Joke Of The Day - Page 122

gpick24 · 27-03-2013, 12:43

A Lancashireman's wife dies and the widower decides that as a dedicated churchgoer her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.
True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look..
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".
He explodes: " 'ells bells man, you've left the bloody "e" out, you've left the bloody "e" out!"
The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud: "E, she were thin".

DtheP47 · 02-04-2013, 08:35

Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.I eventually upgraded to Fianc�e 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with CookingPlus and Cleanhouse2010. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle/Nailbar Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2013, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2013, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please!

gpick24 · 02-04-2013, 21:44

Quote:

Originally Posted by DtheP47

Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.I eventually upgraded to Fianc�e 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with CookingPlus and Cleanhouse2010. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle/Nailbar Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2013, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2013, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please!

You also need to watch out for the K.I.D.S virus, a serious resource hog.

flashman · 09-04-2013, 15:12

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the
pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a
week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam
didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find
out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but
one day,Sam approached the park and--lo and behold!--there sat Russ!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail! cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well, Russ said, 'you know Sue,that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah, said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court ,I pled 'guilty.

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

DtheP47 · 10-04-2013, 13:37

Just got back from a mates funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

Sunflower49 · 10-04-2013, 17:36

A woman in labour with twins had a difficult time and fell into a coma. When she awoke some weeks later, the first thing she said to the doctor was "Please tell me my babies are okay!?!"

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, your babies are fine, you're the mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. The only thing is, you've been in a coma so long we had to have the babies named.Your brother has done this for you".

"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's an IDIOT!"

The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your baby girl Denise."

"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew".

hassy rvr · 10-04-2013, 17:55

Rod Stewart has been asked to sing at Margaret Thatchers funeral..although "Wake up Maggie" may not be everyone,s favourite....

flashman · 11-04-2013, 00:31

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the
pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a
week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam
didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find
out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but
one day,

Sam approached the park and--lo and behold!--there sat Russ!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail! cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well, Russ said, 'you know Sue,that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah, said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court ,I pled 'guilty.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

hassy rvr · 11-04-2013, 14:21

My mate says every morning when he measures his allotment it,s a couple of inches smaller than the day before. I think he,s slowly losing the plot!!

DtheP47 · 11-04-2013, 20:15

RIP Sir Robert Edwards pioneer of IVF. He leaves his wife Ruth, 5 daughters, 12 grandchildren, his first success Louise Brown and about 15 million yucky test tubes.

DtheP47 · 19-04-2013, 19:42

One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up to the kerb beside him and the window was wound down.

'I'll give you a bag of midget gems if you get in the car', said the male driver.

'No way, get stuffed', replied the boy.

How about a bag of saspirillas and £10?' asked the driver

'I said no way', replied the irritated youngster.

'What about a bag of humbugs and FIFTY QUID, eh?' quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

'No, I'm not getting in your car!' answered the boy

'OK, I know what you want, I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies', the driver offered.

'NO,' screamed the boy.

'What will it take to get you into the car?' asked the driver with a long sigh.

The boy replied,

.

.

.

.

.

'Listen Dad, you bought the flipping Skoda, you live with it.'

butlins boy · 19-04-2013, 23:08

when margaret thatcher died,i did a big yipee and then punched the air,people were disgusted at me,dont blame them really but i was the first paramedic on the scene.

butlins boy · 19-04-2013, 23:11

whats the difference between arthur scargill and jimmy saville,nothing really,they both liked being with miners

butlins boy · 19-04-2013, 23:14

i was in the bath one day and my young son came in as i was getting dry and said whilst pointing down between my legs, dad why is the hair on your head white and your hair down there all dark,i said son,i ain't got no worries down there.

DtheP47 · 20-04-2013, 09:43

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her train seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart".

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his mobile phone in public any longer.