[lettie]

1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it

from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she

loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.



2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but

even saying it to kids makes you the man.



3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks?

Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the

game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling

the man. Magic.



4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt,

is it? Hand it here love. Who needs a

sharpener when you can whittle.



5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines

driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your

rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish -

noisy destruction = man.



6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table,

slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint

in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door,

saying, "Let's go" and striding out while

everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God,

you're hard.



7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to

stir paint with.



8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife

wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good.

"Ooh, did it hurt?". "Nah".



9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds

have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other

hand have physical evidence of your hardness,

sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grrrrr, what

does it look like.



10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all

it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've

not seen eye to eye in the past", it says "but

someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".



11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than

you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling

while smoking a fag? Superb.



12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR -

Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that Becks, I kick so hard I

set off car alarms.



13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you.

It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your

mates are p!ssed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't

know that.



14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist

issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork

scratchings.



15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or

breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing"

to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.



16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?



17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have

little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see

how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then,

we'll make do with the aisles.



18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its

for paying the plumber later but with that much cash

you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is

peeling notes off the roll later.



19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike

birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep.

Drink? Red lion? The Feathers it is then. Seven. See ya."



20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time.

Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no

reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds

best driver.



21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time,

men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why?

So, when it's over we can stand there in silence,

surveying our work with one hand resting on

the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of

ale. Aaaah.



22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU -

especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off?

Nothing much, just a brain hemorrhage".



23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips?

For that? Are you mad, woman?"



24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code

that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge,

long man-sized dump.