[Bagpuss]

Because the real footy season started today and Wingy says we need to make people happy so they will give us some karma points, which I need, this joke is for the ladies or men who have football loving partners.

HOW TO ANNOY A FOOTBALL FANATIC.

Ask "Was that for offside?" every time the referee blows his whistle for any reason whatsoever.

Suggest that teams should be awarded half-goals for "really near misses".

Insist on an explanation of "goal difference", then pretend that you still don't understand.

Accidentally press play on the video remote control, then spend 10 seconds being unable to find the stop button.

React to the opposition's fifth goal with a cheery,

"Never mind, it's only a game".

Ask if anyone's been given out leg before wicket yet.

Ask why the players and referee can't just get together and discuss that controversial penalty decision in a nice calm, grown-up manner.

Mispronounce Pele as Peel.

Arrange for all your friends to ring up at five-minute intervals, each one pretending to be from a different market-research firm.

Respond to a sending-off by saying, "You know, red just doesn't suit that referee. He'd look much better with a light green card."

Ask why they need to see the fifth ultra-slow-motion replay before yelling, "How did the referee not see that was a penalty?"