[lettie]

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff
broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the
side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the damn
thing in the first place, you fat gits.

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat
friend's backside, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The
possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking
any of them.

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic
explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their
noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to
impress the girls.

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.