Joke Of The Day

[big al]

"Of course I won't laugh" said the nurse, "I'm a professional with 20 years experience& I've never laughted at a patient."
Fred dropped his trousers to reveal ther smallest willie she had ever seen, length & width to match a AAA battery!
For 10 minutes the nurse rolled around on the floor in peals of laughter & finally, composing herself, apologised, said it wouldn't happen again.
"Now what seems to be the problem?" she asked.
Fred replied "It's swollen."

[Retlaw]

Originally Posted by Neil

McVities are to honour world champion Lewis Hamilton by putting a picture of him in his F1 car on their new range of biscuits - Won On Wheels

You made a mistake in your spelling, the original version of that joke had a g at the end of a certain word.

A play on the biscuits Wagon Wheels.

Retlaw.

['erindoors]

Steven woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's
> Christmas Party.
>
> He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it?
> Thursday. His wife must have gone to work. As he struggled into
> consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach
> plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night.
>
> He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he
> saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side
> table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked
> from the garden.
>
> He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no
> trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in
> through the window and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also
> pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a
> black eye. This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.
>
> As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus,
> he saw a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was
> written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.
>
> 'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in
> today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed
> for the morning. There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it
> easy today, hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I
> love you, darling! '
>
> He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot
> breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son
> was sitting at the table, eating.
>
> Steven, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the
> previous night.
>
> 'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your
> mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you
> puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the
> door. '
>
> Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such
> perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and
> breakfast waiting for me?'
>
> His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the
> bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed,
> 'Leave me alone you slapper, I'm married!!'
>
> Broken Coffee Table £250
> Hot Breakfast £3.50
> Two Aspirins 20p
> Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS'

[flashman]

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing knickers !" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

[cashman]

Paddy is sat next to a muslim on the plane. stewardess says- would you like a drink sir? (Paddy) whiskey on the rocks please. pays for it, then she says to the muslim, would you like a drink sir? (Muslim) i would rather be raped by a dozen whores madam than let alcohol pass my lips, (stewardess) ok sir no problem, Paddy then passes his drink back to the stewardess n says-- i didn't know there was a choice.

[mick]

A visitor to a mental institution asks the director how he decided which patients should be kept in and which sent home.
The director said "We fill a bath, then offer the patient a teaspoon, a tea-cup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bath".
The visitor said "Oh i see, a normal person would choose the bucket , because its the biggest."
The director said "A normal person would pull the plug out . "
Would you like a bed near the window?

[yerself]

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said "I notice you buy a lot of candles, What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question" noted the Rabbi.
"We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh" replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes" replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers."
"I see" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi" he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste" answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office,
And about once a year they send us a complete prick."

['erindoors]

THE WEDDING TEST



I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend

and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

decided to get married. There was only one

little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful

younger sister.



My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

would regularly bend down when she was near

me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was

near anyone else.



One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to

come over to check the wedding invitations. She was

alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

before I got married and committed my life to her sister.



Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.



She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if

you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'



I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

and made a beeline straight to the front door. I

opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing

outside, all clapping!



With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our

little test. We couldn't ask for a better

man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Mancie]

A scouser turns up at the pearly gates of Heaven wearing a Liverpool football shirt and L.F.C tatooed on his forehead... St Peter says "what do you want" scouse says "I want to get into Heaven" Peter says you won't get in here uless you did something really brave in your life because God don't like scousers"

Scouse says "I have done something brave.... I went to Old Trafford, pushed my way into the Stretford End and chanted...WE HATE MAN U"

Peter "well yeah that is really brave... when did you do that?"

Scouse says.."about 2 minutes ago"

[Neil]

Anyone who say's onions are the only veg that make you cry has never been hit in the face with a turnip...

[Neil]

adam and eve in the garden eve creeps up behind adam and puts her hands over his eyes and says guess who adam replies dont be so stupid

[DaveinGermany]

After perusal of a publicatin called "The ultimate loo book" by Mitchell Symons I chanced upon this little grin maker "The Buffalo theory" so I checked it out online & here it is, enjoy

Bar Joke

The Buffalo Theory The "Buffolo Theory" of Beer..

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!

[Eric]

A Canadian hockey fan goes to heaven. After getting over the surprise of being let in, he takes a guided tour. St. Peter shows him all the fun stuff available, and finally comes to an immense hockey arena. Inside, the local team, Heaven, are practising for an encounter with Hell, which will take place that night. Heaven's team, dressed in jerseys with an "H" surmounted by a halo, are skating around the rink. Over in the corner, however, is this one player, skating on his own and wearing a sweater with the letters "WG" on it. "Who's that guy in the corner" asks the Canuck?

"Oh," said St. Peter, "that's God. He thinks he's Wayne Gretzky."

[steve2qec]

A bloke walks into a butchers shop. He says to the man behind the counter, "Have you got a sheeps head?" "No", replies the butcher "it's the way I comb my hair!"

[heth]

Snail walks into a pub and asks for a pint, landlord states that they dont serve snails and chucks him out..................................year later snail walks back into the pub and says "why did you chuck me out?"