Accrington Web - If The PC Brigade Were About In 1805!

THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR

(how legends grow)

Nelson - "Order the signal, Hardy"

Hardy - "Aye, Aye, sir"

Nelson - "Hold on, that's not what I gave to the signal officer. What's the

meaning of this?

Hardy - "Sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud) - "England expects every person to do his duty,

regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or

disability" "What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy - "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We're an equal opportunities

employer now. We had the devil's own job getting "England" past the censors

lest it be considered racist"

Nelson - "Gadzooks Hardy. Hand me me pipe and tobacco"

Hardy - "Sorry sir, all naval vessels have been designated smoke free

working environments"

Nelson - "In that case break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main

brace to steel the men before battle"

Hardy - "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the

government's policy on binge drinking"

Nelson - "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full

sail and make speed"

Hardy - "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this

stretch of water"

Nelson - "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in

history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest

please"

Hardy - "That won't be possible sir"

Nelson - "What?"

Hardy - "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness and

they say that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up

there until proper scaffolding has been erected"

Nelson - "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy"

Hardy - "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle. Admiral"

Nelson - "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd"

Hardy - "Disability discrimination act, sir. We have to provide a barrier

free environment for the differently abled"

Nelson - "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse to

even hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by

playing the disability card"

Hardy - "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the

areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency"

Nelson - Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons"

Hardy - "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let

the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone

breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson - I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men

to stand by to engage the enemy"

Hardy - "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral"

Nelson - "What? This is mutiny"

Hardy - It's no that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged

with war crimes if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid

lawyers on board watching everyone like hawks"

Nelson - "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy - "Actually, sir, we're not"

Nelson - "We're not?"

Hardy - "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners

now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this

stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation"

Nelson - "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil"

Hardy - "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying

that, sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary"

Nelson - "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King"

Hardy - "Not any more, sir. We are inclusive in this multicultural age. Now,

put on you Kevlar vest, it's the rules"

Nelson - "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum sodomy

and the lash?"

Hardy - As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on

corporal punishment"

Nelson - "What about sodomy?"

Hardy - "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir"