[Bazf]

After being uncermoniously dumped out of the European Cup by an Italian team and having about as much chance of catching Chealski as "wor Bryan" has of keeping WBA in the premiership Manchester United Manager Sir Alex Ferguson has sensationally announced that everyone has to leave the club and just let him get on with things.
The mad colourful Scotsman has finally flipped and announced that he's had enough of the players and their high wages, the coaches who keep trying to coach the team and opposing teams who keep trying to take his beloved but rather plain Premiership trophy.
"Frae now, on, ah'll be teeking all treenin, physio, grooonds-keeping, washin' an ironing all 23 kits before and after matches an' ahl be playing wan thru t'eleven fo the full 98 minuits ta boot ye ken.
"It'll be greeeeeeeeeeet, noo-wan cannae get in ma weey noo, ah'na said it all alooong noo, I can dee betta than any 'a these lat anyday ye see nah.
"At the moment noo, a'hm deein a wee bit'o keeper practice a'hm deein alreet, satdee ah'll be movin mah-sen t'midfield and next week: spoot kicks and a wee bit'a defence ye' ken.
"Nah GET OOT MAH CLUB befae I brae yer wi'mah boots yer F****** B******** noo "

Manchester United Chairman and former body builder Roy (Hercules) Gardener failed to shed any light on the current situation claiming he went to work this morning, the locks had been changed and the prawn sandwiches had been tampered with.
"It's a bit of a concern, we'd just had a gross of thousand island dressing delivered"

We tried to get some more information by phoning the MUFC/BSKYBPLC hotline and after several attempts, we got through...

'Eh, wit yah waant, yeez F***** media ar ahll the same yer F******* B******* alla ya, Nah F*** ootta vit, a'hm treeyan ta get the F****** creases oota these F****** jersey things nah. F****** stey press mah arse!’

We quickly put the phone down as our 70 second call had already cost us eight pounds and we some how had ordered 5 different home shirts and 3 away shirts.

More news to follow...