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Old 07-08-2003, 22:46   #31
IMY
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day


Moral/ethical dilemma

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for
the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?


This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first;

or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect partner again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:
"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to think outside of the
box.  

However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop,

then drive off with the old friend for some beers.

???      ???
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Old 07-08-2003, 22:50   #32
IMY
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day


A young boy went up to his father and asked, "what is  the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father pondered for a while, then answered,"Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and said.  Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied "Oh gosh!! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!".

The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?"

The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two  million
dollars, but realistically we're living with two slappers."

The father replied, "That's my boy!"

;D     ;D
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Old 08-08-2003, 02:34   #33
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

Try this its weird  !!
> >
> >
> >
> > Try this!  Seriously - it's freaky!
> >
> >
> >
> > While sitting  at your desk, make clockwise circles with your right
>foot.
> > Whilst doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right
>hand.
> > What direction is your  foot going in now?
> > SPOOKY!!!!!
> >
> >
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Old 08-08-2003, 13:26   #34
Caz
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

Just tried it! could do it once, but then it gets difficult!
Anyone pass your office whilst you were doing this little mo!! ;D ;D

Maybe we should start some synchronised Accrington Forum aerobics!! ;D
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Old 08-08-2003, 13:35   #35
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

A teacher was arrested in London early this morning for affray.

When he was patted down at the scene of the incident the police found him to be in posession of a set square, protractor and compass.

He claimed to be a member of the Al-Gebra movement and was carrying weapons of maths instruction..
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Old 09-08-2003, 13:16   #36
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
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Old 09-08-2003, 15:39   #37
Caz
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

Think the "frozen" peas might defeat the object  ??? ;D
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Old 09-08-2003, 19:43   #38
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

[quote author=Ivor_Bigun link=board=anything;num=1048972258;start=0#35 date=08/09/03 at 14:16:19]Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.[/quote]

I guess you have to be sure that it's going to be a "Quickie" before they melt and a "Handfull of Peas" may not make too much room for yourself.
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Old 13-08-2003, 21:49   #39
IMY
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Post I MUST SURVIVE


To get the full affect you need to sing it out loud.


I WILL SURVIVE - - (Un-edited versions)

MALE VERSION

First I was afraid I was petrified
At the ugly slapper that was lying by my side
I would've drunk a little less,
I would've tried to keep my head.
If I'd known for just one second you'd
Assault me in your bed.

I tried to go, walk out the door
But you've been sitting on my legs and
I Can't feel them anymore
And now you're sitting on my face,
my nose has vanished - not a trace,
I only hope that you're big knickers aren't
Made of liquorice lace

I want to go, I've got to leave
Before your fat and naked body makes me want to heave Only hope
that no one saw me walking home With such a sl*t. God the
things that you get up to when you're half cut.

Please let me go, I'm getting scared
There's nothing I can do to stop those ugly Bre*sts from
being bared. I think that I must have been mad, God what
Made me want to court her?
With t*ts that look like Tesco bags I've just
Filled up with water

It's time to go, run out the door
She's started hinting she wants sex on her
Dirty lino floor
I don't think there's anything worse
Than the al-co-hol-ics curse.

I WILL SURVIVE !
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Old 13-08-2003, 21:50   #40
IMY
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Post I WILL SURVIVE    To which the girls rep


FEMALE VERSION

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly wa*ker that was lying by my side.
I would've drunk a little less, I would've
Tried to keep my head,
If I'd know for just one second I'd be in
Your crusty bed...

I tried to go, walk out the door.
But I laughed so hard at your small knob that I've fallen
on the floor. Your butts a pimply mess, it's just a
broken-out disgrace, But I'd
rather look at that, than at your F###ing ugly face...!

I want to go, I've got to leave.
Your talk of chicks and football really makes
Me want to heave.
I only know I've got to stop my drinking
Spirts and the beer
Coz when I looked at you last night, you
Looked just like Richard Gere !

Please let me go, I feel quite sick,
We had the worst sex in the world and you're
An ugly Google Page Ranking*ck
I should have sh**ged your gorgeous mate,
At least he's got a lovely flat
But no I go and trust the booze and now I'm
Stuck with you, you tw*t.

It's time to go, run out the door.
You look so ugly it should really be against the law. I'm
going to give up all the booze, I'm going To have no
stupid fun Coz waking up beside your mug, just makes me
Want to be a nun !

I WILL SURVIVE!!
;D ;D ;D
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Old 13-08-2003, 21:54   #41
IMY
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Post only if u were clever as this


A English girl  and a American lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a game. The girl, who's tired and just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and says the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the girl's attention; and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The girl doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "it's your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs but comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references--no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress--no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the girl and hands her $500.

The girl says "Thank you" and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the girl and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the girl reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
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Old 22-08-2003, 00:53   #42
Caz
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

Two Aerials met on a roof, fell in love, & got married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"Doc, I can't stop singing "the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly "It's true, straight up, no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's bloody heavy."



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- Edmund Burke

I am not young enough to know everything.
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Old 24-08-2003, 08:43   #43
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

brilliant jokes cazzer you ought to write a book with all those stories you have insde your head, where do you get them all from.
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Old 24-08-2003, 21:47   #44
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Post bit long but very good

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one
day. Carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she
must speak with the president of the bank to open a
savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally
ushered her into the president's office (the customer
is always right!)

The bank president then asked her how much she would
like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped
the cash out of her bag onto his desk.


The president was of course curious as to how she came
by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm
surprised you're carrying so much cash around.
"Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you
$25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet.
You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take
my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my
balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there
is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with
me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night,
the president got very nervous about the bet and spent
a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls,
turning from side to side, again and again.

He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there
was absolutely no way his balls were square and that
he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little>
old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's
office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and
repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls
are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old
lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all
see.. The president did. The little old lady peered
closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel
them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot
of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly
banging his head against the wall. The President asked
the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your
lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that
at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's
president's balls in my hand."  
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Old 24-08-2003, 21:59   #45
IMY
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day


Nice one Direct Dj   gud stuff.   u sud keep em cummin.....
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