so my mum died this afternoon...
 

but before folk start saying sorry to hear and all that stuff please let me explain that I am not sad at all - infact I am not actually bothered..but I am curious to know what people think...
let me explain...

I did not have a good childhood and was battered black and blue
from an early age by my mum - whether it was with a stilleto, belt, or the poker from the fire - I got it - this went on for years and she often went out and left me and my sisters alone to fend for ourselves so I did grow up resenting my mum and not having a close relationship that a mother and son should have..
anyway regardless of my relationship with her I didnt move out thorugh misguided loyalty ?...but when I met the other half I did go..however she gave me a volley of abuse for doing so and once more she did the same when I told her I was moving down here...
I was told last year that she was dying from cancer and that I should go and see her...at christmas whilst in scotland through the pressure of my sisters I went and seen her - for the first time in 8 years
but couldnt look her in the eye and only spoke one word to her...which was 'fine' - when she asked how I was...
and today I got the phone call that she died this afternoon...but like I have mentioned - I am not really bothered about it as she was never there for me as a child - why should I be there for her now ?
I am in 2 mind on whether to go to her funeral as I know there will be a few realtives tutting at me - but they dont know what she done to me as a kid...
would it be right or wrong for me not to go ??


your thoughts on this matter please...

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

I don't think it'd be either
It's a big decision tho
I honestly can't say what I would do in the same situation
What I do hope, is that you don't do it for them family members that will go "tut"
Who cares what they think

Do whatever you think is right for you and your family, no one else

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

I cant really say, as iv never been in this predicament, all I can say is that in the end its up to you, nobody else. maybe you should go for closure.......? i really dont have a clue im afraid:(

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

If you don't want to go - don't - you might even get pressured to pay part of the funeral costs which would be the ultimate insult.
She sounds like the mother from hell - where she deserve to be (if you believe in hell).
I would not care what relatives might say - they ought to have rescued you from torment when you needed them - so their opinions don't matter, because they let you down too.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

i see what your saying Chris, but when it comes down to it she was your mum, i never had a good relationship with my mum either, she died of cancer when i was 15, we fought a hell of a lot, i was the rebellious(sp) one in the family and we clashed like mad, i got a slap or five for it too, but nothing untoward, i often wonder how my life would of turned out if i'd of still had my mum around.....

anyway enough of me, i think you should go to her funeral, even if its only for closure, you want to put that part of your life behind you and i think this would be the best way to do it and get over it

just my opinion but i reckon it will help

in years to come you may wonder why you didnt go and you may regret it


no one can make your mind up for you, only you can do that, either way we are all here to help you with anything if needs be

take care and chin up xx

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

Do what you think is best for yourself. What will other family members think if you dont go ? Is it better to have a few hours of tutting or a potentially longer time of regret for not being there ? By going will you will feel bad as you dont think you want to be there ?

Tough one, but what I would say is whatever you decide you will question your own decision right up until the time, so maybe input from other trusted friends/family will help. You may also find the reaction from the family may not be what you expect and they may know more than you think.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

its a difficult one, YOU n your family must come first, i think, as for relatives i think its fair to say, you probably are not aware of who knew what? you being a child at the time. i know bloods thicker than water, but anyone who tuts to me is not worth yer time anyway. coping with a family death is not as easy as some may think, i had a similar thing with me dad until about 18months before his death (was wed with kids then) all i can say is i went to his funeral n can honestly say it did me no good. everyones differant.the important question is wether you go or not how yer gonna cope with that descision, try n answer that n it may give you the correct path. good luck.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

Tough call. I had a vile stepmother who when she dies will create a similar problem between me and my Dad.

What sort of relationship do you want to maintain with the rest of your family ? If it really doesn't matter then don't go. Despite what happened you must have some feeling otherwise you wouldn't have gone to see her. Maybe one last time at the funeral is something you feel you could manage, it's something you won't need to do again.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

I am really not that bothered about the fact that she is now dead as she was as good as dead last year and the year before that and that - it was 8 years since I last spoke to her - she didnt know where in england I lived, what my phone number was. what I do for a living, what the other half does, what weight the little one is etc, anything about us - no cards - nothing...why ? cos she didnt want to know..
and I dont agree with the closure thing as that was all done years ago when she ws alive as far as I am concerned..and I honestley dont think I will regret a thing if I were not to go to her funeral...ok I may **** one or two folk off but thats life...no pun !
and I know some relatives didnt know what she done cos alot of it came out at new year when certain folk got talking to my big sister - and she put them straight - and they were shocked..but I shalll keep reading your replys..

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

no - it was pressure between my sisters and other half to make me go..I only went to keep them happy - thats the honest truth..

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

well if yer big sis put em straight n they were shocked, there is no justification for em to tut, seems like ya got yer answer.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

So sorry to hear about your childhood GG .. how terrible.

Did think Flashy's remarks about closure was good, then read your remarks about this in another post. So one cancelled out the other so to speak.

Could bring you closer to your sisters I guess, but as mentioned, do you want this ?

The only point I would like to add is that, when the vicar/preacher, etc., is giving his 'run down' on yer mum, he is not going to say anything bad is he, which may lead to you yourself 'tutting' throughout this address, and causing you more than a little stress incontinence.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

I am very close to my sisters anyway so thats not an issue..and I have thought about the vicar thing and I probably will sit and tut to myself if I go...as will one or two others..so there would be no stress at all...

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

If I was you and decided to go, I would not be able to resist a 'dance on her grave'
If it is a cremation - donate a can of petrol.
That woman does not deserve any traditional 'send off'
She was never a mother to you so why bother.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

my kinda thoughts...I have the pressure from my sisters and the other half to go and 'do the decent thing'...

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

what she did wasnt very decent though was it:(

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

The 'decent thing ' is only appropriate for decent people -- she wasn't

Ps - if you need revenge (and I would) - not going would be it, and provide closure for you

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

of course not and I wouldnt wish it on anyone - when I was a young kid I used to hope that I was adopted and that my real parents would come and get me - not what young kids should think...like I mentioned to aleks in a pm.. - I was often told whilst growing up that she 'wished I had died at birth' - I was born very prematurely -so she wouldnt have to look after me at that time...

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

You'll only get one chance to go to ur mums funeral to say final goodbyes. Dont waste an opportunity which you may regret in future years to come..

My advice anyway..

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

He never had a mum

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

I can only speak from my personal experience (which is no more than any of us can)
I was subjected to physical violence and intimidation from my 2nd ex.
I did not learn of his death until 2 years after it happened.
I would go and dance on his grave if I knew where it was.
That is why my response may seem extreme to you

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

I kind of agree a bit with everyone here, so there can't be much here that helps in many ways, willow has a very valid point, you have one chance at this, but as opposed to closure for yourself or anything for your mother, I think maybe your sisters would appreciate you being there for them, it's a very tough call, and I thank god it is not a decision I will have to make (not for my mum anyway), unless my biological father (sperm donor is how I refer to him), makes a second intrusion into my life, his funeral I would not go to for anything or anybody, but mine would be a much easier decision than the one you have to make, when all is said, I think going to be beside your sisters, and to say good riddance (if that is how you feel) sounds like a better bet than not going at all and perhaps resenting it later. All the best gg, that is a toughie!

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

what a terrible childhood you had she doesnt deserve to be called a mother. if she was my mum and treat me so bad i wouldnt go to her funeral. my husbands dad didnt care about him or his sisters and when he died my husband didnt go to his funeral and to this day he doesnt regret not going.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

So sad about your childhood GG though I know you dont want sympathy, she doesn't deserve to be called a mother, I dont think I would go unless you want too, dont feel pressurised by family to go because there's only you who knows how you feel.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

I personally would not go. Why should you pay your respects to this woman? However, you need to be certain about it. If you are in any doubt as to whether you may regret not going in later years then maybe going would be best.

It's one of those decisions that once made cannot be altered.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

I would go myself and spug agrees that he would go as well. I know it seems strange this but we would go even though the way she has treated you was awful, she didnt know your child, your partner, didnt know where you lived etc. She is the one who lost out - but go and say your goodbye. In time if you dont go you will regret not going.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

I think you should go. If you dont you may regret it, if you do there is nothing to regret. But its up to you.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

i would say from bitter experience that you only regret the things you havent done-

plus it may help you to get closure for yourself. I would say that you should make it about yourself rather than being there for your mum on her last day. It is obviously at the back of your mind nagging away. maybe it will go away when the funeral has been and gone - or maybe it will turn into thoughts of regret. it is a really personal choice that nobody can make for you but i hope all of these different points of view help you to come to a decision x best wishes to you

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

I would go just to say " goodbye and Good riddance." It would also be nice for you to be there for your sisters.
But at the end of the day it can only be your decision. You have to do whats right for you.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

Bit of a tough one.... i havent spoke to my father for 12 yrs but have already decided when that phone call comes i definately wont be going to no funeral.Wont be dancing on no graves either,just be going about my daily business.I'm sure you'll come to the right decision.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

Personally I'd stay at home and enjoy spending the day with your family.

Proving, despite your mum's example, that you've turned out to be a good parent.

I hope with time you can remember something good about your mum. She must have had something bad happen to her to make her be so cruel.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

I think you should go, because you might regret not properly saying good bye to her. Although you might despise her for the way she treated you, everything that has happened to you in your life has shaped you into the person you are today. I think you may feel better if you try and forgive her for what she did, because although she didn't show it, like any mother I'm sure she loved you as her son very much.

I'm sure she'd have loved you regardless if you had been the one who acted in such a way. They say that even the mothers of the most terrible murderers and criminals still love their sons regardless. I'm sure it can work vice versa and you might be able to find enough love for your mum to say your final goodbyes to her?

Don't be stubborn and live to regret it, that's all I'm saying really. But dont go if you truly cant find it in your heart to forgive her or give her any real compassion.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

I don't wish to hijack this thread, but I think the children of Rosemary West might disagree with you on that one.:(

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

a mother who tells her son that she wished he died at birth is not a mother who loves her son - in my eyes
and I cannot forgive her for what she done to me as a kid - how I dont have any emotional/mental scars from it is anyones guess...:o
I am not being stubborn about it...simply realistic about it...and the only reason I would go if my sisters asked me to go.
I would go for them - not for me to say any goodbyes - my goodbyes were said 8 years ago when she abused me down the phone after telling her I was moving to england...
she has been making her bed for the last 30 years - now she can lie in it for eternity..

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

I dont think Glasgow Guys mother is quite on the same level as Rosemary West. I didn't say it MUST work vice versa either, I said surely it is possible.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

I don't know either you or your mother, and it's upto you what you do in the end. But I dont think you need to ask the forum whether you should go when you clearly know the answer already. Just follow your heart.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

I'm afraid we'll have to disagree.

To me blood isn't stronger than water. The strongest thing of all is love, and that sadly doesn't always come from a parent.

Like I said earlier, I really hope one day Glasgowguy will be able to have at least one fond memory of his mum.

I don't think people are born bad, my instincts, without knowing the facts, is that this woman must have had something terrible happen to her in her life, to turn out such a bad parent.

No offence meant, Glasgowguy.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

Must be my forgiving catholic upbringing that makes me want to forgive everyone.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

Do what’s right for you. If you go you may find closure, you might find it in yourself to stand aside of your past and forgive your mother for her abuse and in doing so you may yourself feel stronger and find the strength to move on. You’ll never forget what happened and don’t say your mothers death isn’t affecting you, it clearly is. If you don’t go in time you might regret it.

If you go, your in control, you get go as close or as far away from your mothers remains as you choose, you can choose who you associate with. Above all you’ll know one way or the other if it was the right thing for you. If you don’t go you might find yourself asking questions and allowing the past to follow you through life.

There’s a lot of pain here, people should keep that in mind when replying…


What ever your choice I hope you find peace and if possible forgiveness.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

Im with Garinda.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

GG you must do what feels best for you.
As other people have observed.....only you know what is the right thing.
If you do go, then you don't have to sit and listen to a false eulogy spoken by someone who knows nothing about the past.....you can go the the coffin and tell your Mum your pain....how you were made to feel worthless.......and how this made you feel.
Or you could stay at home and write down your feelings and then burn them....each of those things may help you to achieve closure......as for revenge. No, it doesn't help anything. Just be glad you have found someone in your life who makes living good, and focus on your family.
I wish peace for you.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

catholic upbringing?, you only went to the school...LOL:rolleyes:

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

Sounds Like Your Dammed If You Do And Dammed If You Dont go to the funeral ,,,,
If Your Realy, Realy Not Sure ... Then Toss A Coin...fate Is A Funny Thing ............

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

If you had no intention of going to the funeral you wouldn't ask if you should go. Go - be there with your sisters and show them you're a family and when the distant relations start droning on about what a wonderful woman your mother was - tell them the truth and leave them gasping.

I feel so sorry for the little boy that was you but I also feel uneasy about your mother because her behaviour was abnormal, to say the least, and I wonder what made her like that.

Time to move on now, there's no going back. Start the future with your sisters, with your head up high, and let it all go.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

Funerals are all about respect and a celebration of the deceased's life; sounds to me like you don't owe her any respect and the only thing to celebrate is the fact she is gone.
I would stay at home with your family .

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

Hey Glasgow Guy, Thanks so much for sharing this with us! Even though my "mom" is still alive, I can "feel ya" on this one. Very similar childhood and feelings about the lady in the house we was raised.

I've often felt odd when my friends lose their parents and are so terribly devastated at the loss of one of their parents. Okay, it is probably more envy or jeolosy that they had such a close relationship with them.

I don't believe you need any closure by going to the funeral. You can always find that in the future if you so wish. However, I think it may be important for the rest of your family to have you there. If not solely for them. It'll be hard when folks approach you with condolescences and "happy thoughts" about this dead lady you used to live with.

When my mother dies, I will attend her funeral out of respect for my brothers and sisters. My only tears will be for the fact that she had NO CLUE as to how much scars, pain and anguish she caused or allowed to an innocent little boy!

I do so wish you well in this time GG. Let those closest to you , and who know you (and your background) best help guide you in this decision!

Brian

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

Can you not hire a look a like of yourself for the day? You don't have to go and the family are happy because they think you went ... sorry silly answer but hope it raised a smile :)

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

I think you should

i think it'll help you get some kinda closure on what happened.

dont do it for the sake of relatives - all my life i've been blighted with the expectation of what my relatives wud think rather than what wud make me happy.

dont do it for them do it for yourself. leave early if you really dont want anyting to do with your relatives

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

I tried but brad pitts working on tuesday:rolleyes:...typical !! cant get the staff !

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

A heartwrenching thread. One thing is for sure - biology alone does not a good parent make. I think the term "closure" is overused. Some things just stay with you forever.

That said, it seems that you were able to overcome your harsh beginnings and make a decent life for yourself. In celebration of that - be the better spirit. Forgive, even if you cannot forget. If the relationship with other members of your family remains good - which you so indicate - then perhaps this would be a great opportunity to reconnect in a number of ways. Since you brought up the subject of whether or not you should attend the funeral, it seems to me that you are not dead set again going. There is a chance that such a trip might lay some of the demons to rest.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

keep us imformed of what you decide to do,,,,my thoughts are with you whatever you decide... it cant be easy,,:rose2:

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

just a small update...
I am going to go to the funeral - as both my sisters asked me to go - for them - we have also been footed with the bill for it all as 'dearest mummy' had no life insurance or money left over...nothing...so we have to foot the £2500 bill!! she done nothing for me whilst alive and now she has gone I have to pay out of my own pocket to bury her!!! and cos no ones on the dole we get no help at all !
but all her sisters and co (aunts and uncles) are treating me and my sisters like lepers and not contacting us regarding the funeral arrangements - which they made...and left the bill to us - at one point they told us that we were not getting in the funeral car!!
but the last laugh will be on them as the family house was bought by said mother way back in the early 90's - from my grandad so that it would stay in the family..and given that we are next of kin then the house is legally ours...lawyers are already working on the paperwork for that to go through without their knowledge...the thing is said aunts and unlces think that the family house is in my grandads name...and that its theirs when he decides to go...boy are they in for a shock..
and I dont have too much of a say in it as both sisters want to sell the house when it all goes through...they have told me that I should recieve about £45k from my share of the house sale.. but I feel it may mean that certain relatives wont talk to me ever again when they find all this out....I am really torn over it all - guy at work say that the money I get can be called a compensation pay out due to the way I was treated as a kid...

what would you do in this situation...my heads spinning due to this...really stressing me out...yeah the money would be hand to say the least but its not my/our fault that this is how its happened...mum died, next of kin (us) are legally left what she had - no will nothing like that - just the house..

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

i wouldnt call it compensation but i would call it 'what you are owed' it wont be just you who the relatives wont speak to again, it will be your sisters too, i wouldnt bother with the relatives if i where you, would they be thinking about you if the shoe was on the other foot and they got financial gain from the house? i think not...do what you think is right chris, we can only give you advice on the matter....but i'd definately take the money

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

You should have told the Funeral Director that no-one is willing to pay and to instruct the local council to give her a pauper's funeral. These are very very basic which is no more than it sounds like she deserves.

I take it it's too late for that though if arrangements are already in place.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

Its A tricky one hun, cnt comment realy, but my heart goes out to you xx you have to think wots best you..........
wot ever you decide either way were all here for you hun
take care lv
emm xx

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

[quote=glasgow guy;521109]just a small update...
I am going to go to the funeral - as both my sisters asked me to go - for them - we have also been footed with the bill for it all as 'dearest mummy' had no life insurance or money left over...nothing...so we have to foot the £2500 bill!! she done nothing for me whilst alive and now she has gone I have to pay out of my own pocket to bury her!!! and cos no ones on the dole we get no help at all !
but all her sisters and co (aunts and uncles) are treating me and my sisters like lepers and not contacting us regarding the funeral arrangements - which they made...and left the bill to us - at one point they told us that we were not getting in the funeral car!!
quote]

If your aunts and uncles arranged the funeral, I don't think they can make you foot the bill. It is them who have made the contract with the funeral undertaker, not you and your sisters. (Law might be different in Scotland).

Even if you (and your sisters) are considered liable for the funeral expenses. I wouldn't worry too much about how much you might have to pay for the funeral, as funeral expenses are a debt against the estate of the deceased - which would be paid from some of the money from sale of the house. Don't be presurised into paying any funeral expenses until the house is sold. If you (and your sisters) do get a bill give it to the solicitor to sort out as part of the estate.

You do deserve your fair share of the sale of the house. Hope everything goes ok at the funeral, I am sure your sisters will appreciate you being there for them.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

try not to let it stress ya, so they may not talk to ya again- so what? if they are like that they aint worth it, arranging n leaving others to pay is not a nice thing to do, so DONT let em stress ya, slong as you n yer sisters are ok, stuff the rest if thats how they wanna play.;)

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

You could always attend the funeral,
but observe from a distance, don't let
those other relatives see you, just your sister

Take a camera use it just to prove to the
dissenters that you were there.

you could regret in years to come that you were'nt
there.

Retlaw.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

When you go to a funeral you go to pay your respects to a loved one usually - sounds as though the umbilical cord snapped a while ago. Sadly, no one can make the decision to go or not to go for you. Good luck whatever your decision.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

Oh, I am just loving the postscript! So pleased that you will receive a share of your mother's estate. Accept it gladly and pay no heed to what the relatives may say. It's karma, my friend.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

Have no qualms about your inheritance........it is yours and the relatives who may shun you because of what you inherit, aren't fit to be called relatives.

Re: so my mum died this afternoon...
 

I feel glad that you decided to go, no-one can ever throw it back at you that way, the house thing is probably a long way from settled, the rellies will probably do anything to get thier hands on the house, or stop the sale, and the proceeds going where they should, I wish you well with this.