advice
 

hello
I need advice... let me tell you of the circumstances.. I am one of 4 children, my mother has recentley been admited to hospital and is dying, none of us have not been in contact with our mother for years
I went to the hospital to see my mother this week, see asked me about my 2 brothers and our sister.
the facts are my older brother was sentanced to 5 years imprisonment for armed robbery and is still serving the sentance
my younger brother was left paralized after a road accident last year, he will not walk again

my sister has been a herion addict for the last 5yrs and is a regular prostitute and has recently married a man from Liverpool.

You can see my problem?
How can I tell my dying mother her daughter has married a scouser?

Re: advice
 

I see your problem. I live not too far from Liverpool and I work with quite a lot of Scousers.

I think your only solution is to tell your mother that your brother-in-law is from Birkenhead (or Bacon'ed as the Scousers call it). It is across the Mersey from Liverpool and Scousers refer to anything in the Wirral as extremely posh. Compared to Toxteth, Birkenhead IS extremely posh. You could really lie and say that he comes from West Kirby but you may be asking for trouble as he may not have grasped the art of holding his little finger in the air when drinking a cup of tea. This is vital in West Kirby and pretenders, who didn't do it, have been known to be shot at dawn.

Alternatively, you could tell her that he is from Prescot. This is the "wrong" side of the Mersey but the "right" side of Liverpool. Under no circumstances should you say he is from Huyton - even if he is. You might wish to chance your arm and mention Formby - but it's risky unless he drives a Jaguar or a 4X4 with bull-bars.

If this man visits your mother before her demise you should ensure that he is NOT wearing a shell-suit, of whatever colour. Also, remove all jewellery from his person and make sure your mother's teeth are not visible in a glass or container. He WILL appropriate them and he WILL return, the following day, for her gums.

;)

Re: advice
 

if you want to really kill her off tell her that the scouser plays for burnley as well.

Re: advice
 

tell her the bad news is that there is now a scouser in the family and the good news is that he stole her life support machine