[Sparkologist]

Once upon a time , there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them but they had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice, and soon after, they got married.

A few months later, on the way home from work his car broke down, and since they lived in the country he phoned his wife to say that he would be a few hours late because he would have to walk home. On the way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to go, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered. By the time he left, he'd had three extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home, he putt-putted. He putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seem excited. 'Darling, I've got the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She then put a blindfold on him and led him into the dining room to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point, he was beginning to feel another one brewing. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the telephone.
Whilst she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg, 'parrrp', and let one go. Not only was it loud, it was ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air around him.

He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and, 'rrriipppp!' It sounded like a lumpy diesel engine turning over on a cold morning, and smelled even worse. To refrain from gagging, he tried waving his arms around a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt the urge coming back once again.
He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner: the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned into the conversation in the hallway and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them about with his napkin.

When he heard his telephone farewells, (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom), he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and placed his hands on top of it. Smiling contently, he was a picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologising for taking so long, she asked him if he had been peeking at the dinner. After assuring her that he hadn't, she removed the blindfold and yelled SURPRISE!!!

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the dinner table for his surprise birthday party.