Joke Of The Day - Page 136

Hill Walker · 29-07-2015, 17:24

For those of you who, like me, do not use and cannot comprehend why Facebook exists, I thought you may be interested in a little social experiment I am conducting.

I am trying to make new friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I take a walk in the nearby small town and tell passers by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, our dogs, ‘selfies’ of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and generally doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.

And it works just like Facebook.

I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.

Accyexplorer · 18-08-2015, 10:37

Mrs E and I went into town to grab some bits from peel street chemist.When we came out, there was a copper writing out some kind of warning/ticket.
We went up to him and I said, "Come on officer,Give a senior citizen a break" He just smirked and continued writing the ticket.

As my temper grew,I called him a arsehole,He just glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tyres.
So Mrs E called him a pritstick, He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first.
He then started writing more warnings/tickets,this went on for about 10minutes or so,the more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
He finally finished, gave us a smirk and walked away...

...Just then the Hyndburn circular arrived, and we got on and came home.

Aussie Irene · 25-08-2015, 09:11

CIRCUMCISION

Paddy says to Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow"

Mick says, " I had that done when i was three days old"

Paddy asks, "Did it hurt"

Mick says, "Well i couldn't walk for twelve months"

dotti34 · 14-11-2015, 04:33

Wise Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside.

"Guido, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up?"

gpick24 · 18-12-2015, 21:34

Got the Mrs a prosthetic leg for Christmas, it isn't her big pressie, just a stocking filler

DaveinGermany · 19-12-2015, 08:48

Quote:

Originally Posted by gpick24

Got the Mrs a prosthetic leg for Christmas, it isn't her big pressie, just a stocking filler

Aargh! You need beating round the head with it for that one!

yerself · 19-12-2015, 10:26

A woman was depressed at the fact she had not had a date, nor any sex for quite some time.

Afraid she might have something wrong, she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her personal physician recommended Dr Chung, a well-known Chinese sex therapist.

So she went to see him. On entering the examination room, Dr Chung took one look at her and said, "Hokay, take off aw your crows."

She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him.

"Now," said Dr Chung, "get dow on your knees and craw reery reery fass away from me to other side of room."

Having done that Dr Chung said, "Hokay, turn row and craw reery fass back to me."

Once again, she obliged. Dr Chung slowly shook his head and said, "Hokay, your probrem vaywe, vaywe bad, you got Ed Zachary Disease.

Worse case I ever see, that why you have no dates, that why you no get sex."

Confused the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr Chung replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse!"

Accyexplorer · 07-01-2016, 16:59

Just been banned from B&Q,some guy in a orange apron came upto me an asked if I wanted decking....luckily,I got the first punch in.

dotti34 · 26-01-2016, 05:11

The Blonde GUY'S Lunch

The very first ever Blonde Guy joke... And well worth the wait!!!!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.’

Accyexplorer · 26-01-2016, 23:43

David Cameron dies and goes to heaven.He knocks quietly on the pearly gates and put walks St. Peter.
"Oh it's you",says Peter,"I'm sorry no scumbags allowed in heaven".
"What?" exclaims Cameron,astonished.
"You heard,No scumbags in heaven,especially not you after what you did to the world".
"Ok,I know I made mistakes in the past,but I did some good things too."
"Oh really", says St. Peter."like what?"
"Well" said Cameron "I once gave a homeless man £10 out my own pocket".
"Oh" said St. Peter."anything else?"
"Well,another time I donated £10 out my own pocket to cancer research".
"Hmmmm" said St. Peter. "Anything else?"
"Well,before I died I donated my last £20 to Dr Bernardo's".
"Okey,okey" says St. Peter "Wait here,I'll go have a word with the boss".
Ten minutes later,St Peter returns,looks Cameron straight in the eye and says "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me...

...here's your £40,Now sod off."

dotti34 · 22-02-2016, 22:23

A newly married couple goes to the county fair and the wife sees helicopter rides that showcase the beauty of the surrounding area. She really wants to go, but her husband looks at her and says, "It's too expensive, 50 bucks is 50 bucks."

Every year they go to the fair, and every year, the wife wants to take a helicopter ride, but her husband continually says, "50 bucks is 50 bucks."

After 20 years of going, she says that she really wants to go and he again tells her it is too expensive with the same line. "50 bucks is 50 bucks."

The pilot overhears the couple's conversation and offers to give them a ride for free, but with one condition. The wife can't make a sound during the ride.

During the ride the pilot really showcases his skills by performing daring maneuvers that make the stomach turn. After the ride is over, he relays his surprise that the woman didn't make a sound during the flight. Many of his other riders can't stop screaming during the ride, even without the daring stunts.

The wife finally admits she almost made a sound when her husband fell out but, "50 bucks is 50 bucks.”

Eric · 23-02-2016, 02:38

A Texan rancher visited a Saskatchewan wheat farm. He asked the farmer how much land he had. "I'm farming 36 sections," said the farmer. "Hell," said the Texan, "I have so much land that I can get in my truck, drive all day, and I'm still on my own land." "I know what you mean," said the stubble jumper, "I had a truck like that once."

dotti34 · 03-03-2016, 20:14

YORKSHIRE OBITUARY. In the Yorkshire Post following the death of his wife.

The couple had been happily married for 50 years. The husband contacted the newspaper regarding an obituary. When informed of the cost, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, “How much? !!!”

He reluctantly produced his wallet. “I want summat simple” he explained, “my Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wunt ave wanted owt swanky.” “Perhaps a small poem”, suggested the woman at the desk. “Nay”, he said, “she wunt ave wanted anything la-di-da, just put "Gladys Braithwaite died’”.

“You need to say when” he was told by the receptionist. “Do I? Well, put died 17th Jan 2016. That'll do”. “It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed”. The man considered for a moment. “Well, put in ‘Sadly missed’. That'll do”, he said.

“You can have another four words”, the woman explained.
“No, no” he cried “she wouldn' ave wanted me to splash out. ” “The words are included in the price” the woman informed him. “Are they? You mean I've paid for 'em?”. “Yes, indeed”. “Well, if I've paid for 'em , I'm 'avin them”.

The obituary was duly printed as follows:

Gladys Braithwaite died, 17th January 2016. Sadly missed. Also Tractor for sale.

Laatab · 12-04-2016, 07:09

Dad banging on the bedroom door...Come on son time for school
Son groans and says.... I'm not going
Dad...What do you mean you're not going, you have to go
Son...I just cant stand it anymore dad, the work is so boring, the kids drive me crazy and all the teachers hate me.
Dad...you still have to go son
Son...Give me a good reason why I should go
Dad...I'll give you three son, 1 you have to do something with your life, 2 its your duty and 3 your the headmaster!

dotti34 · 17-09-2016, 06:57

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors
and lawyers. One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They
discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who had moved to Florida.

The first said “you know I had a big house built for mother." The second said "and I had a large theater built in the house." The third said "and I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said "you know how mum loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mother only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed.

After the celebration their mother sent out her "Thank You" notes. She wrote: “Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I still have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay at home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good though. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people but all of my friends are dead. I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give
a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."

Love Mother