Joke Of The Day

[Retlaw]

The Wooden Ball
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut,
but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.
But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".

[claytonx]

The meanest Scotsman in the world was the one who fired a revolver on Christmas Eve outside the door,then came in and told his children that Father Christmas had committed suicide.

What does a Hindu? Lay eggs.

[claytonx]

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal,and asks the first man he meets,'Do you want to go to heaven?'
The man said,'I do,Father.'

The priest said,'Then stand over there against the wall.'

The priest then asked the second man,'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly,Father,'the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,'said the Priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked,'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said,'No,I don't Father.'
The Priest said,'I don't believe this.You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said,'Oh,when I die,yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

[claytonx]

A young Italian girl was going on a date.
Her Nonna said:'Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a younga boys.
He's agonna try ana kiss you,you are agonna likea dat, but don't let him do that.
He's agonna try and kiss your b88bs,you are agonna likea dat too,but don'ta let him do that.
But most important,he's agonna try ana lay on topa you,you are agonna likea dat,but don'ta let him do that.doing thata willa disgraca the family.

With that bit of advice,the granddaughter went on her date.
The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted:
'Nonna,I didn't let him disgrace the family.When he tried,I just turned over,got on top of him,and disgraced his family

Nonna fainted!!

[claytonx]

An ancient Japanese General and an old British Major were talking.
'Why do you always win battles,whereas we always seem to lose all our wars,except the economic ones?' asked the Japanese General.
'Because we always pray to God before we go into battle,' replied the British Major.
'That's not so,because we also pray to God--but we never win.'
'Ah!'said the British Major,'but not everyone can understand Japanese.'

[claytonx]

'I think the war between Israel and Egypt is about to start all over again.'
'What makes you think that?'
'Because the Egyptians are having all their tanks rebuilt with reversing lights.

The judge found the blacksmith guilty of forging.

My wife is so bandy she hangs her drawers over a boomerang every night.

I would't say my husband was stupid-but when he went to a mindreader they gave him his money back.

[claytonx]

Newly married wife:'Darling,the women next door has got a coat exactly like mine.'
Husband:'I suppose that's a hint that you want a new coat?'
Wife:'Well it would be quite a lot cheaper than moving to a new house.'

[claytonx]

Policeman in witness box:'This woman came up to me when I was in plain clothes and tried to pass off this five pound note,m'lud.'
Judge 'Counterfeit?'
Policeman in witness box:Yes,m'lud,she had two.'

'Knock,knock.'
'Who's there?'
'You're a lady.'
'You're a lady who?'
'I didn't know you could yodel.'

[claytonx]

The magician on board a cruise ship used to do amazing tricks every night in the cabaret spot-but the captain's pet parrot always used to shout 'Phoney,phoney!'at the end of the magician's act.
One day the ship hit an iceberg and sank,but the magician and the parrot managed to cling to a piece of wood and float clear of the sinking ship.
After a few days of floating,the parrot turned an inquisitive beak to the magician and said:'O.K.,genius.I'm impressed,what have you done with the ship?'

'Knock,knock.'
'Who's there?'
'Irish stew.'
'Irish stew who?'
'Irish stew in the name of the law.'

[claytonx]

Married man:'In your sermon this morning,vicar,you said it was wrong for people to profit from other peoples mistakes.Do you really agree with that?'
Vicar:'Of course I do.'
Married man:'In that case,will you consider refunding the ten pounds I paid you for marrying me to my wife seven year ago?'

'Knock,knock.'
'Who's there?'
'Adolf.'
'Adolf who?'
'A dolf ball hid me in der moud and dat's why I talk fuddy.'

[claytonx]

The mother kangaroo suddenly leapt into the air gave a cry of pain and anguish.'Sidney!'she screamed.'How many more times do I have to tell you that you cannot smoke in bed!'

'Knock,knock.'
'Who's there?'
'The invisable man.'
'Well,tell him I can't see him.'

[claytonx]

A man rushed into a pub in a rather agitated state.'Does anyone here own a large black cat with a white collar?'he asked,somewhat nervously.Ther was no reply.
'Does anybody own a large black cat with a white collar?'asked the man again,raising his voice even higher above the general noise of the bar.But still no one answered his question.
'Oh dear,' muttered the man.'I must have run over the vicar.'

'The acoustics in this theater are fantastic.'
'Pardon?'

[claytonx]

Murphy,"I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic.I want you to take care of all me patients."
"Yes sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:"So Murphy,how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients."The first one had a headache so he did,so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad,and the second one?"asks the doctor.
"The second one had indegestion and I gave him Gaviscon,so I did sir"says Murphy.
"Bravo,bravo!You're good at this and what about the third one?"asks the doctor.
"Sir,I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman burts in so she does.Like a bolt outta the blue,she tears off all her clothes and lies down on the table and shouts :"HELP ME for the love of St Patrick!For five years I have not seen any man"
"Tunderin'lard Jesus Murphy,what did you do?"asks the doctor...
"I put drops in her eyes."

[claytonx]

Patient:'And if I take these little green pills exactly as you suggested,will I get better?'
Doctor:'well lets put it this way-none of my patients has ever come back for more of those pills.'

'I've just lost my dog.'
'Why don't you put an advertisement in the paper?'
'Don't be silly-my dog can't read.'

[claytonx]

A twin engine passenger plane has an engine failure and altitude and speed are decreasing rapidly.
The pilot speaks over the intercom.."I'm sorry it has come to this but we are going to have to jettison the luggage."
Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's speed continues to decrease.Once again the pilot gets on the intercom" I hate to do this but to save the majority we are going to have to start offloading some passengers.The only fair way is to do it alphabetically, "so we start with A are there any Africans on board?"There was no answer so the pilot said"Any Black people"again silence.
"C-coloured people?Are there any coloured people on board?
Still silence.
A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane tuned to his mother and said"Mum,aint we African? Aint we black? Aint we coloured"
She replied,"Yes,son but for the moment we is Niggers.Let them do the Muslims,if that don't work we is Zulus."