It was April the 12th 2003. I was packing our suitcases to fly back to Melbourne.
Hubby and I had just had 5 days in the Red Centre.......2 days at Ayers Rock (more properly called Uluru).......I day at King's Canyon and the last two days we had spent in Alice Springs.
The time at Ayers Rock had been really spooky.......but I couldn't for the life of me tell you WHY it felt so spooky. It was also very wet and humid at Ayers Rock. I had some really weird dreams while I was there too.
As I said I was packing up ready to fly back to Melbourne when my mobile phone went off.
It was my daughter. It was a good job I was sitting on the bed because I would have fallen to the floor if I had been standing.
She told me in the call that she had found a job for hubby and me when we returned to the UK that July.....childminding. It was a call I had dreaded........I had dreamed this call while we were staying at Ayers Rock.......word for word.......every bit of the conversation.
I was not very happy........in fact this news made me the most miserable I had ever been. It was made worse by the fact that hubby thought it was just about the BEST news he had ever had.
I could not have been more miserable if my daughter had been 15 and given me the same news.......she wasn't 15......she was 35 and she had been married for 4 years.
We had been in Australia for 3 months and we still had 3 months of our trip left to go. This was THE trip of a lifetime...something which had been planned and saved for over the past five years.
I was enjoying the trip very much up to that point........then with this news hubby only wanted to get back home. It put a real damper on the trip.......and I was resentful of this.
He was angry with me for being so miserable about the news......and said I was was 'sick' not to want to be that awful G word.........I told him that I would NEVER be called that...or if I was I wouldn't answer to it. It caused quite a bit of animosity between us during that visit.
It was selfish of me really, and I was only thinking of myself.
I didn't feel ready for my daughter to have a baby........like, as if it was anything to do with me. And I certainly couldn't be happy about it.
After saying all that I did think of the practical side of things and brought my daughter some maternity clothes back.....oh and a few baby things too.......the practical took my mind off the emotional stuff.
When we got back from Oz I couldn't look at the expanding waistline of my daughter and I didn't want to talk about the pregnancy at all.
The baby was born on the 12th of December 2003........and we were leaving the UK on the 6th of January to go back to Oz again.
I didn't take any interest in the baby.......I didn't look at him or pick him up.......in fact i think the first time I picked him up was the week before my daughter was due to go back to work.......I had offered to look after him so that she could return to work.......although I had earlier said that I wouldn't do this.
I felt that looking after him was the only practical way we could help out.......and I looked upon it as a job.
There may be those of you out there reading this that will think my attitude was harsh and unfeeling.........I have to say that my daughter understood me and accepted these feelings of mine.....in fact she predicted that this would be my reaction. I didn't feel grown up enough to handle all this.
The health visitor came to see my daughter and she asked about post natal depression.......my daughter said she was Ok, but that I had got post natal depression badly........and she was right.
This little boy is now 17 months old.......and he runs me ragged at times.
If you asked me now would I change anything.............well, I would say it is a futile question because it can't be changed......
in fact there is another baby due in the next few days........
I'm not happy about that either, but I have it to live with.
I wouldn't have chosen this for myself.......I wanted to be able to do what I wanted, when I wanted.........I wanted to be free of responsibilities.......
footloose and fancy free.
I wanted to have ME time........to lie on the bed in the afternoon with a book in my hand and a purring cat by my side.
Life decided to give me something different, and I have adapted.......it is the only way I suppose.
What the last 17 months have taught me............ is that in life, you don't always get what you want.......but you DO have a choice as to how you see the situation. I am not exactly sure how I will react to the new offspring, but what I do know is that I can offer practical support.
Hubby and I had just had 5 days in the Red Centre.......2 days at Ayers Rock (more properly called Uluru).......I day at King's Canyon and the last two days we had spent in Alice Springs.
The time at Ayers Rock had been really spooky.......but I couldn't for the life of me tell you WHY it felt so spooky. It was also very wet and humid at Ayers Rock. I had some really weird dreams while I was there too.
As I said I was packing up ready to fly back to Melbourne when my mobile phone went off.
It was my daughter. It was a good job I was sitting on the bed because I would have fallen to the floor if I had been standing.
She told me in the call that she had found a job for hubby and me when we returned to the UK that July.....childminding. It was a call I had dreaded........I had dreamed this call while we were staying at Ayers Rock.......word for word.......every bit of the conversation.
I was not very happy........in fact this news made me the most miserable I had ever been. It was made worse by the fact that hubby thought it was just about the BEST news he had ever had.
I could not have been more miserable if my daughter had been 15 and given me the same news.......she wasn't 15......she was 35 and she had been married for 4 years.
We had been in Australia for 3 months and we still had 3 months of our trip left to go. This was THE trip of a lifetime...something which had been planned and saved for over the past five years.
I was enjoying the trip very much up to that point........then with this news hubby only wanted to get back home. It put a real damper on the trip.......and I was resentful of this.
He was angry with me for being so miserable about the news......and said I was was 'sick' not to want to be that awful G word.........I told him that I would NEVER be called that...or if I was I wouldn't answer to it. It caused quite a bit of animosity between us during that visit.
It was selfish of me really, and I was only thinking of myself.
I didn't feel ready for my daughter to have a baby........like, as if it was anything to do with me. And I certainly couldn't be happy about it.
After saying all that I did think of the practical side of things and brought my daughter some maternity clothes back.....oh and a few baby things too.......the practical took my mind off the emotional stuff.
When we got back from Oz I couldn't look at the expanding waistline of my daughter and I didn't want to talk about the pregnancy at all.
The baby was born on the 12th of December 2003........and we were leaving the UK on the 6th of January to go back to Oz again.
I didn't take any interest in the baby.......I didn't look at him or pick him up.......in fact i think the first time I picked him up was the week before my daughter was due to go back to work.......I had offered to look after him so that she could return to work.......although I had earlier said that I wouldn't do this.
I felt that looking after him was the only practical way we could help out.......and I looked upon it as a job.
There may be those of you out there reading this that will think my attitude was harsh and unfeeling.........I have to say that my daughter understood me and accepted these feelings of mine.....in fact she predicted that this would be my reaction. I didn't feel grown up enough to handle all this.
The health visitor came to see my daughter and she asked about post natal depression.......my daughter said she was Ok, but that I had got post natal depression badly........and she was right.
This little boy is now 17 months old.......and he runs me ragged at times.
If you asked me now would I change anything.............well, I would say it is a futile question because it can't be changed......
in fact there is another baby due in the next few days........
I'm not happy about that either, but I have it to live with.
I wouldn't have chosen this for myself.......I wanted to be able to do what I wanted, when I wanted.........I wanted to be free of responsibilities.......
footloose and fancy free.
I wanted to have ME time........to lie on the bed in the afternoon with a book in my hand and a purring cat by my side.
Life decided to give me something different, and I have adapted.......it is the only way I suppose.
What the last 17 months have taught me............ is that in life, you don't always get what you want.......but you DO have a choice as to how you see the situation. I am not exactly sure how I will react to the new offspring, but what I do know is that I can offer practical support.
