will allow me I'd like to open up to my friends on here.

So about mid 2017 Marion was getting lots of pains & problems (not me this time ) & as such was backwards & forwards to doctors & specialists plus in & out of clinics / hospitals, then at the back end of 17, heading into early 2018, it was confirmed she had bowel cancer along with some other areas being lightly affected. What can you do? We took the advice & Marion endured the indignities & invasiveness of going through "Chemo". Our lives put on hold while we fought the good fight.

Now, about the same time the friends house we'd been living in had been put up for sale, it couldn't be helped, he needed the cash to expand his business, we had first refusal but it was beyond our means, so the search for somewhere new was added to the tribulations of Marions cancer treatment. As it was, Marion was getting really beaten up by the sessions & things weren't exactly rosy, but the Docs seemed to think things could be beaten (how wrong they were).

August 2018 came around & we'd found a half decent place back out Bramsche way so again, boxes where packed & once more we were moving home. Marion had had enough & stepped back from the treatments as they seemed to be worse than the conditions, even the doctors agreed it was probably for the best, take a short break then come back in 2019 & start in again. We headed back to UK in September to see family & friends, which was just aswell as it would be Marions last time as hindsight proved. It seemed as though she'd gained a second wind being "Home" & we got back to Germany somewhat more hopeful. The Boxes were unpacked & we actually moved in properly, Marion finally had the home she'd always wanted & we had a tentative hope things would work out.

As December came around, things changed, she became poorly again, spoke to the professionals & they advised Marion come in in January 2019. Jan 10th came around & i'd said my goodbyes the night before, I couldn't get away on the 10th so a friend would take Marion in. That was the last time she left our "Home". While being examined she took a turn & was admitted into the hospital. My time over the following month & a bit revolved around getting up going to work, coming home, packing things & off to the hospital, then week-ends where divided between home maintainence & hospital wards.

Then on the 8th of Feb 2019, I got the call I knew was coming but could do nothing about, there had been a deteriation & my Marion had been moved to a private quieter room (palliative). I should apply for sick leave & pack a bag, there was a place in the room for me to stay. I won't & don't need to go into detail, but to watch someone you love & care for regress to a stranger & there's not a damn thing you can do to help them, ease their pain & suffering or do anything to change the inevitable consequences, it rips the soul & heart out of you, leaves you hollow & crushed.

As I said, I was there until the end I wouldn't have had it any other way as in the early hours of Friday 15th of Feb (03.05 am) holding her close, my Marion slipped away from us, I think she was holding out for this particular date so I wouldn't have to think to hard about dates as it was the same day as my Mum had died back in 1985.

My life from that point on was a haze, I knew not if I was coming or going, I was merely functioning, doing things by rote. My patience & empathy went out the window, raging against the unfairness & bitterness of my life & the good fortune of others, I couldn't stand to see others enjoying what I'd lost so withdrew from taking part in life because mine was so abruptly over. All the things I'd put up with in the past were now red rags, no longer tolerant of fools & their opinions I alienated many folk by speaking honestly. Yeah, I was on a road to self destruct, yet I was saved from myself by family & good friends who stood by me & gave support unasked for despite my abrasiveness & bluntness, these people I owe a huge debt to for their tolerance, patience & loyalty.

When I eventually got on an even keel, I realized things needed to change, I was now alone had bills to pay & a life to try to restructure & get on with, that I had to move on was hard to accept, but accept it I must. That being the case I cast about for a better paying job to cover my costs & get away from the Idiots who'd so riled me in my previous job. Check, that's why I'm doing what I am now & in all honesty if not for Marion passing I wouldn't be doing what I am & as it stands I'm reasonably content in what I'm doing.

I still miss my "Girls" & I greet them every morning & wish them sleep tight every night before I slip off to a peaceful darkness. And it took me until about April this year to pack Marions clothes away & "let go", but the opportunity arose due to the arrival of some Ukranian lasses & their kids, they had nothing, I had something they could use & need & I do believe had Marion still been about she'd have been hading over her stuff readily enough, as that was how she was, always concerned for others, I suppose that was one of her many traits that kept us contentedly bound together for over 30+ years.


So here we are August 2022, my life continues on & although there is a part of me that is missing & can never be replaced, at least I can reflect on the good of it, which is more than some folk can. I do believe I will stay as I am to my end of days, I'm to set in my ways & have my routines to allow someone new into my life, basically I'm a grumpy owd git, but hey, I can live with that folks, so worry not for me & my chosen direction of travel It's my choice & I'm good with that.

So if you've managed to make it to this point, thank you for your tenacity & understanding through my life journey so far, I intend to be upbeat in future postings so give me the benefit of the doubt on this one.
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 401 Comments 16
Total Comments 16

Comments

  1. Old Comment
    cashman's Avatar
    dave i understand mate,what you been through, i lost my mum,dad and my first wife to it. it dont get easy it gets a bit better is all you can say.marion was a great lady and its very hard.all yeh can do is bat on,hope to see yeh again at some point,
    Posted 20-08-2022 at 09:53 by cashman cashman is offline
  2. Old Comment
    DaveinGermany's Avatar
    Cheers Olly, I know you knew because we talked about it at the Oxford match when I came across with my Dad, back in Oct 2019.

    Aye, we'll catch up again don't you doubt it mate, but it'll probably be next year though, as I made a flying visit to UK a couple of weeks ago for a family get together.
    Posted 20-08-2022 at 10:06 by DaveinGermany DaveinGermany is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Margaret Pilkington's Avatar
    Oh Son….my heart breaks for you.
    There are no words in any language on this earth or any other, that adequately reflect my sadness for you.
    I wish you peace and the continued support from your family and friends.
    I send you a hug….((((((((((x))))))))))
    Posted 26-08-2022 at 18:38 by Margaret Pilkington Margaret Pilkington is offline
  4. Old Comment
    DaveinGermany's Avatar
    Thank you! Much appreciated Ma, no real need to say much more as we've spoken elsewhere, take care & kindest regards to you & yours.
    Posted 26-08-2022 at 21:27 by DaveinGermany DaveinGermany is offline
  5. Old Comment
    Dave, what a heartbreaking blog you have shared with us, but thank you for doing so, and for allowing us in. I know you didn’t write this for sympathy but I will tell you I shed a few tears while reading it, and my heart goes out to you. Such a brave fight your Marion fought, with you walking beside her every step of the way. The written word might cover the facts but the emotional stress and heartbreak suffered are beyond words, indescribable, and sadly are what those left behind have to bear. My kindest thoughts go out to you. Keep strong.
    Posted 27-08-2022 at 00:54 by dotti34 dotti34 is offline
  6. Old Comment
    Marion would have given you the thumbs up for what you have done with her clothes. It took me a year to let my husband’s things go but when I did I gave them to men who had nothing. I knew he would have approved.
    Posted 27-08-2022 at 00:56 by dotti34 dotti34 is offline
  7. Old Comment
    DaveinGermany's Avatar
    Thank you for your comments Dotti, they're appreciated as much as those from other folk who have put down their thoughts.

    I know that you are well aware of the turmoil & upheaval such an event causes, because while Marion was fighting her fight & I traipsed along in her wake trying to collect the pieces, you were also around the same time fighting your own personal battle in support of your good man.

    We've both been through the wringer on this one & sadly we lost. Yet that said, we can still offer hope & support for others still facing ongoing adversity caused by this indiscriminate vile disease.
    Posted 27-08-2022 at 10:22 by DaveinGermany DaveinGermany is offline
  8. Old Comment
    Thank you, Dave, for those understanding words. Yes, my Keith lost his fight nine days after your Marion lost hers, and so, like many other people who have travelled that path, we both know what it is to lose a loved one and to not be able to do more for them than to hold their hand, though I can’t say we will ever understand why it has to be. I found that putting my thoughts down on paper and also sharing those thoughts and that journey on this site was a great help. I hope that by ‘opening up’ and sharing yours it has helped you too.
    Posted 28-08-2022 at 04:38 by dotti34 dotti34 is offline
  9. Old Comment
    DaveinGermany's Avatar
    You're Welcome "Auntie" Dotti (ask Ma ) Aye, I do belive you're right, opening up to the goodly folk on here no matter about what certainly helps. Either they've been in a similar situation & understand & other times just their simple support & kindly words help to ease our worries & woes.
    Posted 28-08-2022 at 07:44 by DaveinGermany DaveinGermany is offline
    Updated 28-08-2022 at 16:44 by DaveinGermany
  10. Old Comment
    Am more than happy to be your Auntie Dotti, Dave. Thank you.

    (Yes, Margaret, our very special and caring mutual friend, did tell me).
    Posted 29-08-2022 at 02:01 by dotti34 dotti34 is offline
    Updated 29-08-2022 at 02:16 by dotti34
  11. Old Comment
    Margaret Pilkington's Avatar
    Aww…you are making me blush
    Posted 29-08-2022 at 11:00 by Margaret Pilkington Margaret Pilkington is offline
  12. Old Comment
    Margaret Pilkington's Avatar
    Son…as to the someone new.
    Well, it is too early to perhaps take up that way forward, but never say never.
    You never know who you may meet and a solitary life is a bit hard to swallow.
    Companionship of another person may come..or it may not.
    I kind of hope it does because sharing life and experiences is rewarding.
    Keep on doing what you are doing because it seems like you are winning.
    Posted 29-08-2022 at 11:09 by Margaret Pilkington Margaret Pilkington is offline
  13. Old Comment
    DaveinGermany's Avatar
    Aye Auntie Dotti, thats the one
    Posted 29-08-2022 at 14:17 by DaveinGermany DaveinGermany is offline
    Updated 29-08-2022 at 14:32 by DaveinGermany
  14. Old Comment
    DaveinGermany's Avatar
    You could be right Ma, but being the grump I am & set in my ways, added to that I'm not even looking or contemplating heading back into that messy, hormone & ardour fueled pool. I think I'll just be the"Uncle" that everyone shoves in the corner with a couple of pints to keep me out of mischief & as long as the pints keep coming I can't be about embarrasing folk now can I?

    I get the point to about sharing experiences & doing things together & I did plenty with Marion so always have that to reflect on. Admittedly at the beginnig, coming home to an empty house & no-one to talk to really did hurt & I was pretty much a recluse, but now, I can deal with it a whole lot better. In fact, sometimes after being out on the road for a couple of nights, it's actually quite okay to come back to a bit of peace & quiet & my own bed.
    Posted 29-08-2022 at 14:30 by DaveinGermany DaveinGermany is offline
  15. Old Comment
    Margaret Pilkington's Avatar
    No Son, I am not advocating that hormone filled thrashing and pashing.
    Of course you have those memories that you made with Marion and those will be your life raft when those waves of sadness just swell up and surprise you……but you have a long life(I hope) ahead of you.
    In excess of three decades, so who is to say what might happen, or who you might meet.
    Yes, right now it seems unthinkable, but companionship(not passion) is very under-rated.
    It is good to have someone to meet up with, share a sunset with, celebrate a birthday with.
    Never say Never.
    Posted 29-08-2022 at 16:27 by Margaret Pilkington Margaret Pilkington is offline
  16. Old Comment
    DaveinGermany's Avatar
    Points noted & stored Ma.
    Posted 29-08-2022 at 16:51 by DaveinGermany DaveinGermany is offline
 

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