[Jo]

Talking of sport

> Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed  
>to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other  
>nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Rugby  
>World Cup 2003 Organising Committee has now agreed to the following  
>pre-match displays:  
>  
> 1. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in  
>the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they  
>invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that  
>everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world.  
>  
> 2. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before  
>smashing a bottle over their opponents' heads.  
>  
> 3. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half  
>performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route  
>from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponent's dressing room.  
>  
> 4. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh  
>suggestion following representations from the RSPCA.  
>  
> 5. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition  
>territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly  
>removed by the match stewards.  
>  
> 6. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more  
>important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst  
>they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.  
>  
> 7. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future  
>years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most  
>important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called  
>'Saving No.8 Lyle'.  
>  
> 8. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the  
>rest of the team to ransom.  
>  
> 9. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the  
>female stewards and then run away.  
>  
> 10. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and  
>then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will  
>then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their  
>appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be heard.  
>  
> 11. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good  
>salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high  
>speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy  
>from the UK Government).  
>  
> 12. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the  
>opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the  
>halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much to the delight of  
>Wales!) and burn the officials.  
>  
> 13. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative  
>singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to  
>come and live with them in Shepherds Bush!