Accrington Web - View Single Post

slinky · 30-03-2005, 17:32

here are 30 things to do at a funeral......................................Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.
Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
Punch the body and tell people he hit you first.
Tell the widow that you're the deceased's illegitimate son.
Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they are not in it.
Start licking the widow's face. Apologise. Then do it again.
Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.
Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
Leave some phony dog poo on the deceased's forehead.
Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.
Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.
Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.
Put super-glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose. But don't be discreet; make sure everyone can clearly see the trumpet.
When no one is looking, slip plastic vampire teeth into the deceased's mouth.
Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
Push the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.
Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she marry you

30-03-2005, 17:32	#1
slinky God Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: On the Edge! Posts: 5,131 Blog Entries: 76 Liked: 0 times Rep Power: 364	Do funerals have to be so sombre!!!!!!! here are 30 things to do at a funeral......................................Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens. Punch the body and tell people he hit you first. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's illegitimate son. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo. Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they are not in it. Start licking the widow's face. Apologise. Then do it again. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow. Leave some phony dog poo on the deceased's forehead. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on. Put super-glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss. Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose. But don't be discreet; make sure everyone can clearly see the trumpet. When no one is looking, slip plastic vampire teeth into the deceased's mouth. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint. At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose. Push the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she marry you __________________ Millions of sperm and you was the fastest?? Miracles do happen!!