2017/18 Prediction League; Game 18 v Newport County (home)

Div3North · 15-11-2017, 22:28

Accrington Stanley

V

Newport County

2017/18 Prediction League; Game 18 v Newport (home)

Well, I did say, didn’t I? Oh yes I did! ……Bananaskin United, I said ………….. away ………in the rain! Ok, so we were at home, but …………………. I guess Mansfield’ll be pleased, but I can’t think who else will ……….except the GuiseleyGuys (don’t they commit a lot of fouls, by the way?). And what’s happened to Old Boy Atkinson and Not Quite Such An Old Boy Hatfield, neither of whom was in the squad for Tuesday? Well, as they say, it leaves us free to concentrate on the League …………..

As far as I can see – and this one’s a first! – Newport County AFC (it stands for Amateur Football Club, or – in Welsh - Clwb Pêl-droed Sir Casnewydd) didn’t part company with ANY players during the summer of 2017; they made up for it after the season started (to an extent), and if your name was Rhys it wasn’t a good time to want to stay at The Cabbage Patch, FW Rhys Kavanagh leaving for BrizzleRov for £compensation (= peanuts) and GK Rhys Davies (bet he’s not Welsh indeed to goodness isn’t it look you eisteddfod) who went to Leicester for £undisclosed ………….. I have it on good authority (the owners of Leicester City, whose names I can’t pronounce, let alone spell) that “£undisclosed” is lots more than “£compensation”, and that the brown envelopes need to be loads bigger …………………..

They brought in seven to replace the none who left; RB David Pipe signed from the Spitfires, MFs Matt Dolan and Robbie Willmott signed from the Boeing 747s and the Lancaster Bombers ………..no they didn’t, they signed from Yeovil and Chelmsford City respectively ………….. and their FOUR new (well, “pre-owned, but new to them”) CFs (Padraig Amond, Frank Nouble, Lamar Reynolds and Paul Hayes) came from Hartlepool, Southend, Brentwood Town and Hemel Hempstead respectively ………. On loan they brought in four, only two of whom were CFs (who in hell’s name has six CFs in their squad?), the others being Ben White, a CB from Brighton (known to his mates as “Rocky”; gerrit? Rocky? Brighton Ro….oh suit yourselves!) and CMF Reece Cole from Brentford ………….they were flush enough with players to loan some out, including the wonderfully-named Jazzi Barnum-Bobb, who’s on loan at Torquay (which might not be the very best place in the world to go on loan to, since they’re currently 23rd in the Bananarama with two wins and 11 points from 19 games, above Solihull Moors (whose Local Council I’m going to sue under the Trades Descriptions Act because THERE ARE NO MOORS IN PIGGING SOLIHULL) only by virtues of having a less-bad GD (-15 against -20!))

Currently The Exiles lie in 9th place with 26 points, one behind Wycombe and Lincoln and one ahead of Colchester; at home they’re W4 D3 L1 (Colchester 1-2) GF11 GA5, away it’s a not-so-good W3 D2 L4 GF13 GA14 ........................overall, P17 W7 D5 L5 GF24 GA19; that said, they haven’t won in their last 4 (LDLD) losing to Colchester (above) at home and Notts Co 3-0 away, and drawing with both Mansfield and Port Vale 1-1 ........... The League Two form teams over the last 5 games (with 10 points each) are the Stanley, Swindon, Colchester, Vegan Greenpeace and Portly Vale; bottom of the class, and standing in the corner with a big hat with a “D” on it are Barnet (2 points), Crewe and Wycombe (3 each) and Crawley (4) .......... most free-scoring sides are Luton (36 – but take away their 7 & 8 and they’re very average), Wycombe (32, but 27 conceded) and Stanley (30); in the Ducks’ Arse League, Coventry are top with a miserly 9 conceded, followed by Lincoln (15) and Cambridge (16)

Last season they came to ours for game 14 and did us 3-1 (our goal by The Don); it was their 2nd League win; they went on a run soon after, which went W1 D6 L11, and they were dead in the water – except they weren’t; seven wins in 12 saw the fight back rolling, and those seven wins included doing the double over us by winning 1-0 at home (Game 44) with a 60th minute goal by A Bird – well, Ryan Bird, actually ........... and they saved themselves from the Ignominy of the Greasy Pole of Oblivion

They’re out of the EFL Cup already, losing 5-1 at Leeds in Round Two after beating Southend 2-0 away in Round One, playing the only way (which is Essex); in the EFLTroffy they lost 2-0 at Vegan Villas, and 1-2 at home to both Cheltenham and Swansea u12s – sorry, u21s ........... in the FA ProperCup they beat League One Walsall 2-1 (“Shock! Horror! Lower League Team Beats Higher Placed Side”), and they’ve got Cambridge at home in Round Two; their leading scorers are Podge (6), Frank Nouble and Shawn McCoulsky (5 each), and Mickey Demetriou and Joss “Bite Me” Labadie, each with three (they’ve got 31 goals altogether in 23 games)

Their mascot, for those who collect such trivia, is Spytty the Dog (his Wiki page helpfully confirms that he’s “a fictional dog” (phew, that was worrying – I thought for a minute that he was a ProperRealDog) ...........he appears to be sponsored by Budget Vets, which might explain the spelling; he (I assume, for no reason at all, that he’s a little boy dog, although I haven’t checked) has his own Fan Club, and both members try to get to as many games as they can; former managers of the Club include John Relish (twice), Tamarind Pickles and Ivor Red-Cabbage (no, ok, I did make some of those up) Jimmy Scoular, Len Ashurst and lots of people who sound like people you know, but when you check them out they aren’t ................oh, and that Nice Graham Westlife; famous Ex Players include Tommy Tynan (259 goals in 646 games for the Owls, the Exiles, Plymouth, Rotherham and Torquay (see “crap”, above) and lots of Welsh blokes, and John Relish (and Ivor Red-Cabbage) ...............they won the Welsh Cup in 1980 – which, for one of only three teams in Wales is a pretty poor overall record!

Deadline for entries is, as always, scheduled kick-off time, which is 3.00pm on Saturday 18th November (soon be Christmas!) Leading goal scorers in League Two are two of my favourite strikers – Our Very Own Billy Whizz, and You Fat Bastard; both have 10 goals, but YFB is top of the list according to the BBC (apparently you divide the number of goals scored by the Body Mass Index of the Player, and the one with the smallest number wins!) That, plus we owe them for last season, ought to be incentive enough to Do It Unto Our Welsh Cousins; isn’t it, look you ................. And – have you noticed the time of posting this thread? It’s still Wednesday!

Good luck to everyone! ............... Keep the Faith! (Guiseley for the Cup!) .......... And thanks for playing!