I was thinking yesterday, and I suddenly realised that I have no fear. No one, or nothing frightens me. Sure things depress me, or make me sad, but I'm certainly not afraid of any one thing or person. Perhaps this is a bad thing, and sometimes I should show a little more caution, and then hopefully wouldn't get into any scrapes.
This hasn't always been the case. From the age of about eight to eleven I had the most dreadful fear of dogs, which is a bit strange because I always wanted a dog, but I was never allowed to have one. There was no real reason for this phobia to start, except that a mad, little jack russell once pinned me to a wall. It ran circles around me, and everytime I tried to get away it tried to nip my ankles. I was like a stray sheep on 'One Man and his Dog', being rounded up.
The result of all this was that rather than walk past this farm on Stanhill Lane were we used to live, I used to walk over the dark, wet, lonely, fields. It seems mad now. The path through the fields was pitch black, and to most people much more scary than the well lit lane.
I ended up so nervey that if I ever saw a dog in the distance, rather than walk past it, I would literally walk miles out of my way. Like most phobias there is usually a trigger to these irrational fears, in this case, and with hindsight, I can now see that the real fear was my emerging sexuality.
I can't remember how many arguments I've had with people over the years about sexual orientation. Trust me, once and for all, no child wants to be different, be it fat, ginger haired, poor, or 'soft'. Although I was always popular with my peers, others, usually older children could smell my difference and tried to make my life hell. Luckily enough I had great friends who helped me feel not too isolated. For the final time, I did not choose my sexuality, it is part of my genetic make up, just as much as the fact that in my early teens I had acne. I did not choose it. I am not a masochist. By the way, anyone who may think that my background made my sexuality different, either starved of paternal love or with a dominant mother, you're wrong, my brother is 'normal'.
All these whirling fears and self loathing, I can see now, transfered itself into this fear of dogs. Self protection, I suppose it was. My prepubescent mind couldn't quite cope with the fact that my life was going to be different to most of my friends, so rather than explode I transfered my anxieties onto something else, in this case our canine friends.
With the help of my parents, and a very good hypnotist/therapist, I managed to over come my phobia.
The result, at this stage of my life, is that now I don't let myself have the luxury of fear. I won't ever put myself in danger, but on the other hand I won't stop myself from doing something because of anyone or anything, be it walking home alone through a ghetto in some far flung foriegn city, or standing up to bullies.
Good can come out of bad.
This hasn't always been the case. From the age of about eight to eleven I had the most dreadful fear of dogs, which is a bit strange because I always wanted a dog, but I was never allowed to have one. There was no real reason for this phobia to start, except that a mad, little jack russell once pinned me to a wall. It ran circles around me, and everytime I tried to get away it tried to nip my ankles. I was like a stray sheep on 'One Man and his Dog', being rounded up.
The result of all this was that rather than walk past this farm on Stanhill Lane were we used to live, I used to walk over the dark, wet, lonely, fields. It seems mad now. The path through the fields was pitch black, and to most people much more scary than the well lit lane.
I ended up so nervey that if I ever saw a dog in the distance, rather than walk past it, I would literally walk miles out of my way. Like most phobias there is usually a trigger to these irrational fears, in this case, and with hindsight, I can now see that the real fear was my emerging sexuality.
I can't remember how many arguments I've had with people over the years about sexual orientation. Trust me, once and for all, no child wants to be different, be it fat, ginger haired, poor, or 'soft'. Although I was always popular with my peers, others, usually older children could smell my difference and tried to make my life hell. Luckily enough I had great friends who helped me feel not too isolated. For the final time, I did not choose my sexuality, it is part of my genetic make up, just as much as the fact that in my early teens I had acne. I did not choose it. I am not a masochist. By the way, anyone who may think that my background made my sexuality different, either starved of paternal love or with a dominant mother, you're wrong, my brother is 'normal'.
All these whirling fears and self loathing, I can see now, transfered itself into this fear of dogs. Self protection, I suppose it was. My prepubescent mind couldn't quite cope with the fact that my life was going to be different to most of my friends, so rather than explode I transfered my anxieties onto something else, in this case our canine friends.
With the help of my parents, and a very good hypnotist/therapist, I managed to over come my phobia.
The result, at this stage of my life, is that now I don't let myself have the luxury of fear. I won't ever put myself in danger, but on the other hand I won't stop myself from doing something because of anyone or anything, be it walking home alone through a ghetto in some far flung foriegn city, or standing up to bullies.
Good can come out of bad.
