Accrington Web - My body's no longer my own

I wrote this poem about four years ago when I was pregnant with Zack - thought I'd share it with you. Might amuse any mothers out there who'll know where I was coming from!

My body’s no longer my own
Something happened to grab my attention
An alien’s made itself at home
And it started to build an extension

It rejected my efforts at cooking
And gave me a most severe talk
No chilli, no curry, no onions
It would much rather have me eat chalk

It’s stopped me from coffee drinking
No more cola, no more caffeine for me
It’s made me drink gallons of cows’ milk
And the most disgustingly awful weak tea

Soft cheese, peanut butter and pate
All wonderful foods I hold dear
But for the alien I’ve given them up
I can’t tell you how much I miss beer

I wear clothes young children could camp in
And my bras are two sizes too small
High heels are out of the question
And my coat just won’t fasten at all

Lying down, keeping still I seize up
Some days I can’t open my eyes
But at least hourly trips to the toilet
Make sure I get good exercise

If you phone me and find I don’t answer
Don’t be surprised, I’m not in a huff
I’m probably just stuck on the sofa
And getting up in time is too tough

My knees and my joints are all achy
My hair’s gone all stringy and dry
My back is taking the pressure
And I’ve got suitcases under each eye

Emotions sometimes get the better of me
With my hormones all over the place
But I’m told that I still look attractive
With mascara streaming down my face

I’m tired by ten in the morning
I check out the loos everywhere I go
If we’re walking give me a head start
Because my fastest speed is dead slow

Sex is not really an option
Imagine the logistics it entails
Plus it’s hard to feel sexy
When your stomach’s as big as a whales

I’m woken at two every morning
When budding Beckham stands before goal
He obviously needs lots of practice
So uses my kidney as his football

Then I’m woken again at five
When Lennox Lewis comes out to play
I think he’s trying to punch his way out
Someone tell him he’s going the wrong way

But I have to admit there’s a plus side
I’ll soon have a new baby to kiss
And my body will be all my own again
Then, it’s just my life that I’ll miss