[West Ender]

I am fortunate enough never to have had the horror of losing a child either by death or in this awful way but I did see my husband, who was a big strong man, die within 2 days from meningococcal septicaemia at the age of 55 - 11 years ago next week. Suffering from shock as well as grief, I couldn't function and didn't eat for a week, spending a lot of time with my head in my hands, sobbing. I had 3 grown up children and they got me through but I had to take stock and realize they were grieving too. None of them had had the chance to say goodbye to him and they were hurting too but they had put me first. I had to let them see that I was all right, for their sakes.

I laughed with them, after the funeral, when my husband's friends came back to the house. I felt like screaming but I didn't, I smiled. I went back to work and I put my "professional head" on, it helped, then I went home each evening and howled. It's what you have to do or you go mad. Though sometimes I couldn't stop the odd tear, I did my best not to cry when other people were around. Public grief is no more genuine than private grief.

I don't agree with the media hype the case has generated and I think the public has latched on to this in an unhealthy way, similar to when Diana died. I totally agree with those who point out that many other children have gone missing, and worse, without the hysteria that we have seen here. I don't, however, blame the McCanns for wanting to do everything they can in the belief that it will help. I felt guilty when my husband died because I hadn't called a doctor earlier, thinking he had gastric flu, the symptoms were identical. I can imagine how they must feel having left that child unattended, albeit only a few yards away. Whatever the outcome, that feeling of guilt will never leave them and is probably driving them to do things they might not, otherwise, do.