What exactly is wrong with you?
 

Yesterday I went for my fortnightly chemotherapy session at my local hospital, Royal Lancaster Infirmary, in the Oncology Unit (that's cancer dept for those unfamiliar with the word. It's a nice place, in the old part of the hospital, (see below, complete with fairytale tower), with small rooms for consultations and larger ones for day patient treatment, with high ceilings, big windows, superb staff and lovely big reclining armchairs for the patients. Most folks are there for infusion (drip) of drugs, for an hour, several hours, or sometimes all day. You chat, read, sleep, get brews and lunch, and you might be in a hotel lounge if it weren't for the dripstands.

Anyway, yesterday, I was getting my belongings together to leave after my four hour session, when a woman sat down in the chair next to where I had been ensconced (that's the right word, the chairs are so comfy. We made the usual polite conversation, is it still cold outside, are you here for long, I'm just leaving, isn't it nice in here, aren't they wonderful, etc etc, when she came out with "And do you mind me asking, what exactly is wrong with you?".

I wanted to say of course I minded, but I was too flummoxed and flabbergasted that I wrapped up my problem in a sentence or so, she came out with some platitude or other, and I got out my phone, went very pointedly out of the door, made the call to my other half to pick me up, went back in, picked up my things and left.

I wish I had been able to tell her to mind her own business. It sounded like she was conducting a survey (she wasn't), and after an acquaintance of a minute or two that question was a bit well... personal. Of course if you are in there and chatting for a few hours, such things often come out in convresation without questions actually having to be asked. I was glad I was leaving - the thought of sitting next to someone like that for a few hours and having perhaps more such questions would have driven me quite mad. That was my tenth session and I have not had anything like it before.

I wonder what any of you would have done in that situation? How would you have reacted? perhaps give me some tips for thinking on my feet in case it happens again? Thanks for listening, anyway...

On a slight side thread, harking back ro a recent thread about Prince Charles saying nurses should have compassion, one conversation yesterday was about something similar. The staff at the unit are unfailingly kind, cheerful, smiling and competent. Their personal skills are second to none. I don't know why they choose to go into oncology nursing rather than or after ward nursing and wonder if a different set of skills is needed, perhaps it will try and ask next time I go. They took part in in our discussion and didn't really mention compassion. My overall impression is one of warmth and humanity - is this the same thing? anyway, I'm very glad they're there - the staff make the whole experience very bearable. I think one thing is that in this situation they have to be very hands on with the patients all the time and so the personal skills side is important.

PS I have no complaints about other NHS staff I have encountered at the hospital, in case you're wondering

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

If you meet someone who makes you feel uncomfortable and it isn't possible to leave the scene, I find that silence and a telepathic thought - 'go forth and urinate' usually works.

Most people get the message whether they believe in telepathy or not.

No-one needs be socially obliged to put up with any person who invades personal space uninvited.

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

Yes - I could try that next time - but when you're in the middle of a normal exchange of polite nothings, suddenly turning silent is the last thing on my mind normally!

Thanks for the tip anyway.

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

Well Sue I find myself agreeing with Margaret, although I'd put it a little different, like please walk away in wet footsteps. Think you'd have been within your rights to tell her to mind her own business, in fact she must have been a little thick, I would have thought it would be quite obvious what you were there for anyway

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

Of course she knew the gist of the problem, she was probably in there for treatment herself, but don't forget there are many hundreds of different cancers, she wanted the deep down details, hence her use of the word "exactly". Anyway there were others in there for her to prey in her quest for answers after I'd gone so hope she got some satisfaction somewhere.

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

Susie, here in my local hospital (in Sicily) all the patients are encouraged to talk openly and freely about their condition. Apparently the policy is that it reduces fear and avoids situations such as the one you described.
Perhaps we English are so much more private than Italians but I have to admit, it seems strange to hear them talking about their cancers as if they were just blackheads.
Good luck

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

Reading this thread actually reminds me of one time when I was an inpatient on ward E3 at the old Queens Park Hospital. I was in a 4 bed bay at the time the other three were all in the 70s, one was led there moaning oh I am ill, oh I am poorly, over and over again, another was just moaning say we're all going to die, we're all going to die, the third chap was just moaning and talking incoherently, It was driving of me round the twist believe me, the sister came past and I just said its doing my head in in here, I have never seen anybody moved as quickly as I was that day, which at least gave me peace of mind

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

No, when you're in there for a few hours with all sorts of folks you do often end up talking about your condition but it comes out gradually and you don't have to join in if you don't want to.

The point was this woman was right in my face, I'd known her for two minutes, and she could see I was leaving so I couldn't have carried on the conversation on anyway. Perhaps she was just ticking off different conditions on a twitcher's type list? :rolleyes::confused:

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

when asked what is up with you by a nosey parker i recommend saying anything that sounds contageous.Have a dissease preppared though because i didnt and said herpees which wouldnt have been too bad but i was sat with my then partner lol

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

John, when I was in hosp in Jan 2012 there were 9 of us in the ward, all about my age or older plus one youngish woman, from Accy coincidentally though she had to come to Lancaster for the op she needed.

I have to say for my first experience of the NHS it was life-enhancing, a great bunch of women (I normally get on better with blokes). All different conditions and because I was one of the fitter patients I spent a lot of time helping people to the loo and with meals etc but when I needed help it was there for me from them.

I was asked if I wanted to go in a single room after a few days because they needed a bed in open ward for someone but I said no because I would have missed their company.

Staff were great too!

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

I've met some really nice people in hospital Sue, especially at the old Queens Park, sadly a lot of them are dead now, but I still keep in touch with a couple.

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

Why are you here ? You tell me first. Prob would've been my response. If it was nothing serious then I would walk away without telling her anything.

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

Not wishing to trivialise anyone's medical condition but if you ask me "What exactly is wrong with you?" I'd have to reply - I don't know, people have told me some things but I'm still not sure! (psychological)

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

Its not an easily answered question, and responses are not thought of before hand or rehearsed. So you cannot say why she was asking, just nosey! or just diagnosed and looking for some comfort in people already going through the experience.
I suppose the only answer you can give if you have to stay seated for a while, is to bounce it back by saying why are you asking, have you got cancer. However we all walk away thinking I should have said that, or done that.

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

You some kind of necromancer ?? :eek:

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

Thanks Rob, that's a good one to remember.

Like that one too, Dave.

I reckon she was nosey, she was obviously a regular patient as the staff recognised her so I don't think looking for reassurance etc. I would probably have opened up if I'd stayed but it was so obvious I was just leaving that I wondered why she bothered.

Thanks chaps for your input.

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

If some one comes in your face with a sudden question, just say "Why", they will have to think up some excuse for being nosy.
If some one says to me are you alright, my answer is "No", they then look concerned and ask why whats wrong, my responce to that is don't ask daft questions I'm half left.

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

Thanks Retlaw, the first one's a good answer but I'll have to learn to think quicker on my feet - and I was on my feet, she was sitting down..

And the second answer made me laugh even though it's a very old joke, my dad would say that if folk asked.

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

Given the place you were. No wonder you was flabbergasted. Then again personal questions from strangers is a bit weird.

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

I dont think john would fit in with the new romancer thing, more of a teddy boy i would say:D

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

Oops sorry DIG NECROMANCER must get my eyes tested:D

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

As you know sue i have a little first hand on this subject and it is quite shocking sometimes the questions you are asked by strangers , but i think a lot of the time it is about not being the only one with a problem it helps with nerves and worries to chat (if sometimes inappropriately) to someone in the same boat so to speak.

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

Yeah Dave, I get all that, should do by now, but I wouldn't have minded after a bit more acquaintance and had I not been ready to leave. Surely she could have seen that? Anyway it's a couple of days ago now, I'll add it to my list of experiences.

Today I had to pop back to the hosp for a quick check and stopped to see a fellow patient who was in for a blood transfusion. He's on the same chemo regimen as me but a relative newbie so I've been trying to keep him informed and make him less anxious. We get on well and had a great chat today but then we are used to each other now. And I guess I'm always happier and find it easier talking to blokes than women, always have done from childhood.

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

I've said this answer before if someone says 'What's up with you!?' In a general sense (If I look flustered or miserable or something!) but I'm not sure I could use it in this case! In that situation, it's a lot more specific and much as it sounds as if the facilities and staff are as best they can be, I'm sure everybody there would rather they weren't. It would make me too, feel very uncomfortable!
I reckon she was just being nosy or perhaps looking to be reassured, or both!
It's her manner of asking that I would have a problem with.

If she had have said what she was in for and said she was a bit worried about some aspects of the treatments/staff/illness and asked how you had found YOUR treatment, or even if she had have said 'If you don't mind me asking, how are you doing here, are they treating you well-is everything okay with your treatment..?' Or such that wouldn't have concerned me half as much.
Then again, if it was obvious that you were finished and about to leave, It's still a bit of a weird thing to do. She may have been really worried and just needing some empathy but she still went the wrong way about it.

I think that's a good response too. Knowing me though, if I had have said that and then the woman looked upset or didn't know what to say back I would have felt bad for making her feel bad about asking.

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

Sue...my response to her would have been along the lines of 'Why do you want to know'....and I would have winged it from there(but very likely I would have told her I was having my belly button removed and a press stud put on).....as for compassion. I think your assessment of that trait is bob on....it isn't the schmalzty stuff, it is kindness and humanity....being able to empathise(even though everyone has a different response to similar conditions).

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

You could have told her in great detail, with a lot of fictional padding, even creating a detailed fictive world ... but remembering all the time to be long-winded and boring ... and just keep going and going and going like the little pink bunny, not allowing her a break. And when she started looking bored, and seeming as if she wished she were anywhere but listening to you, you could have gone on with renewed vigor, untill she cried "enough", or ran screaming to the washroom.:D

Of course "screw you bitch; it's none of your goddam business" is always an option.;)

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

It certainly seems to be a strange question from a stranger, but..what if this Lass was on her own...had a few tests...been told she has cancer...needs teatment...the first person she can talk to(in the same situation) is the OP...it may not be an unreasonable question for someone looking for reassurance. Perhaps its me.

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

Nah come to the conclusion she was just nosey - she was certainly not a newbie in the treatment room where we were, known to the staff. Probably asks all the new people she sees in there - but there's a time and a place. And she wasn't what I would call a lass - same age as me-ish and I'm 66.

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

Some people are just nosey....and blunt....they do not have the filter to soften questions like this.
There is a way of asking someone a very personal question....and this was clearly not the way to do it.
Nursing staff go to great lengths to preserve confidential information(or at least they did when I was nursing)........so why should someone be required to tell another patient what their medical condition is?

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

Ya they still do Margaret, when I was in before xmas there was a bloke in the next bed he was like, what can I say, the nosy neighbor, always walking round the ward how are you and all that, he was just a pain in the butt, and got short shrift from me, so he gave over trying. One day they brought an old man in who was obviously very poorly, and his nibs said to the nurse what's up with him. she just looked at him and said that's none of your business, think she had him weighed up;)

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

Oh, I used to be full of quips for that type of patient....he's having his flue swept(tho....it doesn't quite work on the men's ward - much better in the lingerie department).......he's having the slopstone taken out and a new stainless steel sink put in....that kind of answer told them nothing, other than to MYOB in a nice jokey sort of way.

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

speaking of "what is wrong with you " isnt it infuriating when a receptionist at a doctors such as accy pals asks for details of your illness or problem when you ask to see a doctor infront of a que of people.I have since left that dump and now attend a doctors where you ask a receptionist to see a doctor and the only thing your asked is what time would you like out of the available slots.It must be an accy pals thing though because most of their staff now work at the doctors i attend and they dpnt need to know what is wrong with you they leave that to the doctor to decide which is how it should be done:)

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

Yes, it is annoying. My daughter who has recently spent more time at this place than she would like to, just tells them it is her 'usual problem'.

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

I used to have a doctors in Haslingden who were the same, it was like taking the third degree to try and see the doc. so I used to ring up instead, off course then you got the old well I'm sorry but we don't have an appointment time until a week next pancake Tuesday, I just replied that's fine, I'll have an home visit then please, I'm ill today not a week next pancake Tuesday, it always astounded me how quickly they could conjure up an appointment out of thin air on the very same day:rolleyes:

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

My GP is like that. You have to call first thing (about 8am) to get a morning appointment, if there's none left by the time you call you have to wait until after 1pm to call to get an afternoon appointment. Or they say they can't fit you in unless it's an emergency. I usually would say 'It's not an emergency as in I'm dying right now, but it's an emergency as in, I need to see a GP today or it may get a lot worse!' -and that usually worked.I try to avoid doctors if at all possible-and when I do go I usually self-diagnose first then go in and say 'Ive got this, I need some of this' and they usually agree and oblige!

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

It seems to focus the mind of any doctors receptionist when you hit the ball firmly back in their court, with backspin on it:rolleyes:

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

It really bothered me actually because in my experience, when you're ill, half the time you can't sleep or are more tired than usual-perhaps both!And when you do get to sleep, having to wake up at 8 am to phone the doc was often stressful and involved you having to get up and sit with the 'phone to your ear for up to an hour (maybe more, that's just the longest time I remember) waiting to get through-not good when you've got something wrong with you no matter what it is, really. I've moved house now and need to register with a new one-hopefully this one will be better!

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

i dont think it matters where you live any more and you can now register with any practice as they can no longer refuse because of your location if i recall correctly

i recomend the one at accy vic hospital they are extreemly good and are taking on again soon when they have relocated to what was the physio therapy department which is bigger .If you cant get an appointment which is rare you can see a doctor as a drop in patient but you could be waiting 5 mins to 1 hour depending on how busy they are.


i spent so much time there as a drop in patient because i could never see a doctor at accy pals i registered with them

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

I thought of you today Sue, having been to Burnley General.
After having a field test at the eye clinic, I was directed to sit outside and there were only 3 seats, the middle one being occupied, I sat on the left of a lady who I just knew was going to ask me what I was there for!
She did, first sentence, I replied that 'I wasn't sure '.
I was next to her for about 5 minutes and got chapter and verse on her expectant laser treatment,
Some people I think ask you but really want to tell you..

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

I sometimes wonder how this type of doctors surgery exists SM, when I lived in Hassy I often rang for an appointment and was always asked by the receptionist what was wrong, I just said that's between me and your boss, they didn't like it much, but they had to lump it.

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

Yes Steve, I got another one this week but I was prepared, I just said that I really didn't want to talk about it. She did though, and that was fair enough, she had only had one treatment and was a bit unsure, whereas I'm on my tenth... I listened until her transport turned up to take her home.

Hope all's well with you.

Re: What exactly is wrong with you?
 

Doctors rarely admit their shortcomings.
Five years ago I was struggling to stay awake and was gasping for breath.
Tests he did were negative so doc said 'there is nothing wrong with you'.
He should have said 'I don't know what is wrong with you'.

I had to find out myself by trial and error.

I have never consulted my doc since then - I know my body better than he does.