Accrington Web - View Single Post - Steps go no-where

katex · 05-02-2007, 18:18

Just an explanation I was sent today, which might amuse you as some truths here:-

'It's in case you need to dump a body in the river.

I know that might seem like something to discourage, but there was a whole council investigation into the problem of not having steps to allow murderers access to body dumping sites. First, the forward planning team at Hyndburn Borough Council had to commission a private consultancy to investigate potental sites in the Hyndburn area that would be suitable for the dumping of bodies (access to hardware stores, proximity to a getaway route, lack of lighting, place to wash blood off hands, etc), Then, based on the outcomes of the report, the engineering team had to submit a detailed design proposal of the steps down to the river based on the outcomes of a public consultation that lasted eighteen week and required a public enquiry and the approval of 15 councillors who spent the entire period arguing and submitting huge expense claims (obviously in the public interest). To ensure that no ecological sites were going to be affected by the late night intrusion of deluded psychotics, dragging dismembered corpses over Sites of Specific Scientific interest and that decomposing bodies in the water would not disturb the resting grounds of Great Crested Newt; an Environmental Impact Assessment was conducted that lasted until Spring.

The Health and Safety Executive had to conduct an audit into whether the steps down to the river posed a risk of slip, trips and falls (remember Health and Safety is EVERYONES responsiblity), and a risk assessment form has to be filled out in triplicate and forwarded to the Chief Executive's office. By now, there existed some objections from members of the public who lived near the chosen site, and felt that the site was too close to their back gardens and agreed that although the area needed a site for murderers to dump bodies, they did not want the site near their houses (because it might block out their light, cause extra traffic during the school run when they really should be making THEIR fat, lazy kids walk to school, or cause extra noise during the times when they are not at work). The Secretary of State's office thought that the planning application was of national interest, so called the step development application in for a national review before finally granting planning permission.

Now that the objections had been dealt with, the design was approved (after a period of no less than 8 weeks) planning permission had been granted and construction had started on site, it was found that no murderers had actually expressed a wish for the steps in the first place, and the council could not guarantee that the steps would be used to their full potential, and will not meet the governments 'Best Value' criteria in the ongoing Cost-benefit analysis. However, not providing the steps was adjudicated by the Eurpopean Court to the breach of murderer's human rights, and the steps had to be finished.

The steps were constructed and now they are availabe for use by the general public, and have won a national planning award for forward thinking and sustainable development'

So, ya' think planning is easy do you ??

Actually they are steps for access to the river to test the water levels and the dangling thingy you can see is just a buoy..

05-02-2007, 18:18	#20
katex Resting in Peace Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Clayton-le-Moors Posts: 10,551 Blog Entries: 3 Liked: 16 times Rep Power: 11259	Re: Steps go no-where Just an explanation I was sent today, which might amuse you as some truths here:- 'It's in case you need to dump a body in the river. I know that might seem like something to discourage, but there was a whole council investigation into the problem of not having steps to allow murderers access to body dumping sites. First, the forward planning team at Hyndburn Borough Council had to commission a private consultancy to investigate potental sites in the Hyndburn area that would be suitable for the dumping of bodies (access to hardware stores, proximity to a getaway route, lack of lighting, place to wash blood off hands, etc), Then, based on the outcomes of the report, the engineering team had to submit a detailed design proposal of the steps down to the river based on the outcomes of a public consultation that lasted eighteen week and required a public enquiry and the approval of 15 councillors who spent the entire period arguing and submitting huge expense claims (obviously in the public interest). To ensure that no ecological sites were going to be affected by the late night intrusion of deluded psychotics, dragging dismembered corpses over Sites of Specific Scientific interest and that decomposing bodies in the water would not disturb the resting grounds of Great Crested Newt; an Environmental Impact Assessment was conducted that lasted until Spring. The Health and Safety Executive had to conduct an audit into whether the steps down to the river posed a risk of slip, trips and falls (remember Health and Safety is EVERYONES responsiblity), and a risk assessment form has to be filled out in triplicate and forwarded to the Chief Executive's office. By now, there existed some objections from members of the public who lived near the chosen site, and felt that the site was too close to their back gardens and agreed that although the area needed a site for murderers to dump bodies, they did not want the site near their houses (because it might block out their light, cause extra traffic during the school run when they really should be making THEIR fat, lazy kids walk to school, or cause extra noise during the times when they are not at work). The Secretary of State's office thought that the planning application was of national interest, so called the step development application in for a national review before finally granting planning permission. Now that the objections had been dealt with, the design was approved (after a period of no less than 8 weeks) planning permission had been granted and construction had started on site, it was found that no murderers had actually expressed a wish for the steps in the first place, and the council could not guarantee that the steps would be used to their full potential, and will not meet the governments 'Best Value' criteria in the ongoing Cost-benefit analysis. However, not providing the steps was adjudicated by the Eurpopean Court to the breach of murderer's human rights, and the steps had to be finished. The steps were constructed and now they are availabe for use by the general public, and have won a national planning award for forward thinking and sustainable development' So, ya' think planning is easy do you ?? Actually they are steps for access to the river to test the water levels and the dangling thingy you can see is just a buoy..