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Old 19-08-2004, 06:13   #751
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Re: Joke Of The Day

If you go to Chester Zoo, whatever you do, don't monkey around in the Ape House...


Performing Gorilla

Rodney went to the zoo one day...

While he was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, he noticed the gorilla watching him intently.
Rodney waved at the gorilla, the gorilla waved back.
He patted his stomach and the gorilla copied him.
He jumped up and down. The gorilla started jumping.
He made faces, pulled his hair, hopped on one foot, spun in a circle, and beat on his chest.
His antics were copied exactly by the gorilla in the cage.

All of a sudden the wind gusted and Rodney got some grit in his eye. He rubbed his eye, trying to make it better. While doing so he, he stepped closer and closer to the cage. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, banged against the bars, reached out, grabbed the nearly blinded man and beat him senseless.

When he came to, the zoo keeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk, he told the keeper what had happened. The zoo keeper nodded and explained, "in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means 'screw you'".

The explanation didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better but he accepted it. As he left, however, Rodney became madder and madder and plotted his revenge.

The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.

Knowing that the big ape liked to mimic people, Rodney put on the party hat.
The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on.
Next he picked up his horn and blew on it.
The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same.
He twirled in a circle blowing the horn.
The gorilla did the same.
Then Rodney picked up his knife and waved it over his head. Again the gorilla copied it.
Next he whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two.

The gorilla looked at the knife in his big hairy hand, looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eyelid.
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Old 23-08-2004, 12:52   #752
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the Mersey.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water
when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier,
crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for.

"I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away
on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep
you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes, after all, what
did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life
new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From
then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,
and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get
food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Birkenhead Ferry."


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Old 23-08-2004, 14:44   #753
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed
that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was
putting on his surgical gloves...

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No."

"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up
with a large tank of latex and the workers are all picked according to
hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and
then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto
their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big
'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

And she didn't laugh a bit!!!

Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her
teeth because she burst out laughing. The old woman blushed and
exclaimed,

"I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"
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Old 23-08-2004, 17:24   #754
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Re: Joke Of The Day

While the Olympic Games are taking place, let's have a topical joke... How fast can you run a lap???



Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."

She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning 400 metre runner."

"How so?"

"He's got his time down to under 44 seconds."
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Old 23-08-2004, 17:30   #755
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Re: Joke Of The Day

We've only got the Olympics for a few more days, before another 4 year hiatus. So we better publish any Olympic jokes before they become redundant...



A young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into his room at the Olympic Village.

Once she's inside, he quickly switches out all the lights and they rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement.

After about twenty minutes of wild sex they both collapse back on the bed in exhaustion. The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light. His beautifully-developed muscles,tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp glisten with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her. She's really pleased to have met this guy.

At this point the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed. He fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a glass and drinks it down in one gulp. Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out the other side and beating his chest like a gorilla. Then he vaults back on top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance.

The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second encounter. Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his previous exhaustion!

After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of the mysterious liquid. Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN.

The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the same blistering pace as before. In the darkness, she can't properly see what kind of tonic is causing these incredible transformations, but she sure likes the effect! More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking ritual on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part, the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself. "Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting bald-headed Aussie, "I think I need to try some of your tonic!" She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid. She braces herself for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it just tastes like Coca-Cola. Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the bed - only to smash straight into the three other exhausted members of the Australian relay team.
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Old 23-08-2004, 19:10   #756
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Olympic Condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
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Old 23-08-2004, 19:39   #757
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Re: Joke Of The Day

It's well funny, that joke. Just as funny as the one 10 posts previous.
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Old 23-08-2004, 19:46   #758
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Re: Joke Of The Day

I think we'll have to start calling you "Sarcologist", what do you think?
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Old 23-08-2004, 20:00   #759
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Now that the edit facility is back, I could delete my post, and leave you hangin' out to dry, John... hehehe
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Last edited by Sparkologist; 23-08-2004 at 20:07. Reason: Just for the hell of it!
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Old 23-08-2004, 20:05   #760
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Enough of this wit and repartee, time for another joke. Ladeez... You might have done it 'doggy style', but I bet you've never done it quite like this...


This beautiful blonde went to her doctor complaining about pain in all her joints. The Doctor went through a whole series of tests and couldn't find anything wrong with her. After he had explained this to her he said: "There has to be something else, have you recently changed anything in your lifestyle"?

She said, "Well, the only thing I know of is that I started making love Doggie Style, could that be causing it"?

The Doctor said, "Maybe, why don't you stop it and see if you improve"? She said, "I can't stop, that's the only way my dog knows how to sh*g".
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Old 24-08-2004, 13:23   #761
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Well then sparky i dont check all the jokes before i post a new one, unlike some, i have a life. Ta very much. LOL.
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Old 25-08-2004, 14:58   #762
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Re: Joke Of The Day

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are
discussing the merits of a mistress...

The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes
with the risk of being discovered.

The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt,
divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.

The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing that's
ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress.
My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend
all night on the computer!"
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Old 25-08-2004, 15:23   #763
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Red face Re: Joke Of The Day

This may well be my last joke for a while. It's corny, in fact it's almost crap. Don't blame me, Lettie supplied it, I'm just gormless enough to post it...


A stand-up comic's wife demanded that he should tell her jokes, before she would consent to sex.

HE WAS GAGGIN' FOR IT!!!


Don't blame me. I did warn you. I'll pack my bags... See's y'all in Shanghai.
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Old 25-08-2004, 16:28   #764
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Shame on you Sparky. Trying to blame me for the cr@p joke, you know I only send you good uns..
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Old 25-08-2004, 17:53   #765
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes... (read them out loud)


1) That's not right ......... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?..... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP..........Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ..............Dum Gai
5) Small Horse ...........Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ........Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ........Ai Bang Mai Ni
8) I think you need a face lift .......Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here .....Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ......Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone .......No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ..........Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight .........Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile ..... Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive .......Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great .....Fa Kin Su Pah
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