Why Cucumbers are better than men 
the average cucumber is at least seven inches long
cucumbers stay hard for a week
a cucumber won't tell you size doesn't count
cucumbers don't get too excited
a cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety
cucumbers are easy to pick up
you can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket
... and you know how firm it is before you take it home
you only eat cucumbers when you feel like it
no matter how you slice it, you can always have your cuke and eat it too
cucumbers can get away any weekend
with a cucumber you can get a single room
... and you won't have to check in as "Mrs." Cucumber
a cucumber will always respect you in the morning
you can go to movie with a cucumber ... and see the movie
at a drive-in, you can stay in the front seat
a cucumber can always wait until you get home
a cucumber won't eat all the popcorn or send you out to get Milk Duds
a cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival
a cucumber won't ask "Am I the first?"
cucumbers don't care if you are a virgin
cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin
cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin
with cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once
cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall
cucumbers don't have sex hang-ups
cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on
cucumbers aren't into leathers and chains, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits and nuts
you can have as many cucumbers as you can handle
cucumbers never need a round of applause
cucumbers won't ask:
Am I the best?
How was it?
Did you come? How many times?
cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynecologist, ski/tennis instructors
a cucumber won't want to join your support group
a cucumber never wants to improve your mind
cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations
cucumbers won't ask about your last lover or speculate about your next one
a cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator
a cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over
no matter what age group you are in, you can always get a fresh cucumber
cucumbers can handle rejection
a cucumber won't pout if you have a headache
a cucumber won't care what time of the month it is
a cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet
with a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry
cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow
cucumbers won't give you a hickey
cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot
Afterwards, a cucumber won't:
want to shake hands and be friends
say, "I'll call you a cab."
tell you he's not the marrying kind
tell you he is the marrying kind
call his mother, ex-wife, or therapist
take you to confession
cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month
a cucumber won't make you go to the drugstore
cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for him
a cucumber a day keeps the ob-gyn away
a cucumber won't work your crossword with ink
a cucumber isn't allergic to your cat
with a cucumber, you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the flu season
cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car
a cucumber won't consume all your food or liquors
a cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library
cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest
a cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hair spray
cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor
cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub
a cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet
a cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower
with a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it
Cucumbers don't fart and then fluff the covers, or stick your head under
cucumbers don't compare you to a centerfold
cucumbers can't count to "10"
cucumbers don't tell you they like you better with longer hair
a cucumber will never leave you
for another woman
for another man
for another cucumber
a cucumber will never call and say, "I have to work late, honey." and then come home with the smell of Channel No a 19 on him
a cucumber never snaps your bra, or pinches your butt
you always know where YOUR cucumber has been
you won't find out later that your cucumber:
is married
is on penicillin or has AIDS
likes you, but loves your brother
a cucumber never has to call "the wife"
cucumbers never have mid-life crisis
a cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move
cucumbers never have to tell you what they did while on vacation
cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do
a cucumber won't wear shorts to your office party
you don't have to wait until halftime to talk to your cucumber
a cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve
a cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy blonde
cucumbers never want to take you home to mom
a cucumber doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with your family
a cucumber won't ask to be put through Medical school
a cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually
cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers
a cucumber won't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy."
a cucumber won't insist the little tykes be raised catholic, jewish, or orthodox vegetarian
it's easy to drop a cucumber
a cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything