An easy way to commit suicide...lol - Page 10

Busman747 · 21-02-2005, 08:40

The National Road Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt. Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 95% when the belt is properly installed. Correct installation is illustrated below:

Busman747 · 24-02-2005, 12:58

Blonde passenger

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
"Hey..." asked the brunette at the wheel ,"Any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them.
"Yeah.......looks like it..."
"Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again......
"Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup. . ..."

pendy · 24-02-2005, 13:44

Who says Christopher Columbus didn't need directions?

He set off not knowing where he was going.

When he got there, he didn't know where he was.

When he got back, he told people he had been somewhere completely different.

Ring any bells, girls?

Busman747 · 24-02-2005, 15:56

male chauvenists!!!

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never
be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer
to
the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't.* There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course.* He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
a
bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Tinkerbelle · 24-02-2005, 16:11

Says it all guys lol!!

chav1 · 24-02-2005, 23:41

what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes..?

nothing because if she hasnt understood it the first 2 times it isnt going to sink in

i will now excuse myself and run for the hills

please forward any mail to the hut on the coppice where i will be hiding until mid july

WillowTheWhisp · 25-02-2005, 06:39

Quote:

Originally Posted by chav1

i will now excuse myself and run for the hills

please forward any mail to the hut on the coppice where i will be hiding until mid july

Typical man. He's hiding from us but told us where to find him.

Tinkerbelle · 25-02-2005, 14:24

Hope we haven't already had this pic but this thread is getting so long lol!!!

slinky · 25-02-2005, 14:40

Next you will be telling us the joke:::::::

What is the difference between woman and KFC, nothing once you have finished with legs and breast you just have a sticky box to put your bone in!!!!!!

Busman747 · 25-02-2005, 15:56

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tinkerbelle

Hope we haven't already had this pic but this thread is getting so long lol!!!

You were spot on Tinkerbelle, us men are not complicated, food and sex is just fine.....

-pixie · 25-02-2005, 17:26

Quote:

Originally Posted by Busman747

You were spot on Tinkerbelle, us men are not complicated, food and sex is just fine.....

But it would be nice if the majority of you could put down the pies during at least.

-pixie · 25-02-2005, 17:32

How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up

-pixie · 25-02-2005, 17:32

The 5 questions most feared by men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is
guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man
answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a
public service, each question is analyzed below, along with
possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer
to this, of course, is: " I'm sorry if I've been pensive,
dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky
I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no
resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of
the following:
a. Football.
b. Golf.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al
Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was
thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!"
or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes,
dear."

Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among
the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course
not!" Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win
question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a
Boat").

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an
hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with
pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Sh&%.

-pixie · 25-02-2005, 17:36

The Wifes Revenge

A wife arrived home and found her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him out of the house, into the tool shed in their back yard and put his penis in a vice. Securing it tightly and removing the handle of the vice, she then picked up a hacksaw.

Terrified, her husband screamed, Stop! Please! You aren't going to cut it off, are you?
Placing the saw in her husband's hand and with a gleam of revenge in her eye, the wife replied, Of course not! I'm going to set fire to the shed. You do whatever you have to!

Tinkerbelle · 25-02-2005, 17:36

Nice one pixie !!!