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Old 29-03-2003, 19:10   #1
RhymesWithBanker
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Post Joke Of The Day

I have a little joke for you. I hope it will cheer you all up.

*********************************************

Little Billy is in school and the teacher says to him "Billy, if there are 5 birds on the fence and I shoot 1 of them, how many birds are left?"

Little Billy thinks about it and says "There will be no birds left,because the noise from the gun would scare them all off."

The teacher says "I'm sorry Billy, the correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking".

Billy then says to the teacher " I have a question for you Miss. There are 3 women eating icecream. The first one is licking at the edge, the second is eating the top and sucking the cone and the third is gobbling it all down. Which one is married?"

The teacher blushes and says "Er, I suppose the second one, who is eating the top and sucking the cone"

"No" says Billy " The one with the wedding ring on,but I like your thinking". :-)
*********************************************
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Old 02-04-2003, 22:06   #2
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

i've got one for you...

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Regards,
Project Leader

KEEP READING...

Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader:

Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. [glow=red,2,300]Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.[/glow]

Regards,
Project Leader

what about that one?
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Old 31-05-2003, 16:26   #3
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

Heres one for you.

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, "500 Porsche! New!" The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for 500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, 'it's worth a shot.'

So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?"

"Sure," answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly.

When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only 500?"

Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money
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Old 03-06-2003, 08:27   #4
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

That i liked!!!

lol
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Old 12-07-2003, 20:38   #5
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

And another...

A man was potholing down one of the deepest potholes in the world.

When he came to the surface after about three days, he found to his horror, that there had been a nuclear holocaust, and that everybody and everything had been destroyed, humans, animals, plants, fish, everything had been wiped out, except him. For the next few days, he wandered around the country, in whatever car took his fancy, ate whatever he wanted from the grandest of hotels, and drank only the finest brandy.

After a couple of weeks of this, he came to realise that being the only person left alive on the planet was not such a great thing, no one to talk with, or laugh with, no one to tell his troubles to, or even quarrel with. After hours of deep thought, he decided that this was too much for him to bear, and came to the conclusion that it would be best for him to end it all.

He made his way to the top of the highest skyscraper he could find, opened one of the large windows, peered out onto the streets miles below, and said quietley to himself " Yes, this is what I must do." and stepped out into thin air.

As he was hurtling towards his end, he passed the 30th floor of the building, and he heard the telephone ringing...... ;D ;D
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Old 13-07-2003, 22:24   #6
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day


THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER
>
> 8.15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
>8.30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday.
>8.45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants, open
>presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner .
>9.15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil.
>10.00 Light work out at club with handsome funny personal trainer.
>10.30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry.
>12.00 Lunch with best friend a fashionable outdoor cafe.
>12.45 Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and notice she's gained 30lbs
>1.00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
>3.00 Nap.
>4.00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer.
>4.15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle
>hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
>5.30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before
>full-length mirror.
>7.30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments
received
>from other diners/dancers.
>10.00 Hot shower (alone).
>10.50 Carried to bed..........(freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen).
>11.00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
>11.15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.
>
> THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM
>
> 6.00 Alarm.
>6.15 Blow job.
>6.30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sport
>section.
>7.00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked
>buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler.
>7.30 Limo arrives.
>7.45 Flight in personal Lear Jet.
>9.15 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route).
>9.45 Play front nine - 2 under.
>11.45 Lunch - pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon.
>12.15 Blow job.
>12.30 Play back nine (of golf course) - 4 under.
>12.15 Limo back to the airport (Several Bourbons).
>12.30 Fly to Cairns.
>3.30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all nude who
>also bend over a lot displaying growlers.
>4.30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle.
>5.00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson (bending
>over......naturally).
>6.45 ****, Shower and Shave.
>7.00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; marijuana and hard porn
>legalised.
>7.30 Dinner: lobster appetiser, Dom Perignon (1953) big juicy fillet steak
>followed by ice-cream served on a big pair of tits.
>9.00 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies.....some bending
>over).
>11.00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale
>11.45 In bed alone.
>11.50 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to
>leave the room.
>12.00 Spend 10mins laughing before falling asleep.

B.
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Old 20-07-2003, 22:38   #7
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

>  A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas
> City to Chicago. The son turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have
> baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby
> planes?"
>
> The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask
> the stewardess.
>
> So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby
> dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby
> planes?"
>
>  The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"The
> boy admitted that this was the case.
>
>  "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes
> because Southwest always pulls out on time - now let your mother explain
> that to you."
>
>
>
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Old 22-07-2003, 20:04   #8
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Post Why did the Chicken cross the road?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We
do not even have a chicken.

GEORGE W BUSH
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know
if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is
either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
of the chicken crossing the road.

TONY BLAIR
I agree with George.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been
told.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody
told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

TRICIA
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of moulting, and went on to accomplish its
dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in
peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
eChicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your checkbook - and internet
explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath
the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
What is your definition of chicken?

THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT
CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was
rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?

HOMER SIMPSON
Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n

B.
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Old 23-07-2003, 03:14   #9
Caz
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

Now that I like!! nice one Bluesmaster!!! 8)
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I am not young enough to know everything.
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Old 23-07-2003, 11:00   #10
emma1
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

A little girl walks into the pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp "excuthe me, mithter do you keep wittle wabbits?"

The shop keeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level and says "do you want a wittle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl in turn, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says to the man in a quiet voice " i dont fink my python weally givths a thit"
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Old 23-07-2003, 11:48   #11
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

HAHA.. emma1 You deserve an applause for making me laugh out loud
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Old 23-07-2003, 11:58   #12
emma1
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

Thankyou very much Harryx
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Old 23-07-2003, 12:52   #13
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

This Should make you laugh
http://crew.tweakers.net/JvS/zooi/realhussein.swf

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Old 24-07-2003, 13:53   #14
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive",
Saddam himself decided to send George W a letter in his own handwriting to
let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it
appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.

Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin
and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could
solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret
Service. Eventually they asked MI6 for help. They cabled the White House:

"Tell the president he is looking at the message upside down..."
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Old 24-07-2003, 15:56   #15
Resting in Peace

 
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

i like it not a lot
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