Accrington Web - Brave New World -

Well, A-B, I said I’d have a look at this document and I have done so. However, given the option was an evening with my good Finnish friend, Ms. Whiplash Helsinki 1989, it appears I made a mistake. To be blunt – this was mental torture. Now I know what it feels like to be a hostage in Iraq.

Alarm bells, should of course, have rung at the very front page. Remember your homework exercises …..title in the middle, date on the right?. “No matter,” says I, “the date will appear somewhere”. Alas, nowhere in it’s 24 pages of putrid drivel and spurious figures can it’s publication date be found. It’s no surprise, really; anyone with any pride would want to see this document well and truly vanquished.. So congratulations, A-B, in managing to excavate this one from amidst the rotten landfill of Council reports, initiatives, strategies, plans, exercises and all the rest of the garbage.

On the basis of the statistics contained within, I estimate it’s production date to be sometime around 2001; in fact, I’d say it came out on September 11th, a good day, as was said in government, to bury bad news.

Notwithstanding the fact that HBC are blatantly incapable of managing the existing parks such as Milnshaw within the borough ( amounting to no more than a couple of hectacres), they are proposing to join in with the other local authorities in a development of parkland of – wait for it –1000 hectares.

I don’t think I will bother you with the detailed content; not even with a summary; suffice to say, there are little gems that stand out. Naturally, the public transport infrastructure has to be improved although the authors nowhere mention the effect of all the additional leaves on the line. The overall plan is to make East Lancs more attractive to inward investment. Good idea – that means jobs. Unfortunatly, the industrial co-sponsor is Karrimor…..last heard of sacking half it’s workforce. That’s what happens when a company chucks money away on rubbish such as this.

The other co-sponsor is Time Computers. To quote their blurb (p9) : “We know that the regional park will help us to recruit and retain the key skills that are essential for East Lancashire to grow” Does one of those key skills involve putting computers together with lump hammers?

But the best, of course, is always last, and on this, they’ve got it right. The final section - page 20 – reads “ACCOUNTABLE BODY….Hyndburn Borough Council will act as the accountable body….the Councils Director of Financial Services will be responsible for ensuring financial propriety.”

Yes, folks, you’ve read it right. HBC will run the books. You might as well hand Air Traffic Control over to Al Q’uida…..but these jokers are serious.

So A-B, we’ll do a deal…..you don’t come up with another one of these things and I won’t ask you to go up Ossy to take the same picture twice.