[John_Timmins]

They may have been put up on here before but still they made me laugh


Parrot Talk
One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a parrot.
He found one that he liked and went up to the counter to buy it. The store clerk saw which parrot he had picked out and said, ''That parrot repeats everything he hears.''
''That's alright,'' the man replied.
So the man bought the parrot and left the store.
As he was walking down the street, he saw a cop chasing a robber.
The cop hollered to his partner, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''
Then the parrot said, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''
They kept walking and found a man who was trying to pry his car off the ground with a crowbar because his wheels had been stolen.
The man said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!''
The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!''
They kept on walking to a carnival. A guy at a gamestand yelled, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!''
The parrot said, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!''
Then they walked into a church and sat down.
The minister was in the middle of the sermon.
He said, ''The Lord is above us.''
The parrot said, ''Shoot him down,shoot him down!''
The minister said, ''The devil is below us.''
The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up.''
Then the minister got angry and threw a bible at the parrot. The parrot ducked and the bible hit a fat lady behind him.
The parrot said,'' Hit a big one, win a prize!''


Oxford, Cambridge, and Urinal Etiquette
An Oxford and Cambridge Law grad met in a washroom during a law convention.
The Oxford graduate said, "Didn't they teach you to wash your hands at Cambridge?"
The Cambridge grad responded, "No they taught us not to p*ss on our hands."

Poof! You're a dog.

How do you make a cat be a dog?

Pour petrol on it and light it with a match. It will go 'WOOF.

You're So Stupid

You're so stupid that you think 'harass' is two words.

Doctors vs. Lawyers

Two Lawyers boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a doctor got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Lawyers.

The doctor kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the lawyer in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a Coke."

"No problem," said the doctor, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the lawyers picked up the doctor’s shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the Coke, the other lawyer said, "That looks good, think I'll have one too."

Again, the doctor obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other lawyer picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The doctor returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the doctor slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked.

"This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and ****ing in Cokes?"

A Scottish tourist at his first baseball game...

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with Google Page Ranking-r-ride man! Walk with Google Page Ranking-r-ride!!!!"



















Cousin Jack Falls Apart

One friend was talking with another friend about his cousin who recently passed away.

"By the time cousin Jack died he had a transplanted heart, a plastic hip joint, a plastic leg and a plastic arm."

"Where did they burry him?'"

"Duh - they didn't bury him, he was recycled!"

Le Parfumerie y le Blonde

One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."

The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me."

So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."

Name Those Tracks
Two blonde biologists were in the field one fine summer day. While following a game trail, they came across a pair of tracks. "Look! a pair of tracks" The first blonde said while pointing to the ground.

"Those are deer tracks," the other blonde replied.

"Oh no,"she said to the first, "Those are definitely moose tracks."
With this, they began to argue. In fact, they were still arguing when the train hit them



Blonde Stewardess

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering
what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captaind asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says "Do Not Disturb"!!



Monkey Organization

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

Duck orders quakers

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender explains that the bar doesn't have any quackers.
The next day, the same duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender again explains that the bar doesn't serve quackers.
Sure enough, the very next day, the duck again walks into the bar and asks for some quackers. The bartender screams at the duck, "If you come in here one more time, I'm going to nail your beak into the wall with a hammer and some nails! "
A few days pass, and then the duck walks into the bar again.The bartender notices the duck and says, "I'm warning you!"
The duck replies, "Do you have a hammer?"
The bartender replies, "No!"
The duck asks, "Do you have any nails?"
The bartender replies, "No!"
The duck grins and asks, "Do you have any quackers?"