TRUE CONFESSIONS ,,(and nothing but the truth).......

fireman · 10-03-2005, 19:09

Right as the title says it's time to confess, that something you did or said that you have never told about. It can be funny , serious, confessional whatever but everyone has something to confess so lets have a bumper thread and a dam good laugh eh. I WILL START WITH SOMETHING I'M NOT PROUD OF BUT HAVE LAUGHED ABOUT IT.................
Picture the scene,. A few days earlier I had just taken delivery of my first new Mercedes. I was driving towards Blackpool on the M55, and overtaking a lorry at about 65mph. Suddenly whilst I was still alongside the lorry the driver started to wander into my lane, forcing me to mount the central reservation to avoid a collision. I WAS MAD. Various signs and gesticulations took place and I managed to get past the lorry . The driver was also gesticulating and flashing his lights. We were coming close to a turn off so I signalled to the driver to pull off the motorway and we will sort this out. Surprisingly he duly followed me up the slip road and we stopped on a hotel forecourt. We were both very soon out of our respective vehicles. " What the hell are you playing at you P----ck you nearly caused a seroious accident". The driver was very annoyed and quick to reply, "JUST BECAUSE YOU DRIVE A MERCEDES YOU THINK YOU OWN THE F-------G ROAD." My back was now up and I was feeling nasty....."I don't own the road at all but I have a right to drive on it without idiots like you almost running me off it." He quickly replied."I've met people like you beforeand you think you own the road". " I DON'T OWN THE ROAD I SAID BUT CAN I ASK YOU WHO OWNS THAT LORRY YOUR DRIVING?. The lorry was not lettered or anything to state an owner. " I don't know said the driver I just drive." "WEL LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING DRIVER, I OWN THAT WAGON SO YOU CHOSE THE WRONG ONE TO TRY TO RUN OFF THE ROAD AND CERTAINLY THE WRONG ONE TO ARGUE WITH, SO GET BACK INTO THE CAB, TAKE THE LORRY BACK TO THE DEPOT AND PICK UP YOUR CARDS AND NOW"
" Oh there is no need to take it that far said the driver, I have a wife and kids to support". "YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT EARLIER WHEN YOU WERE DRIVING LIKE AN IDIOT" " I'M SORRY SAID THE DRIVER BUT PLEASE DON'T FIRE ME I LEARNED MY LESSON" Too late I told him "Back to the depot and pick up your cards"
With that I got back into my car and left the driver as sick as a parrot by the roadside. Within a minute he was in his cab and heading back down the M55 from wence he came obviously working out how to tell his transport manager that he had been sacked. I bet he scanned the country for my car after that, but I would love to have been a fly on the wall in the transport manager's office.
YOUR TURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Margaret Pilkington · 10-03-2005, 19:40

OooooH I can't.......it is a really irreverent thing that I did !

fireman · 10-03-2005, 19:41

Get on with it we won't tell.

Margaret Pilkington · 10-03-2005, 19:41

And I got talked into it by a man who was training to be a man of the cloth!

fireman · 10-03-2005, 19:42

You started so you can finish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

fireman · 10-03-2005, 19:58

Come on margaret are you writing the NEW NEW TESTAMENT!!!!!!!!!!

Margaret Pilkington · 10-03-2005, 20:13

Oh well, pull up a chair this is going to be a long one!
In 1977 just before I took my nursing finals I was allocated to Medical nights.
We had a new auxiliary nurse just started on nights. She had done a month on day duty just to acquaint her with what was what.
This particular night we had a man who had been very poorly, die on us. He was in the side ward on Ward 7 at BRI. When someone died we always used to leave them for at least an hour before laying them out. I sent the auxiliary for her evening meal.
The charge Nurse who was on for the medical unit came to see what was happening just after the auxiliary had gone on her meal break. I told him that we had a man to be laid out, and that when the new Auxiliary came back from her meal break we would do it then. He knew that the auxiliary was inexperienced and said we could have a bit of fun with her. This charge nurse only worked at University holidays because he was training to be a vicar. Anyway to cut a very long story a bit shorter he talked me into laying the man out........and when this was done he rang for the porters to take his body to the mortuary. Then we stripped the bed and just put a bottom sheet and a top sheet on. The charge nurse got under the sheet and lay very still.
When the auxilliary came back from her break I asked her to get the back trolley ready to lay the body out......I asked her if she knew how to do this and she said she did.
I went off to get a shroud and the paper work, while she went to get the back trolley.
We arrived back at the room together and she went in first pushing the back trolley.
The room was in darkness I went in and just put the light on over the bed......the auxiliary was pouring water into the bowl to wash the body when the charge nurse sat up and groaned. Well, the auxiliary leaped OVER the trolley and ran out of the room onto the male side of the ward screaming and peeing.......all the men were wakened up and we had to break out the medicinal brandy to revive the poor auxiliary. We had to make tea and biscuits for all the patients......and we had to plead with the auxiliary not to report us for what we had done. I could see myself being struck off before I even qualified.

Margaret Pilkington · 10-03-2005, 20:18

Gave myself loads of extra work that night I did......all the men wanted to know what had happened and I told them that the new auxiliary hadn't seen a dead person before.

I am ashamed of myself......but I didn't learn my lesson.......I did more naughty things..... but you'll have to buy my book to find out about those.

Margaret Pilkington · 10-03-2005, 20:21

Sorry about the delay.....the baby woke up and I had to go and placate him!

Margaret Pilkington · 10-03-2005, 20:28

See......you are all disgusted with me now......boo hooo!

fireman · 10-03-2005, 20:30

I'm sure worse things happenned in the hospital I could tell you a few myself having been married to a nurse for 37 years. WELL YOU BU--ER.

Margaret Pilkington · 10-03-2005, 20:32

Always was! always will be!

fireman · 10-03-2005, 20:33

You and me too, hope that wagon driver aint on accyweb.

JohnW · 10-03-2005, 20:37

So, a local jazz pianist I knew had just started work at this club in Southport where I lived at the time. I would be in my mid to late twenties and I decided to go along and listen to him. I was out early and arrived at the club around 8:30 pm. The only people in the place were the guy on the door, a rather attractive barmaid and the owner of the club talking to a booze rep. I ordered a drink from the barmaid and she was very friendly and chatty. I asked what time the music started and she said not until 10 pm. I didn't fancy sitting there by myself for over an hour so I asked her if I went out to the pub for an hour would I have to pay again on the door when I returned. She told me no I would get in OK without paying. "How will the doorman know" I asked. "Oh, don't worry" she said, "I'll remember YOU" Emphasis on the 'YOU'. Looks promising I thought, so, off I went and returned to the club 10 minutes before the music was due to start. The doorman tried to charge me again so I told him the story and he called over to the barmaid who told him to let me in. I'd just made it to the bar, when the pianist, with whom I was well acquainted, arrived and came up to me and started chatting. I asked him what he was drinking and ordered both of us a drink. When the barmaid gave me my change there was a key in amongst it. Well, my head must have swelled visibly. I felt like James Bond. Nothing like that had ever happened to ugly little me before (or since for that matter). I had a couple of sips of my drink while she was serving other people and then I was just about to give her a knowing smile and ask her which door the key fitted when the pianist leaned over the bar and said, "Have you got the key to the piano love?" "I gave it to 'im" she replied, pointing dismissively at me. I had to make a big show of pretending to look in my pocket and 'discover' the key. Bloody 'ell, what a letdown. Head, along with everything else, shrinking back to normal size!!!

fireman · 10-03-2005, 20:41

Thats tough John bet you hate barmaids now eh! Order me a 7and7 for when i'm out their in may.