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Anything Goes Anything goes.....well, you'll get away with more here than anywhere else on Accyweb! But remember, we are a child friendly forum!

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Old 08-09-2019, 15:06   #2056
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A woman was having problems with her computer.
She tried everything she knew, but all failed.
She sat there wondering what to do.
Suddenly it came to her, she would ask Jake, her next door neighbours eleven year old.

He came in pressed a few keys and Hey Presto it was fixed.

'What was the problem?' The woman asked.
' oh it was just a simple ID ten T error' he said

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Old 20-09-2019, 23:38   #2057
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Re: Joke Of The Day

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesday …….but I fish on Fridays"
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Old 20-09-2019, 23:39   #2058
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.

He says, "John, I have some good news and some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed
me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million.
I think she could be right."

John replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!
You've just made my day. Now that I know that I can handle the bad news,
you mind telling me what it is?"

The attorney replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."
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Old 20-09-2019, 23:40   #2059
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Re: Joke Of The Day

The son of a Saudi mogul goes to study in Europe.
One night, the phone rings at the house of his parents.
Dad: How's your life going, son?

Son: It's going well, dad.
Dad: Is something wrong? You don't sound happy.
Son: No Dad, everything's fine. Berlin is wonderful,
the people are nice and I really like it here.

Dad: Son, tell me the truth. I know something's not right.
Son: Dad, I am a bit ashamed to drive to my college with my gold Ferrari 599GTB
when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Dad: My dear son, why didn't you say so earlier? I will send you 15 million euro
this instant. Please stop embarrassing us and go and get yourself a train too.
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Old 27-09-2019, 23:25   #2060
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Wife texts her handy husband on a cold winter morning:

Husband texts back:

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
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Old 27-09-2019, 23:27   #2061
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'

The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'
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Old 06-10-2019, 00:25   #2062
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his
breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."
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Old 06-10-2019, 00:25   #2063
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter — ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands
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Old 14-02-2020, 00:22   #2064
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Re: Joke Of The Day

In January, while crossing a border on his bicycle, a man was stopped by Paul, a security guard, who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders.
"What's in the bags?" asked the guard.
"Sand," replied the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.

The cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again Paul the security guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand.
This went on every week for months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.

A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it?"

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Old 14-02-2020, 00:25   #2065
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Re: Joke Of The Day

The wedding ceremony came to the point where the Minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She stood up and started walking slowly towards the pastor. The congregation was aghast as the penny dropped. The Groom’s jaw dropped as he stared disbelievingly at the approaching young woman and child.

Chaos ensued. The bride threw the bouquet in the air and burst out crying. Then the groom's mother fainted. The Best Men started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The Minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward?
What do you have to say?” There was absolute silence in the church.

The woman replied, "We can't hear you at the back of the church"
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