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Old 30-03-2012, 11:58   #1666
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A shipwrecked sailor had been drifting about on a raft for weeks,when one day he suddenly sighted land.As he came closer to the shore he saw a group of people on the beach building a gallows.
'Thank God!' cried the shipwrecked sailor.'A Christian country!'

What is it when a jester carries a nun? Virgin on the ridiculous.

How do you stop moles digging in the garden? Hide all the shovels.
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Old 31-03-2012, 12:00   #1667
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A scotsman was travelling across the Forth Bridge when he was asked for his ticket.After searching himself without success he told the ticket inspector he must have lost hi ticket.
The inspector did not believe this.so he questioned the Scotsman further,but the scot insisted on sticking to his story.
Eventually,the inspector lost his temper and threw the Scot's large suitcase over the bridge.
'Hoots, mon! complained the Scot.'First ye try to make me pay twice.and then ya droon ma wee boy!'
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Old 04-04-2012, 11:52   #1668
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Two nuns were cycling through some woods when a man jumped out and raped them.
'Oh!'said the first nun.'How are we ever going to explain to Mother Superior that we've been raped twice.'
'But we've only been raped once,'said the second nun.
'I know,'replied the first,'but aren't we going back that way?'

A man walked through the streets of Accrington today wearing only a newspaper. He said he liked to dress with --- The Times.

It was the old missionary in Africa who gave the tribe of cannibals their first taste of Christianity.
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Old 05-04-2012, 11:32   #1669
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Pretty young nurse:'Doctor,every time I take this young mans pulse it gets much faster.Should I give him a sedative or something?'
Doctor:'No. Just give him a blindfold.'

A man was trapped on the roof of a blazing block of flats this evening.He escaped by taking all his clothes off,looking at the astonished audience below, and walking down the stares.
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Old 06-04-2012, 12:34   #1670
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Re: Joke Of The Day

When I lived in lodgings my landlady kept some animals in the yard at the back of the house.
The first day I was there,one of the chickens died,so we had chicken soup.
The next day,the pig died,so I was offered pork chops.
The following day,the duck died,so we had roast duck with apple sauce.
The next day my landlady's husband died---so I left.

Receptionist:The doctor is so funny he'll soon have you in stitches.'
Patient:'I hope not---I only came for a check up.'
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Old 08-04-2012, 10:26   #1671
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Late last night a large hole was made in the walls surrounding Sunnyview Nudist Camp at Bigglehampton. Police are looking into it.

A Scotsman was fined for indecent conduct at Edinburgh on Friday.According to witnesses the man had continually wiped the perspiration off his forehead with his kilt.
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Old 09-04-2012, 11:48   #1672
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A lady dropped her handbag over the edge of a railway platform this morning.The porters refused to retrieve the handbag as they considered it beneath their station.

Worried woman:'Doctor,I'm worried about having a baby.'
Doctor:'But I gave you the pill.'
Worried woman:'Yes,I know.but it keeps falling out.'

'Doctor.doctor! I've just swallowed a spoon.'
'Sit down and don't stir.'
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Old 09-04-2012, 12:09   #1673
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Two Newfies (Newfoundlanders) went out fishing in a hired boat. They had great luck. One Newfie says to the other, "Boye, we should mark this spot." The other Newfie says, "Aye ... we'll paint us a cross on the bottom of the boat." "That won't do it," replies the first Newf; "How do you know they are going to rent us the same boat next time"?
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Old 10-04-2012, 12:20   #1674
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A very sporting country gentleman who put a silencer on his shotgun because he wanted his daughter to have a quite wedding.

Man:'Where's your dog?'
Friend:'I've had it put down.'
Man:'Was it mad?'
Friend:'Well,it wasn't exactly pleased.'
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Old 11-04-2012, 11:47   #1675
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Levi went to the Jewish burial ground and asked the rabbi if he could bury a cat.The rabbi was horrified.'You a good Jew,want to bury a cat in the graveyard,'he said.'Certainly not.'
'Then I can't give you the ten thousand pounds it left the synagogue in its will,'replied Levi sadly.
'Oh!'said the rabbi.'Why didn't you say it was a Jewish cat.'
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Old 12-04-2012, 12:15   #1676
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Modern technology is wonderful!In the bad old days we always used to burn the toast every breakfast time--now we can buy the latest automatic toaster and the burnt toast pops up automatically.
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Old 13-04-2012, 11:29   #1677
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The rather conceited politician was giving his usual long,boring speech--when one of his suffering audience could stand it no longer.
As a bullet whistled past the speaker's ear,the conceited speaker said:'I see my speech is so moving that a man in the front row was moved to commit suicide.Unfortunately,he needs an optician as the bullet just missed my ear.'
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Old 14-04-2012, 13:47   #1678
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A few of Frank Carson's

The Grim Reaper came for me last night,and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time...

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin,3 hours later and they were still walking about with it.I thought to myself, they've lost the plot.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday.so I went to our local pet shop and they were 70!!! blow this,I thought,I can get one cheaper off the web

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
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Old 15-04-2012, 10:53   #1679
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Re: Joke Of The Day

More from Frank Carson.

I start a new job in Seoul next week,I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up.The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30am this morning,can you believe that,2.30am?! Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Paddy says Nick I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.' Sod that says Mick 'have you seen how many of their owners go blind?'
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Old 16-04-2012, 10:46   #1680
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Yet More from Frank.

Man calls 999 and says I think my wife is dead' The operator says how do you know? He says 'The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!'

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor--she only had 1.20 in her purse.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.
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