Accrington Web - heres a few to make ya smile

just seen these and thought id share them with you hope you like em ..:D

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.'
I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
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"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'
He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
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"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
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"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."
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"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?'
I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'
I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?',
I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.'
I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.'
He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'
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So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"
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"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
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"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
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"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
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"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
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"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.