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Knowing what the Americans are like with Friendly fire, I now know four extremely safe places to be (Thanks go to our roving reporter Mick for those few re-assuring words).

:rolleyes:

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There is a rumour going round the area that the Americans have picked the next 4 Targets for a strategic strike
1 MINERS ARMS 2 OAK TREE 3 STAG INN AND 4 THE FOXHILL you have been warned :drink:

I DECLARE THE STAG INN A NUCLEAR FREE ZONE + THE BEERS TO STRONG FOR THE YANKS.:do-one:

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And now over to our embedded reporter somewhere out there in the midst of all the action.........

(reporter to camera man are you sure sweety? Your not just saying that? Now come on, honestly, does my bum look big in this flak jacket?)

(Camera man to reporter, Oh, sh*t you dizzy b*tch we're on air try and act professional!).

Oh, er well, and here we are once more at a secret location somewhere overlooking the whole area of Accrington, you were lucky not to be with us in daylight the heat, the smell, the flies and the seagulls, but now this hilltop vantage point seems to have settled down with just the odd scream from some poor unfortunate G.I.being cornered by the man eating rats here on Whinney Hill,
(To camera-man, am I allowed to mention Whinney Hill I thought the location was secret?, still never mind I've said it now!).

As I was saying, from here live on November the 5th 2004 at a secret location somewhere above Accrington Looking down on the raging fires and the disturbances with all the American fire power that is going into returning Hyndburn kicking and screaming back to it's former democratic life, because of the isolation of being up here any-one could be mistaken into thinking that this was nothing more than the locals celebrating bonefire-night. I must now return you to the studio.
(To Camera-man I'm telling you now if I have to carry on presenting this in these ridiculously baggy trousers then I quit, they call it a battle dress, you'd think I could at least wear a skirt, fades embarrasingly back to studio............).
:signbeer: or I'll carry on.

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It has been rumoured that the Americans are using their "star wars" weapon to take out the satalite responsible for the broadcasting of "Hyndburnlife" A web site that informs the locals of all that is happening in the area..............we are unable to confirm this at the moment as the site is "down!" We hope to resume broadcast as soon as........Oooh my god, its a cruise missile..........

OK FOLKS, It hit a U.S. base just south of us, (they are good at that, aren't they:D )

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A helicopter was flying around above Accrington yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the HYNDBURNLIFE building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

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We here in the studio have some good and some bad news to report to the population of the oppressed Hyndburn battlefront.

As you will have heard from our undercover reporter busman, a Cruise Missile fell to the south of the battle area very close to where the American troops are encamped.

Due to this our Reporter embedded with them has told us that she will have to go home due to the fact that when the missile fell she broke three of her nails as she scrabbled to get under the colonels bed, (reports have not yet made it clear as to what she was doing in his tent at the time but we are sure it must have been some form of in depth interview) and the bad news is:-

Jim Davidson is coming to entertain the troops!
:notworthy