[jambutty]

It is some 40 years since I last hit the streets of Malta. Valletta to be precise and to be even more precise Strait Street better known then as The Gut. Door to door bars and restaurants on both sides of the street from top to bottom and it was a long, long street. Most were sleazy and sold their local hooch that we nicknamed ‘Screech’ as well as the usual drinkable alcohol. It was a potent white wine I think, although it defied classification. Great for polishing salt sprayed brasses on the upper deck though and a first rate paint stripper. It was almost impossible to drink it neat. You had to have something like orangeade with it to make it slightly palatable.

The beer was Hop Leaf.

One bar, aptly named Dirty Dick’s Bar (The House For Cocktails) 144b, 144c Strait Street, Valletta, Prop J Attard opposite Ciko’s Restaurant handed out small booklets with this printed on the back.
I’m out for the night
If I get drunk, tie this label
to my button hole and
SEND ME HOME
Name ……………..…
Address ……………..
Do not knock, but ring the bell,
And if the Mrs. comes, run like ‘HELL’.

Inside would be printed some pearls of wisdom. Like:
ME FADDER

When I reached the age of three
Who took me on his bony knee
Showed me the proper way to pee
ME FADDER

When I’d often miss the pan
(As you very simply can)
Who said “now hold it like a man.”
ME FADDER

As years began to pass
I’d pee to yards into a glass
And if I missed who’d kick me arse.
ME FADDER

Now I can pee both high and low
Or from a great height in a po
Who was it taught me all I know.
ME FADDER

If you would be as good as me
At this noble art of pee
Who d’you think’s the bloke to see.
ME FADDER


And
ME MUDDER

When my prayers were early said
Who tucked me up in my widdle bed
And spanked my bum till it was red.
ME MUDDER

Who lifted me from my cosy cot
And sat me on an ice cold pot
And made me pee if I could not.
ME MUDDER

And when the morning light had come
And in my crib I dribbled some
Who wiped my tiny liddle bum
ME MUDDER

Who did my hair so neatly part
And pressed me gently to her heart
And sometimes squeezed me till I’d fart
ME MUDDER