Am i jealous?
 

In this past month 3 of my friends have been beaten up by there boyfriends-the scary and stupid part of this is that all three have taken the guys back (one after 3 days) :( :( :(
I cant describe how angry i am-at the guys but mostly at my friends who have taken these (insert swear word begging with B) back into their homes.
All of them have children :(

Reminds me of a mate i knew down south-i went round one day and she said "look at my flowers,are you jealous?" and i said "Def am-i havent had flowers bought for me for months"then she went red and quiet,so i thought they were from an admirer as opposed to her boyf and pretended to looked shocked.
She then told me they were a 'sorry present' because the friday before her boyfriend had beaten the crap out of her the weekend before,to the point where her neighbour thought she was dead.
yea i was soooooooo jealous.......not.

My mates that recently put up with this treatment have had their noses spread across their face or broken,numerous bruises,been strangled and one has a broken arm cos he threw her down the stairs.
Yet all of them deny that their children will now accept violent partners and think violence in the home is acceptable-erm hello,wake up.
God im soo mad.
I dont feel comfortable in their homes now cos i wont talk to their boyfriends, even my friends try and laugh it off and make a joke of it/make out it never happened/try and make me talk to them.

I watched my mum get beaten black and blue and il be damned if im gona talk to violent guys, let alone let some twerp punch me around.
I know alot of women are scared of being on their own-yea it is scary, but not as scary as living with someone and never knowing when the next violent outburst will be.
Im hoping my mates will find the strength to kick these 'men' (i use the word men loosely) out-chances are very small though :( :( :(

Re: Am i jealous?
 

I have never understood what the women beaters get out of it. I presume it's a control thing. Being a non violent person i think this cowardly act disgusts me more than most.

Re: Am i jealous?
 

It's the girls you should be angry with. After you accept an appology, after the very first time you suffer violence, you might as well sign an agreement saying you'll put up with it for the rest of your life.

Some people are so weak, and with so little self esteem, they settle for it, and it's very sad. All you can do is be there for them, and try to get through to them that everyone deserves a better life than being in constant fear of a beating.

Re: Am i jealous?
 

Although it is mainly violence against women, we must remember it happens to men too, and like Dave said it's all about power.

Re: Am i jealous?
 

I'm sure I will be corrected by those who have been through it but I think the fear factor doesn't make the exit very easy until a breaking point is reached.

Re: Am i jealous?
 

"I cant describe how angry i am-at the guys but mostly at my friends who have taken these (insert swear word begging with B) back into their homes."

Re: Am i jealous?
 

Being a DV survivor so yep it happens to the best of us im afraid, i put up for 5 years untill a brush with death woke the pants off me up then realised! I have had a few friends that have & still going thro it & trust me if i cant make them see despite the shear reality of what i went thro. I have worked with womens aid & done media campaigns also did a course on behavioural psychology of victims & abusers thro them too, so do know what im talking about. The trouble is that as whats happening with your friends is that the mental emotional behaviourial has already happened & is the hardest to break, ie he hits me cos he loves me so much beleif which is implanted, usually these women have huge low self esteem beleive they are not worthy of owt else, they couldnt help it coupled with their BF promise of change which gives them renewed hope also with self blame cos they beleived they caused or deserved it!! This is not gender specific as men are victims from husband beating [DV** too & is based on same psychology also.


There is a huge campaign atm regarding domestic violence & there is going to be 2m invested in refuges & Dv centres.

All u can do is point them to womens aid services that can get them help & support to break free, Hyndburn have their own drop in centre u can pm me for details of that.

More info: http://www.womensaid.org.uk

Re: Am i jealous?
 

I don't know your mates or who your refering to kitty, but Jesus half the friggin women up here think their fellas in disguise with their need for a scrap. It's disgusting.

Genuine domestic abuse should never be tolerated ..... but it's also about time the 'well hard' women put down their boxing gloves.

Re: Am i jealous?
 

True it takes huge strength to do it also cos these worms grind u down also making the break away can be the easy part - STAYING away is the hardest cos i could give u a huge list of the con tricks in the books they go to some lengths to get u back or try to remain the stronghold of control - ie harrassment, stalking - access with kids is the WORST & most abused form.

Re: Am i jealous?
 

Even someone who has been throught it, can't really comment on someone else relationship, as every single situation is different.

People who get told they are constantly worthless, and that they deserve the beatings, do come to believe it. However, not matter how low you get the door. or the police are always there, it just takes more guts to make it stop than it does to keep taking the violence.

It's not a secret because it was public, but Lettie wrote a very moving and inspirational blog here on Accy Web, about how you can leave a very violent and abusive relationships, and how it is possible to turn your life around.

Re: Am i jealous?
 

Statistically 3-4 women are killed each week from domestic violence :(

Re: Am i jealous?
 

I'm sorry. misskitty was confused by my reply so I'll try to explain.

The attitude of some women disgust me these days. I've witnessed a women spark a guy out cold on my street, he didn't retaliate but should he have done? What gives her the right to thump him? My daughters had to witness 2 so called 'mothers' kicking 10 bells out of each other at a childrens disco on Friday night.

As I said, genuine domestic abuse with all the physical and emotional torture should never be tolerated.

Re: Am i jealous?
 

any bloke that hits a woman is nothing but a coward and a bully, also it can occasionally work in reverse,i have always made a concious effort to avoid people like this who i am aware of, on the simple basis i find it very hard to keep me big gob shut.

Re: Am i jealous?
 

Contradicting yourself a little bit there.

Still a terrible problem, I can't imagine why anyone would do something like that, or how a couple can get so close they have children before something like this shows up. Still, I hope I never find out.

Re: Am i jealous?
 

I think that violence should not be tollerated in any form, & there is increase of many violent women [girl power gone wrong mentality or ladette & binge drink culture sweeping in], & a lot is result of violence in the family growing up with it as the norm, also the fact of 'i'll get in there 1st with the punch before he does' is also a factor or see how far they can push it testing the bloke out. Society in general is a lot more violent, even becoming stupidly socially acceptable or ignorant to the increase of violent girls as awarness of boys not hitting girls is frowned upon more.

Re: Am i jealous?
 

You being sixteen and male, you'll soon learn that life isn't only black and white, it's a whole dirty mess of grey too.

Re: Am i jealous?
 

Cheers Mel we've had the conversation before, you may not agree with my view point but you know were I'm coming from :)


Exactly, we bring our lads up telling then "YOU DO NOT HIT GIRLS" so what do we tell them when the girls instigate the violence?

Re: Am i jealous?
 

A little fact for ya ..... instances of violence does not always present itself at 1st hooneymoon period [be as nice as 9pence] but statistically & reality violence does tend to exibit itself after marriage & OR after kids or whilst is pregnant, reason ..marriage - well it becomes an ownership to the controlling person, victim is trapped more aka not as easy to walk out on a marriage with ties than single/couple. Pregnant/kids women in this case victims because at this time the woman is weaker more vunerable to abuse, also threats of SS taking kids away to make them submit/stay, dont want to split the family up, kids without dad etc is making of mental & emotional weakness easier & a weapon All are re-inforced with violence should those not work on its own - thats how it goes round & round.

Re: Am i jealous?
 

I know of someone over there who has recently seperated from her partner and this barsteward intimidates her every step of the way.... she used to be a very independantly(sp) minded lass but now cant even so much as think for herself , even though now he has left her for another lass he still seems to hold the reins on her and goes back regular for his cookies just to keep his foot in the door and stop her moving on, so many of us have suspected him inflicting violence on her but to presense nothing can be proven and more to the point she would at the moment still defend him to the hilt....
so all i can say misskitty is although they,re your mates and your close to them until they hit rock bottom they are unlikely to stay in the rut that these guys put them in..

Re: Am i jealous?
 

its a difficult one that tinks, all i can say is when i was young i have been attacked by a woman and also stabbed by another, neither did i hit, though i did tip a pint over the head of the one that attacked me.:D

Re: Am i jealous?
 

Hehehehehe yeh i understood & cropped up a few times during our coffee morning debates LOL:D

I tell mine its not acceptable for both girls & boys, violence breeds violence, there are better ways of handling it - by walking away & reporting it! Blumming hard work being permanent referee as they are 'that' age atm with sibling scrapping, but i do make my feelings very clear - i dont tollerate violence & they shouldnt either :(

Re: Am i jealous?
 

I thought half the women "up there" as you put it, were men ;)

I have no problem with him hitting her back in that situation. If she thinks it's ok to use violence against him then the man has a right to protect himself.

Not always. If we are talking about school kids that is. Sometimes kids need to stand up to the bullies and often smacking them in the gob shows them you will not be pushed around and often they will leave you alone.

Re: Am i jealous?
 

Shut it or your benna get a slap! :p :D

Re: Am i jealous?
 

aww come on we know your all woman..


well what there is of you anyway :D


BY THE WAY if you still feel you need to slap neil would you like to borrow these ?

http://www.sz-wholesale.com/uploadFi...ladder_428.jpg

Re: Am i jealous?
 

Men who hit women are one word COWARDS!!

BUT there are women out there too who do the same to men!!

Re: Am i jealous?
 

what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes ?

nothing you have already told her twice and it obvioulsy hasnt sank in ;)



and just to make it equal



what do you tell a man with 2 black eyes ?

nothing you have already told him twice and it obvioulsy hasnt sank in ;)

Re: Am i jealous?
 

i would wait until they were fast asleep ,then lamp them one with a pan.. then denigh all knowlege,,
seriously though ,,i think your friends should give these thugs/cowards a wide birth,,

Re: Am i jealous?
 

I wouldn't hit them when they were asleep Granny....but I might just put a squeeze of Croton in their tea ( Croton is the Joseph's coat of many colour plant.......) it would give them violent diarrhoea and bad tummy ache....and I would deny all knowledge of it.....but would watch 'em suffer.

Re: Am i jealous?
 

There are loads of different reasons why people don't leave violent relationships:- fear of being alone, fear of retribution, financial worries, how it will look to others and many more. The upshot is that all you can do is be supportive until they finally decide to leave. There are lots of agencies for victims of domestic abuse these days......Well, there should be, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men are abused within the home.

I am one of the lucky people who had a supportive family and friends. It was a darned good job really because the police didn't take domestics seriously back then. Fortunately, they do now, and so do social services if there are children in the household.

Be there for your friends Kitty but don't get involved in arguments with their other halves. Make sure that your friends have the information to help them get out, telephone numbers of Domestic Abuse agencies etc. They may not want to use this information just yet, but eventually, they will..... and they'll thank you for it.:)

Re: Am i jealous?
 

Yeh well said Lettie [from one survivor to another - proves u can survive it:D] I gave Miss kitty local DV womeans aid services contact details plus put the website on here for the national domestic violence helpline & info, which gives help & advice for those that have friends & family going thro DV.

I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for one of my best mates whom i regard as family now, she saved our lives, put us up & supported us thro it all the while:D

Re: Am i jealous?
 

This has to be a hard situation for you MK. To see your friends not just being hurt, but know, without help, they'll end up maybe even worse.

I really wonder what makes people do this sort of thing. I guess they must of gotten away with it over and over so don't see much need to change.

Cheers to those of you who have overcome this and are able to give others good advice and guidance. In my own life, I thankfully can't think of anybody I've known who's going through this!

Brian

Re: Am i jealous?
 

I think the advice you have been given by Mel and Lettie is good sound advice, dont get involved but be there when they need you.

Re: Am i jealous?
 

You tell them that two wrongs do not make a right and that getting into a cycle of violence is about as stupid as it gets. Self defense is permissable when, regardless of which sex starts the violence, but only to the point where you are protecting yourself. Then get the heck away from the person who started it.

Re: Am i jealous?
 

Lettie and Accymel make some very good points. Be a good friend, and let them know that there are ways to get help.

I'll ask Lettie and Accymel, as they have the real-llife experience. I'm sure that a lot of the victims don't tell their families. If I had a friend in such a situation, I don't know if I would tell their family, but I sure would encourage them to do so. It's amazing how helpful relatives, especially parent and siblings, can be when there is a real need.

My best friend's sister-in-law, a very lovely lady, had an estranged husband who would come by and beat her (she had separated for that very reason). We never committed violence in return, but her father, my friend, myself and a few others made sure the fellow knew in no uncertain terms that we would call the law and take all steps necessary to protect her if the behavior did not cease immediately. Fortunately, he was not inclined to test our resolve.

Re: Am i jealous?
 

True point billcat, many victims dont tell anyone, usually hide bruises, cuts, burns, rape, they dont tell a soul, mind u some violent partners got wise & hit or hurt areas that wasn't on view either like avoiding the face. Nobody knew i was suffering it for years definately not family not even my best mates - not even the one best mate i come to depend on later for survival!! If i did come a cropper with many a black eye it was blamed on an accident or cupboard doors with me [really funny thing was when in refuge & safe for ONCE i actually did open the cupboard too fast & caught my face - i pmsl cos for once it was actually genuine & became a standing joke in refuge with me humour accepted].

It is a very silent hidden secret thing as scared for my life & also not being believed was a huge factor [my x was very charming & very convincing - even one look from him would signal fear if i was in trouble by him so would know when i would be in for it], it wasn't till i actually left the house never to go back was when i banged on my best mates door & let it all out in a humiliated blurt & sob.

Keeping free from them is the next stage - where its blumming hard, draining & need serious wits to keep safe from harm, many victims like myself have been harmed just as much after they have left that relationship, i was assaulted, harrassed, stalked & verbally assaulted as well as criminal damage all to create more fear from then - so in their sicko mind u cant live alone & coming back to them would be easier they hope! It takes amazing strength, so can understand to a point that many do struggle & end up back.

Me, Lettie & many others are a symbol of hope & proof that u can break free & live much better free from it. I hear many stories, see many people [u can spot them] & have friends or aquaintances that are stuck in that horrible environment whom just either can see it because of the stronghold, false beleifs, & hasn't the strength to leave!! It takes me back i must admit but also re inforces that im so glad not to live like that again, but also sad that some people do put up with it when they dont need to, as there is help out there but u do have to admit & want help 1st, & thats the hard initial step for many.

Re: Am i jealous?
 

Thankyou Billcat, excellent words of wisdom as always :)

Re: Am i jealous?
 

right i know men shouldnt hit women...its awful, but when women hit men and even sometimes kill them nothing is ever said about it,my brother-in-laws brother was murdered by his wife, she stabbed him,he had been in a violent relationship with her for many years, they had 3 kids, he stayed with her to try and do the decent thing by his kids...it annoys me that nothing is ever said when its the opposite way

Re: Am i jealous?
 

I have to agree Flashy. I think that the reason that women don't seem to be punished as much is that men don't tend to report the violence. From a woman's point of view, I only told one friend what was happening. She was the person who helped me to escape, my boyfriend had threatened to seriously harm members of my family if I ever left him. I had 2 younger sisters and my mum living back home. It was my friend who helped me to see what a coward he was and that no harm would come to my family if I left. My friend had photos of my injuries and kept them in case they would ever be needed.

There are loads of groups out there now who specifically help women, they would help men too, but most men don't confide in them. These groups only exist because the women who have been through this, got off their arses and decided to help other women. I do think it stinks that women seem to get the lesser punishment when they are the violent one, but it is high time that men got off their bums and raised their voices in order to help themselves. It is only the fact that women have been vocal about domestic violence and have fought for justice that we now have this inequality..:(

Re: Am i jealous?
 

Must be hard for men who suffer physical abuse .. not the macho image to report. Hope in the future they will now be encouraged to do so, and will not finish up as per Flashy's close experience of the brother-in-law's brother .. how very sad.

Luckily, my daughter was strong enough to get out of her marriage to a complete 'nutter' after a few months of marriage ... think kicking her downstairs and breaking her jaw when she was eight months pregnant did the trick. These men always appear to be so amenable to the outside world, and lots of her friends wouldn't believe the abuse she suffered initially.

A large percentage I think is based on some sort of mental illness, as experiences I have been involved in have had similar 'symptoms'. Walter Mitty character, lots of lies upon lies that build up their kudos. Fanatical jealousy, accusing the wife of having it off, for example, with the washer repair man, not wanting them to wear too much make up or allowing them to go out with friends, criticising jobs done in the house and meals prepared. Absolute control freaks. This sound familiar ?

Re: Am i jealous?