[Less]

1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it

from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she

loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

1a Jars are only mens work because she doesn't want to break a nail (try coming home drunk when she promised her visiting sister you would be sober and see how long it takes to wring your neck!).



2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but

even saying it to kids makes you the man.

2a Try using that phrase to some skin-head dungeree wearing lesbian and see how long you survive!

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks?

3a A proper slide tackle is when you think you've gained an advantage with the duvet, but, she reaches for your balls as if in a moment of passion only to shift her arse and knock you out of bed!

Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the

game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling

the man. Magic.

3b please see 3a women do that in their sleep!

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt,

is it? Hand it here love. Who needs a

sharpener when you can whittle.
4a You may as well whittle you came home drunk, you threw up on the carpet and you still don't know what you did wrong! (Whittling is the only honourable way out).



5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines

driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your

rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish -

noisy destruction = man.

5a At last you can get rid of the crap she has been keeping, that stopped you from spreading your crap out that little bit further!



6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table,

slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint

in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door,

saying, "Let's go" and striding out while

everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God,

you're hard.

6a For the past three hours she's been threatening you with an early night, now that you have built up the courage to fulfill all that she demands she's chickening out!

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to

stir paint with.

7a Of course it's to stir paint with she won't let you fulfill the fantasy of what you would really like to do with the stick!



8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife

wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good.

"Ooh, did it hurt?". "Nah".

8a You have to say "nah" otherwise you'll be reminding her of what you had to go through last time she had P.M.T. that gave you the scar (she won't remember), and let's face it no-one wants that horror again!




9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds

have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other

hand have physical evidence of your hardness,

sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grrrrr, what

does it look like.

9a Your tired, you did everything she wanted (including that thing with the super-glue), but will she let you sleep in? NO! The sun came through the curtains and she has to wake you up and tell you, you have less than thirty seconds to get ready (or else)!



10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all

it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've

not seen eye to eye in the past", it says "but

someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

10a Your knodding at coppers why? because he knows and you know she is ****ed and you are the one that has to put up with it!



11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than

you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling

while smoking a fag? Superb.

11a Nah, tough is working on a gas central heating boiler and smoking a fag!



12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR -

Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that Becks, I kick so hard I

set off car alarms.

12a Explaining to your girlfriend that the alarm doesn't actually need to be on while your driving, that's tough!



13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you.

It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your

mates are p!ssed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't

know that.
13a You know and your mates know your late because when she asked , "does my bum look big in this?", You gave the wrong answer and have just been through WWIII.



14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist

issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork

scratchings.
14a Hoy vaey? what's wrong with pork scrathings?


15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or

breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing"

to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

15a You knew you were a dad the day she announced to the world that she was pregnant and all her friends congratulate her as if it's going to be an immaculate birth!

16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

16a I'm thinking winking must be a typo, but I have to admit what it represents I can't imagine to be a turn on for any observer!



17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have

little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see

how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then,

we'll make do with the aisles.

17a Don't go there where he wants to be is the pub forcing him to use a hammer can endanger your health!

18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its

for paying the plumber later but with that much cash

you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is

peeling notes off the roll later.

18a He must be a single guy with his own bank account any married man knows there is no point going to the cash point!

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike

birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep.

Drink? Red lion? The Feathers it is then. Seven. See ya."

19a I've read the 'phone bill I know we will be cut off any minute!

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time.

Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no

reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds

best driver.

20a I'm ****ed, I can hardley stand, I can't run two words together to make a sentance but, good god woman I've never had to walk this far to the curb in my life!



21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time,

men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why?

So, when it's over we can stand there in silence,

surveying our work with one hand resting on

the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of

ale. Aaaah.

21a we're back to that question of, "does my bum look big in this?", (don't say a word just stare into the distance as if you are contemplating all that's wrong with the Universe).



22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU -

especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off?

Nothing much, just a brain hemorrhage".

22a The main thing wrong is not being able to get that malignant growth off our bollocks (woman)!



23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips?

For that? Are you mad, woman?"

23a Congratulations a woman that recognises there are more than one type of screw driver, (next thing you will refrain from hitting it with a hammer)!



24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code

that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge,

long man-sized dump.
24a Leave me alone it's the only thing I can do without you interrupting, it's bad enough that you follow me straight in with that freshener spray!
__________________
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.