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Old 20-04-2004, 22:21   #1
God Member
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Lancashire dialect

Just found this website and then I wondered if anyone still did monologues you know them funny ones my dad used to tell us this one on the way to Blackpool


I'll tell you an old-fashioned story
That Grandfather used to relate,
Of a joiner and building contractor;
'Is name, it were Sam Oglethwaite.

In a shop on the banks of the Hynburn,
Old Sam used to follow 'is trade,
In a place you'll have 'eard of, called Accrington

You know, where black puddings is made.

One day, Sam were filling a knot 'ole
Wi' putty, when in thro' the door
Came an old feller fair wreathed wi' whiskers;
T'ould chap said 'Good morning, I'm Noah.'

Sam asked Noah what was 'is business,
And t'ould chap went on to remark,
That not liking the look of the weather,
'E were thinking of building an Ark.

'E'd gotten the wood for the bulwarks,
And all t'other shipbuilding junk,
And wanted some nice Bird's Eye Maple
To panel the side of 'is bunk.

Now Maple were Sam's Monopoly;
That means it were all 'is to cut,
And nobody else 'adn't got none;
So 'e asked Noah three ha'pence a foot.

'A ha'penny too much,' replied Noah
'A Penny a foot's more the mark;
A penny a foot, and when t'rain comes,
I'll give you a ride in me Ark.'

But neither would budge in the bargain;
The whole daft thing were kind of a jam,
So Sam put 'is tongue out at Noah,
And Noah made ' long bacon' at Sam

In wrath and ill-feeling they parted,
Not knowing when they'd meet again,
And Sam had forgot all about it,
'Til one day it started to rain.

It rained and it rained for a fortni't,
And flooded the 'ole countryside.
It rained and it kept' on raining,
'Til the river stink were fifty mile wide.

The 'ouses were soon under water,
And folks to the roof 'ad to climb.
They said 'twas the rottenest summer
That Accy 'ad 'ad for some time.

The rain showed no sign of abating,
And water rose hour by hour,
'Til the only dry land were at Blackpool,
And that were on top of the Tower.

So Sam started swimming to Blackpool;
It took 'im best part of a week.
'Is clothes were wet through when 'e got there,
And 'is boots were beginning to leak.

'E stood to 'is watch-chain in water,
On Tower top, just before dark,
When who should come sailing towards 'im
But old Noah, steering 'is Ark.

They stared at each other in silence,
'Til Ark were alongside, all but,
Then Noah said: 'What price yer Maple?'
Sam answered 'Three ha'pence a foot.'

Noah said 'Nay; I'll make thee an offer,
The same as I did t'other day.
A penny a foot and a free ride.
Now, come on, lad, what does tha say?'

'Three ha'pence a foot,' came the answer.
So Noah 'is sail 'ad to hoist,
And sailed off again in a dudgeon,
While Sam stood determined, but moist.

Noah cruised around, flying 'is pigeons,
'Til fortieth day of the wet,
And on 'is way back, passing Blackpool,
'E saw old Sam standing there yet.

'Is chin just stuck out of the water;
A comical figure 'e cut,
Noah said: 'Now what's the price of yer Maple?'
Sam answered: 'Three ha'pence a foot.'

Said Noah: 'Ye'd best take my offer;
It's last time I'll be hereabout;
And if water comes half an inch higher,
I'll happen get Maple for nowt.'

'Three ha'pence a foot it'll cost yer,
And as fer me,' Sam said, 'don't fret.
The sky's took a turn since this morning;
I think it'll brighten up yet.'


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Old 20-04-2004, 23:46   #2
I am Band

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Space Invaders Champion!
Re: Lancashire dialect

'Ow do, by 'eck, tha' kno's, Bazf. It were reet gradely tha' ditty!
Connect it: Red > Yellow, Yellow > Blue, & Blew to ....'kin bits!

Any ramblings, meanderings, thoughts or musings are mine and mine alone. Any opinions expressed are Lettie's!
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Old 21-04-2004, 00:18   #3
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Re: Lancashire dialect

black puddins were made in bury best ones too
Ilove accy, thats why i moved back but now im up ossy
'The views expressed here are my own and are not necessarily those of the site'
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Old 21-04-2004, 00:19   #4
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Re: Lancashire dialect

an ill tl thy wot r kid thems best eten at bury mA rket hot too ////
Ilove accy, thats why i moved back but now im up ossy
'The views expressed here are my own and are not necessarily those of the site'
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Old 21-04-2004, 00:32   #5
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Re: Lancashire dialect

A few links here that might interest you Baz.
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Old 21-04-2004, 02:32   #6
God Member
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Re: Lancashire dialect

Thanks guys I know the original is from Bury and the Irwell, but as its the Accy web and as my dad said poetic licence......... as a kid I thought every part of history had some how a connection to Accy,when ever I came home and said something like " oh we have to do something about Henry viii" according to my dad the answer would be " you know he was in Accy drinking in the Kings Head when he decided can ask anyone"

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Old 22-06-2004, 20:39   #7
I am Banned

Re: Lancashire dialect

There are actually 48 of those monologues, they were all written by Walter Marriott EDGAR. I know them all. From ALbert undt Lion through th Somulent Posture. I've even written 3 of my own.

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Old 22-06-2004, 20:50   #8
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Re: Lancashire dialect

Somebody else wrote similar ones too I remember.

I haven't looked at those websites yet but I recall one about the Battle of Hastings " 'arold on 'is 'orse with 'is 'awk in 'is 'and" and one about Canute telling the waves to go back.

My kids love "Three 'Apence a Foot"

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Old 22-06-2004, 20:51   #9
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Re: Lancashire dialect

Is tha'up for this ?
Interested in local and family history for Accrington and surrounding towns
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Old 22-06-2004, 20:59   #10
I am Banned

Re: Lancashire dialect

Yes Stanley Holloway & Mable Constance Duras.

They are not a patch on those by Walter Marriott Edgar.
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