Witty Ripostes and insults....
 

Eric brought up a topic which I think might have some mileage in it....the application of a witty riposte......or an insult.

Have you got a favourite?

Mine? You're not the ugliest chap ah've ever sin(seen), but tha favvers 'im.

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Lol like that one Marg

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thanks Shaz......it was my grandads really, but I have to say it came in very handy when I was single.....millions of years ago:)

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Margaret, you got my brain working! I 'll be up all night trying to remember some replies.
I can't remember who used to say this but I have an idea it was rather sarcastic teacher

"Don't let your mind wander, its too small to go out alone"

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Say to some one who is trying to act posh & show you up.

Does thi mam still tek washin in fut neighbours.
or
Wern't thi wife a scrubber at Co-op Lanundry.

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keep them coming...I love 'em.

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There are numerous websites listing them.

I like the cartoon ones and use them sometimes.

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For someone threatening to visit= Pop round any time..........I'll leave the curtains open. or Thanks fer the warning.

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This really happened to me -

"So you are Maggie, and you remind me of Thatcher"

I replied - 'You look like a Richard"

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Remember when I was a student two others talking. One, who hadn't got a girlfriend and was obviously very jealous of the other having a seriously good looking one, made a very rude remark about her.
'No', said the other without showing any anger,' she's not a prostitute but if she was she'd be a damn good one and you couldn't afford her anyway'.

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I love this thread-I use them often at work. I also am quite often victim to that horrible feeling you get when you think of something you should have said, after the moment has gone, though!
I use them in jest as well. I have one of those horrid senses of humour.

I like it when somebody says "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?"
"Yes, that's why I don't go there any longer!"

"Sure, I'll help you out. Which way did you come in?"

"I know you!"
"Yes, I'm a nurse at the STD clinic."


"Can I have your number?"
"Yes, I'm in the 'phone book."

"What's your surname then?"
"That's in the book too."....

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When faced with sarky jobsworths or officialdom, I usually apply the following :-

I wanted to do this job once but didn't get in.

Why ? Not clever enough/couldn't pass the tests ?

Nah mate, when I told 'em me parents were married ........... ;)

OR

I'm special me !

Aye, course you are mate, now stop pishing on yer boots & licking the windas there's a good lad ! :D

So it's not PC, but it's a damn good put down.

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thats what i say to you when you come to visit ... :D:D:D

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I once heard something similar about Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan. Moose Jaw isn't the asshole of the world, but you can smell it from there.

One I have used myself ... You have the IQ of a salad bar.

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Who did yeh learn that off?;):D

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another one of my favourites...no make that two.
'You have all the allure of a toilet brush...a used one!'
'You have the personality of a wine gum, but you're not as sweet'

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It looks like your face has been on fire and put out with a shovel.

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To someone who was being disparaging about my pedigree dog - "at least he knew who his father was".

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Classic...keep 'em coming!

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I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

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Very subtle Retlaw.....that would go right over the heads of some folk.

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lifes a drag, and then ya die

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You can't get any better than the scriptwriters of Corrie. Especially when Blanche was around.

OK, can't remember any at the moment, but usually one in every episode. :D

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Will you be on Earth for long, or will you be returning to your home world soon?

You couldn't pour water out of a boot even if the instructions were written on the heel.

And one I read somewhere: Last nite, the Minneapolis Symphony played Beethoven. Beethoven lost.

Margot Asquith was famous for her wit. She is reputed to have corrected Jean Harlow's mispronunciation of her first name by observing: "No, no, the 't' is silent, like the 't' in 'Harlow'".

One thing that must be admitted is that no one can do the witty riposte thing like the English, and some others of the English Speaking Peoples. Others can do it only occasionally. I like one that comes from France in 1914. As the Germans closed in on Paris, the leading politicians decided to leave for Bordeaux, the Parisians lining the streets sang: "Au gare citoyens";) You can figure out the tune unless your IQ is the square root of your shoe size:D

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Yes Kate, Blanche was very good at the (seemingly effortless) put downs.

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Anyway Eric, this thread is all down to you...I won't say 'your fault' because I am enjoying the quips.

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Like the one about the guy who was so dumb he starved to death in his car, sitting outside a whorehouse waiting for the red light to change:eek:

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Ah, you've met my ex?

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I've met many ladies of negotiable virtue;)

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I have a sporting one, Shane Warne said this to an opposing batsman "i have been waiting two years to humiliate you again" said with a nasal Australian drawl, to which the batsman replied " it looks you spent most of the two years eating" .:D

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I like: "Wow - is there no beginning to your talents?"

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1 for less.... smile when you wake up in the morning...get it over with ;)

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Oh teehee, what a rib tickler you are, do you come in packs of three from the gents bog?
:rolleyes:

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;)

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Not packs of three -

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WC Fields (Oi stop stealing my signature)! :)

I'm liking that one :)

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The worst thing about using these as comebacks is, most people who deserve them are too dumb to understand them...

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Very true, but still makes me smile to meself.;)

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Yes....and me too.

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If that's the worst thing, what's the best:confused: I do think there is a great deal of pleasure in the creative insult ... and isn't it much better than "You @#$% #$%%^ *#^&#% -ing idiot"?

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I think the pleasure is knowing that they have no idea you have just insulted them.

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That is Number 1.:D;)

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I prefer to think that non retaliation is more civilized.

If you choose to think that the person insulted is unaware, you are kidding yourself.

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Each to their own.
Margaret, in the past you have been quite a dab hand at the pithy comeback.
I know there are times when I have thought Wow...wish I'd said that.

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I'm no saint, I agree, but I don't retaliate as a matter of course - only when I think I can raise a smile in some people that I respect.

How about this one ;)

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And there are times when you have made me grin.
Maybe because the respect is mutual.

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Some people really have no idea! Practice bewilderment whilst asking what other people are laughing at. I quite likely find situations more often than a lot of others though, just the circles I find myself in.

Totally yes-I tend to not that sort of response unless there really is no other lol
I suppose I should have said 'The only bad thing!' :D
I agree that's what makes them quotable and funny :)

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Another i like is Winston Churchill to Lady Astor ( i think ) she said "Sir if you were my husband i would poison your tea " to which he replied " Madam if you were my wife i would drink it" . Top drawer or what?

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I never forget a face.
But in your case I'll make an exception.
-Groucho Marx

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George Bernard Shaw sending 2 tickets for the first night of his new play to Winston Churchill - "bring a friend if you have one". Winston in reply: "Can't make the opening night, shall come to the second night - if there is one".

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During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 17."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "**** you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too."

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probably a bit crude, but "fanny like a ripped out fireplace" makes me chuckle

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My mother once described a relative to me as 'having a face like a smacked bottom'.

(That's the clean version!)

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another one that is a bit more refined(:D) 'gob like a roven pocket'

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Teeth like snooker balls, only needs a white un fer set.:D

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Bulldog licking push of a thistle

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face like a joss ar5ed baboon....face like a melted welly...face like a ruptured custard...just a few to denote a 'homely' person.

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when about to be set upon in a pub shout very loudly " dont hit me ill get an errection"

the look on their face is priceless

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We're just being smutty now :D

The bulldog/thistle one I hear a muckier version of all the time.

You don't want to hear some of the stuff I hear said at work! (Only an observer, of course) ! :)

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face like a shotgun victim (just think fearghal sharkey)

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its all in the spelling!!!!!!

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Another one credited to the great man was to the speaker of the house of commons, Betty Boothroyd, (I think ), when she reportedly said to him, "you sir are drunk", to which he replied, "and you madam are ugly but I shall be sober in the morning".

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Bessie Braddock, Liverpool MP (although sometimes attributed to Nancy Astor).

Betty Boothroyd became speaker 27 years after Churchill died, and is the only female Speaker of the House of Commons to date.

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Face like a dropped pie.

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As my old mate Wandering Walter used to say,
"She has a face like a bag of spanners"

I think he pinched the phrase from Les Dawson though.

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Many thanks studio 25 for correcting me, Betty Boothroyd; Bessie Braddock,I did at least get the initials right.

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Love reading all these

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A face like a dropped clock.

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In the early 50's whilst being trained as a "Booking Clerk" at Accrington Railways Station can recall a very obnoxious customer saying "And can I get back to York in a day" to which the clerk who was training me replied "You should be able to "Dick Turpin" did and there were no trains in those days".

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A face like a melted welly.

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Lionel Bart wanted to know how his disastrous musical TWANG! was doing in America. Not wishing to waste money on a lengthy telegram he simply sent "?" - his agent replied "!".