lol!! Some of the mmm more alternative
scopes make me chuckle here's one I found by Darren Sant .......... by the way slinky take note of yours
Aquarius 21 Jan - 19 Feb: This month mercury is entering Uranus. Seek immediate medical attention.
Pisces 20 Feb - 20 Mar: Now might be a good time to write your last will and testament.
Aries 21 Mar - 20 Apr: Mars is dominant in your sign this month. If you happen to spot Beagle please let NASA know.
Taurus 21 Apr - 21 May: You will live up to your star sign this month by talking more bull than ever.
Gemini 22 May - 21 Jun: Venus is entering your sign. This is the only heavenly body you will see for some time, you loser.
Cancer 22 Jun - 23 Jul: A tall dark stranger will enter your life this month. After ripping you off he will run off with your sister. Better luck next time.
Leo 24 Jul - 23 Aug: The tide of planetary fortune is flowing but it remains, as ever, out of your feeble grasp.
Virgo 24 Aug - 23 Sept: If you're thinking of having plastic surgery then please do. Do us all a favour!
Libra 24 Sept - 23 Oct: Scales? Don't make me laugh you're about as well balanced as Jack Nicholson in the film The Shining.
Scorpio 24 Oct - 22 Nov: Don't go to Egypt in the near future. If you do in a cruel twist of fate you will be stung by a scorpion and die convulsing in the desert.
Sagittarius 23 Nov - 21 Dec: Your wife will run off with the milkman. The kids will steal your wallet. The dog will crap in your slippers and the elastic will snap on the furry dice in your Skoda, which will break down. Not a good month for you.
Capricorn 22 Dec - 20 Jan: If you're taking on extra responsibilities others will appreciate it. They will also think you are a sucker and put upon you time and again. You weak willed Yutz learn to say no for God's sake.