Joke Of The Day - Page 128

dotti34 · 18-12-2013, 19:00

No one believes seniors…everyone thinks they are senile. An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had returned to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."  
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet.  Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.  There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!  Andy said, "We've got to give it back."  Sally said, "Finders keepers."  She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.   
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"  Sally said, "No".  Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.  Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile"  
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.  One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."  Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...."  The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"

dotti34 · 18-12-2013, 19:03

Wine does not make you FAT .....  

- it makes you LEAN ....... 

(Against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.)

dotti34 · 20-12-2013, 04:14

It was Christmas day and everyone was seated around the table as the food was
being served. When little Billy received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Billy, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Billy explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL.

dotti34 · 07-01-2014, 00:58

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go? Wonder no more - let one who knows explain.  It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
 "Freeze a jolly good fellow"   "Freeze a jolly good fellow." Then they kick him in the ice hole.

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

dotti34 · 08-01-2014, 05:42

The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're OK. then it's you!

REMEMBER, A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!

dotti34 · 08-01-2014, 05:43

Here's some new and old Irish jokes - my apologies to the Irish.

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,
"Do you want the winner of the next race?"
 Paddy replies, "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station. 
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" 
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.....  
The driver won £52!

 Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." 
Paddy says, "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

dotti34 · 08-01-2014, 05:45

..and still some more.

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.  Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?"  Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

Paddy says to Mick, I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.  
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.  
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.  
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant." 
Mick asks, “So what are you going to do this year?." 
Paddy replies, “I'll take her with me!"   

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year" Mick says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."  

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him, "Did you find the shampoo?"  Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

walkinman221 · 12-01-2014, 21:10

One day a man is walking his dog along his local beach when he sees something shining in the sand , so he stoops to pick it up after removing it from the sand he finds that its an old oil lamp. So he rubs off the sand as he does so a genie pops out with a huge rush of air, the man looks up at the genie and thinks oh my god whats this , anyway the genie says to him"for releasing me you can have one wish but make it a good one" the man ponders for a moment then says to the genie "well i have always wanted to see my brother in Australia but hate flying and cant sail either can you build me a road to australia"? The genie laughs and says "for gods sake man that would drain a lot of resources from the world and take even me to much time think of something else". So the man thinks again then says to the genie "can you give me the power to understand women"? The genie laughs again this time for longer and harder than last time then says !" do you want a single road or a dual carriageway "!!!!!!!!!!

flashman · 13-01-2014, 01:06

An older couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

Mick · 13-01-2014, 07:38

flashman your starting to repeat yourself
http://www.accringtonweb.com/forum/f...y-2647-38.html

flashman · 13-01-2014, 13:43

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mick

flashman your starting to repeat yourself
http://www.accringtonweb.com/forum/f...y-2647-38.html

I'm confused cos I don't have any posts at this link

Mick · 13-01-2014, 19:06

Post 1858

Aussie Irene · 14-01-2014, 23:58

The Bowls Club Members.

One morning three women are playing bowls on the fourth green, when suddenly, a guy runs passed wearing nothing but a bag over his head.
As he passes the first woman, she looks down and says, "Well he's certainly not my husband".
As he passes the second woman, she also looks down and says, " He's not mine either."
He then passes the third woman, who also looks down very carefully. " Wait a minute," she says, " He's not even a member of the bowling club."

dotti34 · 21-01-2014, 19:39

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

dotti34 · 21-01-2014, 19:39

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.