Steve's Handy tips
 

When leaving your house empty,nip across into your neighbours garden and prize open one of their windows. This will make their house a far more attractive proposition to burglars than your own.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling your bath with cold water adding two bottles of bleach,then urinating into it before jumping in.

If you have a squeaking door,leave your house and walk fifty yards down the street.from this distance it is unlikely you will be able to here it.

Stay tuned for more handy tips
Steve

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If your neighbours have a dog that craps all over the place, scoop it up and shovel it through their letter box at dead of night. This will drop a hint & also keep the flies out of your kitchen the following morning.

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Don't try and whistle with a mouth full of custard!

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CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously
erased.

Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking
them to wrap it.

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classic

reminds me of the ol' nyttol may cause drowsiness warning :)

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Avoid burglars in your house - put your television somewhere where no one can see it

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Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker
"Dustbuster." The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be
dispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace

Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding
under the covers.

Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and
talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly,
or set fire to someone else's house.

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Don't forget the warning on a packet of KP salted nuts - MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF NUTS

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Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
at people as they walk up the aisle.


Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a
thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on
the wall.

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their
lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

And my Favorite...........
Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply
strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all,
as to your allegiance.

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GREENGROCERS Why throw away old,shrivelled unsold fruit and veg? Simply label it Organinc Produce and charge twice the usual price.

Skin a tomatoe by simply eating it. Hey presto! the next you are left with just the skin in the toilet ball.

A Tub of margarine sent via interflora,is the perfect romantic gift for a girl who likes making sandwiches.

Reduce wear and tear on your work clothes by 20% by simply staying in bed on Mondays and not going to work.

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By jogging to work behind the bus I am able to save 96p a day in bus fares

IF your going to San Francisco be sure to wear flowers in your Hair

Girls.... If you are to old to go on 18 to 30 holiday. Simply get ****ed lie in a sandpit and shag every bloke who looks over your fence

Supermarket Chicks.... Why not simply have love bites tattooed on your necks. That way there would never be any danger of you being without one .

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A good book with the pages wrapped in cellophane makes ideal reading in the shower

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PLAY "McDonalds Drive Thru" with your kiddies by getting them
to ride past the living room window on their trycicles and order
what they want for tea. Then let them ride round to the
kitchen window where you hand them something completely different
to eat. Unless they orderd fish fingers, in which case you tell them
to park on the flower bed and wait for half an hour until they are ready !!!

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Ya, thats good is that, nice one.

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Avoid 'Red Eye' when taking flash photographs by sticking a small piece of black tape over the flash bulb on the front of your camera.

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Make your own orthapaedic car seat cover by sewing conkers onto a string vest.


Farmers. Don't throw away those old pairs of rubber gloves. With the ends of the fingers cut off they make sexy 'peep hole' bras for cows.

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If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed. :)

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff
broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the
side of the road every time you have a minor accident. :)

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the damn
thing in the first place, you fat gits. :)

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat
friend's backside, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The
possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking
any of them. :D

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic
explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their
noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to
impress the girls. ;)

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away. :D

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A tip for all you electricians and wire monkeys out there:

When removing insulation from a cable with a sharp knife... Never cut towards your thumb. Always cut towards your chum! :thumbsup:

Re: Steve's Handy tips
 

Good one.

Whats a wire monkey? lol
Is it similar to a monkey post?

Just joking.

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Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
coat hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over
any that you catch in the act.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower

Sweet corn fans. Save money on toilet paper by simply pouring the
stuff straight down the pan.

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Plastic tops off smartie tubes maake ideal frisbees for a pet gerbil or hamster.

Pop tarts make deal radiators for dolls' houses.


Small lengthsof rubber make ideal 'skin tight body suits' for worms. Roll them in talcum powder first to ensure a comfortable fit.

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Don't try this at home, kids.

If you are ever plagued by seagulls, firstly gain their confidence by throwing pieces of bread to them.
Once they no longer see you as a threat, substitute the bread for half an alker-seltzer, then watch them fall out of the sky faster than a lead ballon when the tablet goes 'plink-plink-fizz' in their belly. :nono8:

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Anorexics.

When your knees become thicker than your legs, start eating cakes again.

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Girls.

Take an empty cigar tube fill it with wasps & shake it. Hey, there you are, an inexpensive vibrator... and no batteries to go flat!

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Travellers

A sheet of sandpaper makes a useful substitute for a map whe you are visiting the Sahara Desert

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not so sure on the 2nd one...sounds a little.....retarded. i will do the rest however!

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Engineers.

Have all you sh*ts at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, you will be getting paid for it!

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Nissan Micra Drivers.

Attatch a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before setting out on a journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

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If you suffer from Halitosis. Simply regulate your breathing, so that you are breathing out at the same time as everybody else. :D

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Better still, make it look like you are breathing in while someone else breaths out.
That way, they get blamed for the stink !

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Housewives:

When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

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Taxi Drivers.

Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the f*ck you're going!

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Bus Drivers

Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers. :D

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Old telephone books make ideal personal
address books. Simply cross out the names
and addresses of people you don't know.:)


Fool other drivers into thinking you have an
expensive car phone by holding an old TV or
video remote control up to your ear and
occasionally swerving across the road and
mounting the curb.:)


Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid
tuna. You might find that the subsequent food
poisoning will enable you to lose 12 pounds in
only two days.:)


Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen
wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave
your car parked illegally.:)

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Create 'chocolate-flavoured' toothpaste by simply eating a Mars bars whilst brushing your teeth.

Does/did anyone here read the Top-Tips section in Viz? Some laugh-till-you-cry classic in there over the years.

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Late for Work?

Tape a mousetrap to the top of your alarm clock. Never again will you fall asleep when you reach for the snooze button. :D

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When purchasing a new 3 piece leather suite costing over £2.5k it pays to make sure that it actually fits in your living room. :D

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Housewives

If you need a pan scourer, a shredded wheat filled with pink soap makes an inexpensive brillo pad.

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Short of Money?

Buy the kids a set of batteries each at Christmas, with the message, "Toys not included!"

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Or you could give them an empty box and tell them it was an Action Man Deserter.

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Have never read it - are they repeatable for AccyWeb?

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Busman, you haven't got a top deck! :eek:

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Someone is not Playing with a full deck on here hehe

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Have fun and confuse your neighbours, buy a TV & remote the same model as theirs and hide under the window to change their channels. You are likely to hear a few new words as well, so this tip is educational as well as fun!!

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To make your hips and thighs look slim on the beach, dig two tunnels under your thighs and make a small dent in the sand for your bottom. Place your towel over the top and sit in the dug out area. Hey presto, no bulging thighs and hips.

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Alternatively, get liposuction!!!

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Avoid paying lots of money for a personalised number plate, simply change your name to PR52 146.

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Time to return to Handy tips, you can tell I got a couple of copies of Viz for Christmas.

WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house afterwards.

PET OWNERS Rats make ideal 'large print' mice for short-sighted cats.

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead

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This thread nearly died so heres some more to keep it going.....


DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

RED WINE DRINKERS Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night of drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking Out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

Re: Steve's Handy tips
 

Top Tip

Fill a whoopee cushion with brown sauce. It will make it look like the victim has followed through! :D

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Lol! Just don't place the whoopee cushion on ya favourite chair!:D

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If You File All The Corners Off A Fifty Pence Coin , You Can Use Them As Ten pence Pieces In The Phone Box .

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Eee what a waste of 50p:rolleyes:


I'm sure somene will let us know later if it worked:p

(I'd be more likely to carry a 10p piece than a file tho)

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When You Ask For Ice In The Pub Make Sure It Is Fresh And Not That Frozen Rubbish >>>>

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I do have a photo somewhere of an egg carton with "Allergy advice: Contains egg" on it.