The Return Of Albert
 

You've 'eard 'ow young Albert Ramsbottom,
In the Zoo up at Blackpool one year,
With a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle,
Gave a lion a poke in the ear.
The name of the lion was Wallace,
The poke in the ear made 'im wild;
And before you could say " Bob's your Uncle,"
'E'd up and 'e'd swallered the child.

'E were sorry the moment 'e'd done it,
With children 'e'd always been chums,
And besides, 'e'd no teeth in 'is noddle,
And 'e couldn't chew Albert on t' gums.

'E could feel the lad moving inside 'im,
As 'e lay on 'is bed of dried ferns,
And it might 'ave been little lad's birthday,
'E wished 'im such 'appy returns.

But Albert kept kicking and fighting,
Till Wallace arose feeling bad,
And felt it were time that 'e started
To stage a come-back for the lad.

So with 'is 'ead down in a corner,
On 'is front paws 'o started to walk,
And 'e coughed and 'e sneezed and 'e gargled,
Till Albert shot out like a cork.

Old Wallace felt better directly,
And 'is figure once more became lean,
But the only difference with Albert
Was 'is face and 'is 'ands were quite clean.

Meanwhile Mister and Missus Ramsbottom
'Ad gone 'ome to tea feeling blue;
Ma says " I feel down in the mouth like,"
Pa says " Aye I bet Albert does too."

Said Ma " It just goes for to show yer
That the future is never revealed,
If I thought we was going to lose 'im
I'd 'ave not 'ad 'is boots soled and 'eeled."

" Let's look on the bright side," said Father,
"What can't be 'elped must be endured,
Every cloud 'as a silvery lining,
And we did 'ave young Albert insured."

A knock at the door came that moment
As Father these kind words did speak, I
'Twas the man from t' Prudential,
E'd called for their "tuppence per person per week."

When Father saw who 'ad been knocking,
'E laughed and 'e kept laughing so,
That the young man said " What's there to laugh at ? "
Pa said ~' You'll laugh an' all when you know."

" Excuse 'im for laughing," said Mother,
"But really things 'append so strange,
Our Albert's been ate by a lion,
You've got to pay us for a change."

Said the young feller from the Prudential,
"Now, come come, let's understand this,
You don't mean to say that you've lost 'im?"
Ma says "Oh, no ! we know where 'e is."

When the young man 'ad 'eard all the details,
A bag from 'is pocket he drew,
And 'e paid them, with interest and bonus,
The sum of nine pounds four and two.

Pa 'ad scarce got 'is 'and on the money
When a face at the window they see,
And Mother says "Eeh I look, it's Albert,"
And Father says "Aye, it would be."

Young Albert came in all excited,
And started 'is story to give,
And Pa says "I'll never trust lions again,
Not as long as I live."

The young feller from the Prudential
To pick up the money began,
And Father says " Eeh I just a moment,
Don't be in a hurry, young man."

Then giving young Albert a shilling,
He said " Pop off back to the Zoo.
'Ere's yer stick with the 'orse's 'ead 'andle,
Go and see what-the Tigers can do

Re: The Return Of Albert
 

not herd that one ???
where did it come from?

Re: The Return Of Albert
 

Not quite sure Mick, had it for ages :)

Re: The Return Of Albert
 

what book is it in?

Re: The Return Of Albert
 

Not come out of a book...(well, probably did originally) I think I got it off a website 3 or4 years ago... :)

Re: The Return Of Albert
 

thanks for letting me know dave. ;)

Re: The Return Of Albert
 

Thats the best thing I've read for a long time.

Re: The Return Of Albert
 

Just got back from Blackpool and whilst on the top of the tower found some info on this Albert and the lion stuff! Thought I'd take a photo and put it on here.

http://www.accringtonweb.com/ukbug/tower.jpg

So it looks like its the work of Stanley Holloway!

Re: The Return Of Albert
 

Check out this Link
Marriot Edgar poems by Stanley Holloway
http://www.btinternet.com/~robcol/albert/albert.htm

Seem to remember something similar by Hilaire Belloc as well.

Re: The Return Of Albert
 

Finally found the poem!


JIM
(Who ran away from his nurse
and was eaten by a lion.)
by
Hillaire Belloc

There was a boy whose name was Jim
His friends were very good to him
They gave him tea and cakes and jam
And slices of delicious ham
And chocolate with pink inside
And little tricycles to ride
They read him stories through and through
And even took him to the zoo
But there it was the awful fate
Befell him, which I now relate
You know (at least you ought to know
For I have often told you so)
That children never are allowed
To leave their nurses in a crowd
Now this was Jim's especial foible
He ran away when he was able
And on this inauspicious day
He slipped his hand and ran away
He hadn't gone a yard when BANG
With open jaws a lion sprang
And hungrily began to eat
The boy, beginning at his feet
Now just imagine how it feels
When first your toes and then your heels
And then by varying degrees
Your shins and ankles, calves and knees
Are slowly eaten bit by bit
No wonder Jim detested it
No wonder that he shouted "Ai"
The honest keeper heard his cry
Though very fat, he almost ran
To help the little gentleman
"Ponto," he ordered as he came
For Ponto was the lion's name
"Ponto," he said with angry frown
"Down sir, let go, put it down!"
The lion made a sudden stop
He let the dainty morsel drop
And slunk reluctant to his cage
Snarling with disappointed rage
But when he bent him over, Jim
The honest keeper's eyes grew dim
The lion having reached his head
The miserable boy was dead
When nurse informed his parents they
Were more concerned than I can say
His mother as she dried her eyes
Said "It gives me no surprise
He would not do as he was told."
His father who was self-controlled
Bade all the children round attend
To James's miserable end.
And always keep ahold of nurse
For fear of finding something worse.

Good link here if you like monologues.

includes the Marriott Edgar stuff and tons of others:

http://www.monologues.co.uk