Accrington Web
   

Home Gallery Arcade Blogs Members List Today's Posts
Go Back   Accrington Web > Fun > Anything Goes
Donate! Join Today

Anything Goes Anything goes.....well, you'll get away with more here than anywhere else on Accyweb! But remember, we are a child friendly forum!


Welcome to Accrington Web!

We are a discussion forum dedicated to the towns of Accrington, Oswaldtwistle and the surrounding areas, sometimes referred to as Hyndburn! We are a friendly bunch please feel free to browse or read on for more info.
You are currently viewing our site as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community you will have access to post topics, photos, play in the community arcade and use our blog section. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please, join our community today!



Like Tree233Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 08-09-2019, 15:06   #2056
Beacon of light

 
Margaret Pilkington's Avatar
Re: Joke Of The Day

A woman was having problems with her computer.
She tried everything she knew, but all failed.
She sat there wondering what to do.
Suddenly it came to her, she would ask Jake, her next door neighbours eleven year old.

He came in pressed a few keys and Hey Presto it was fixed.

'What was the problem?' The woman asked.
' oh it was just a simple ID ten T error' he said

ID10T!
ferret man likes this.
__________________
Stop wearing a wishbone where your backbone should be.
Margaret Pilkington is offline   Reply With Quote
Accrington Web
Old 20-09-2019, 23:38   #2057
Full Member+
 

Re: Joke Of The Day

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesday …….but I fish on Fridays"
dotti34 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20-09-2019, 23:39   #2058
Full Member+
 

Re: Joke Of The Day

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.

He says, "John, I have some good news and some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed
me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million.
I think she could be right."

John replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!
You've just made my day. Now that I know that I can handle the bad news,
you mind telling me what it is?"

The attorney replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."
dotti34 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20-09-2019, 23:40   #2059
Full Member+
 

Re: Joke Of The Day

The son of a Saudi mogul goes to study in Europe.
One night, the phone rings at the house of his parents.
Dad: How's your life going, son?

Son: It's going well, dad.
Dad: Is something wrong? You don't sound happy.
Son: No Dad, everything's fine. Berlin is wonderful,
the people are nice and I really like it here.

Dad: Son, tell me the truth. I know something's not right.
Son: Dad, I am a bit ashamed to drive to my college with my gold Ferrari 599GTB
when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Dad: My dear son, why didn't you say so earlier? I will send you 15 million euro
this instant. Please stop embarrassing us and go and get yourself a train too.
dotti34 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27-09-2019, 23:25   #2060
Full Member+
 

Re: Joke Of The Day

Wife texts her handy husband on a cold winter morning:
"WINDOWS FROZEN ~ WON'T OPEN"

Husband texts back:
"GENTLY POUR SOME LUKEWARM WATER OVER
THE EDGES AND THEN TAP EDGES SHARPLY WITH
HAMMER"

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"NEED NEW LAPTOP ~ NOTHING WORKS ON IT NOW”!
dotti34 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27-09-2019, 23:27   #2061
Full Member+
 

Re: Joke Of The Day

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'

The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'
dotti34 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-10-2019, 00:25   #2062
Full Member+
 

Re: Joke Of The Day

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his
breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."
dotti34 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-10-2019, 00:25   #2063
Full Member+
 

Re: Joke Of The Day

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter — ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands
dotti34 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14-02-2020, 00:22   #2064
Full Member+
 

Re: Joke Of The Day

In January, while crossing a border on his bicycle, a man was stopped by Paul, a security guard, who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders.
"What's in the bags?" asked the guard.
"Sand," replied the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.

The cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again Paul the security guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand.
This went on every week for months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.

A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it?"

"Bicycles."
dotti34 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14-02-2020, 00:25   #2065
Full Member+
 

Re: Joke Of The Day

The wedding ceremony came to the point where the Minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She stood up and started walking slowly towards the pastor. The congregation was aghast as the penny dropped. The Groom’s jaw dropped as he stared disbelievingly at the approaching young woman and child.

Chaos ensued. The bride threw the bouquet in the air and burst out crying. Then the groom's mother fainted. The Best Men started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The Minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward?
What do you have to say?” There was absolute silence in the church.

The woman replied, "We can't hear you at the back of the church"
DaveinGermany likes this.
dotti34 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools



Other sites of interest.. More town sites..




All times are GMT. The time now is 09:43.


© 2003-2013 AccringtonWeb.com


Page generated in 0.24335 seconds with 12 queries

Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.1