Accrington Web - Dear Mr Wonga...

I am in part time employment. One night per year, and although current working time regulations state that you should do no more than 13 hours without a break, because of the different time zones around the world I am contracted to work for approximately 31 hours without rest during my shift.

I am diagnosed clinically obese yet am forced to carry around 330,000 tons in my sack at the start of my shift. After doing this job for over 100 years I am now suffering from curvature of the spine.

My employers, who in the main are under the age of eleven, pay me in biscuits and milk and the occasional tot of rum. My doctor has advised me that I will never lose weight on such an abysmal diet without 5 a day in fruit or vegetables. Sometimes I am given a bonus carrot but I use that to help feed my herd of Deer, however this is not a suitable diet for them either and I am facing prosecution by the RSPCA for animal neglect.

I can only afford one outfit which is not suitable to wear in warm weather and have been cautioned by the police for 'letting it all hang out' whilst job hunting in my underwear during the summer months.

I employ a great number of illegal aliens who work for free and a roof over their heads, assembling brightly coloured wooden train sets, which although popular in 1926 I can't even give away to my current employers who write me letters every year saying 'gimme an eggbox or a plus4 you old fat tool' (illiterate little bleeders).

But I digress, yesterday I was arrested for false imprisonment, slavery, not paying minimum wage and human trafficking.

I realise I have no collateral, no gainful employment, not a snowball in hells chance of paying it back, which it seems satisfies your criteria....

So I hereby apply for one of your special non-repayable loans. I only need enough to pay my bail, buy a lear jet, a premier league football team and an island in the Maldives.

Sincerely yours,
F.Christmas