There are certain situations in life which require some etiquette. Dining at a posh restaurant, meeting the Queen, weddings etc. I'm a big believer that a level of decorum should be applied in all manner of situations. So gentlemen here is the B.J. Etiquette...
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
That's rather conceited!
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the blue video you saw, it is not standard practice to come on someone's face.
If you swallow, then you won't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
Swallowing a teaspoon of cream is far, far easier than licking a dead fish.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it, and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your d**k?
I'm not likely to sling it into something that resembles a butcher's dusbin. So provided you lick it clean...
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
What, not even one of those tuneful little 'top C' numbers?
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like **** so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to bl*w you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up! Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go j**k off and leave me alone with my Midol.
Extension to #8 Shut up moaning, just play with my balls. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
10. If I have to pause to remove organic dental floss from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
Show some consideration. Can you begin to imagine the pain when a pube snags?
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette, watch TV...etc.... immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
You know I don't do small talk.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content, or its calorific value as part of a calorie controlled diet.
You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavour country.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette, drink, etc....
At least I'm guaranteed some peace and quiet while I watch the footy on the box.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get b.j.'s often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
Take your own advice, and keep it shut. You open it for me, and mine alone!
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."
Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep."