Dr Helga is in the house.
 

It vould zeem zat many people have been upset lately about de zings zat are upzetting zem on zis zite. Zo, I ave been invited by my good friend Gayle to visit the zite and help out.

I am a qualivied psycho therapeest and villing to elp you all.

Firstly, Less - you are sad, ya! Get over it and start posting again and keep takeeng ze drugs!

Villow - you vant to elp people! Very onourable but you need to take some drugs!

Chav - you just need drugs!

Anyvon else vont assistance?

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

now that should definately be on the make you smile thread ,,,,,,,,

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

awwwww how sweet.....

now bog off :D

oh hang on

what kinda drugs you got there ...?

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

I zink you need to seetle down on ze couch. It might take a long zession to zort out all your problems, Chav.

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

actualy a long session on the couch sounds pretty good right about now ;)

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And I thought I was bonkers so I pass my crown to Gayle.:silly: :thankya:

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

what do i need? wonders the insomiac.

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Pleese to start. First ve need to look at some pictures, vat does zis remind you of

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Ze anser is easy my friend, you need to zit in a Counsil Cabinet meeting - I am zure you vill zleep easy after zat.

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Doctor Helga darling, I have a terrible swelling, which is the bane of my life.

Should I have it lanced, or learn to live with it?


:(Rindy.

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Zank you. I vill vear it vid pride!

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Or you cood try ze drugs!

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Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

thank you dr helga thats one i aint tried yet lol :)

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Ah, my favorite patient. You are een devinite need of ze elp. I vill be around wit ze ot scalpel zoon.

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Get back in here. I vill not ave you valking out on me.

Relax, take is eesy - I vill not bite. Unless you are requiring zee aversion zerapy to dogs.

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

okay not stopping, just having a nosey...

really I was curious to rindy's swelling ;)

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Eet is not somezing you vant to look at. I vould be suggesting zee restraints if you ver to get too klose.

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Red actually saw my swelling Doctor Helga last Saturday night after our night out, she was shocked at how engorged and red it was I was very embarrased.

I used to be a patient of your older, taller sister's Doctor Ruth, but I desperatley need your help.

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Dr Ruth, she iz zee big phonee. I av zee anser to your probelems. Vat you need is zee paper bag on zee head. You vill still ave zee zwelling but no von vill see you emaressment.

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Thank you Doctor Helga, I will try the paper bag.

I was going to cut a hole in my shoes to let my bunion breath.:)

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

I am glad too bee of zome azziztance. Next!

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Good evening Doctor Helga, I have a rather curious problem, I live in terror of having an accident that isn't my fault, What do you think I should do?

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Ahhh, zis ees zee interesting qvestion. I zee ve should be asking if anyvone else is skared ov you aving zees accident or not?

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

There appear to be an awful lot of people on TV who seem as concerned about it as I am.

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Ave you been falling off zee TV?

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Well I didn't really like to say anything, but... yes! Well, I had to stand up there to get something from the top shelf of the cupboard. There I was, just about to grab my prize, when before I knew it the world turned upside down and Jan lewis was smiling down at me with instructions to tune into the ten o'clock news... I felt such a fool!

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Ah, now I av zee answer to your probleem. If you ave been feeling fools you only ave yourself to blame. Leave zem alone! Next.......

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

So, oo is next for ze couch? Do you feel oppressed by ze Accrinton veb forcing you to post?

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Gayle, I don't want the drugs...but have you by anychance got a spare packet of Kleenex........I have tears running down onto my keyboard......what a good laugh!
How come i missed this thread the first time around?

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

After you've had Acrylic Bob on the couch for the last two and half years I don't think I'll bother, I aint got that much stamina :D

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Do you travel Dr Helga?

Not to me - i can get to your office but i think someone somewhere is in need of your ministrations still in Lancashire - there is a train station there but you would have to change at Preston to get there.

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Dr Helga,
I am in urgent need of your help, are you any good at easing peoples phobias, if you are you're probably the person I've been seeking for a few weeks now, well since the 29th Jan, when I started posting again on Accy Web. I have this morbid fear of the initials GJ, please help and rid me of this blight.

Yours in anticipation
jaysay

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Dr. Helga is very good, and I'd highly recommend her.

It's all down to her that I haven't been troubled with any swellings for these past three years.

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

****** that!! I will pay for Dr. Helga's Taxi

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

You mean to say you get Ginger to donate the taxi! http://www.accringtonweb.com/forum/i...ons/icon10.gifhttp://www.accringtonweb.com/forum/i...ons/icon10.gifhttp://www.accringtonweb.com/forum/i...ons/icon10.gif

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

I wouldn't wish that on him!! I love him :D

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Im sure he has workmates you dont like very much ......:p:p

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

:rolleyes::rolleyes: I could have a nice little Blackmail scam going on here :D:D

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Now slinks it wouldnt be blackmail now you've told us all about it!!! ;)

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Dr. Helga,

I need your help, whenever I drift off I have blurry visions of numbers and percentages dashing in front of me. When I manage to focus they appear to be council tax figures, I can't stop dreaming about them, what can I do??

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Vote Labour :D

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Vee need to start vith one probleem at a time - Margaret, perhaps you vis been peeling zee onions too close to your keyboard.

I suggest carrots instead of ze onions.

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

You vill definitely need zee drugs! i beleeve ze little blue diamond shaped ones are ze vons you vant for stamina.

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Dr Helga is fine as she vis, she changes for no one.

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

My friend Gayle eees most gratevul you do not have zeee fear of ze letters GK. Perhaps, zeees ees can be cured by aversion therapy, you must zeeek out ze GJs. You must confront zeee GJs.

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

I vill address zee rest of your probleeems very soon.

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Never thought Dave it could be the the reason he's having bad dreams:D

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Since my swelling was cured by Dr Helga, my only real problem now is keeping my mouth shut.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/olmedia/164500...ngue150_ap.jpg

I've enclosed a picture, if it helps you shed any light on my inability to keep my gob shut.

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

dear Dr Helga, i have been away from this site for a few days, please can you tell me whats going on in the chat room? :D

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Dear Helga, I play a lot of solitaire on my PC and win often
I have found that this has caused me to play solitaire in my sleep, but never win.
Can you advise me how to improve my sleeping game score?

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

lol i did it in 38 seconds the other day, was quite proud of myself actually ;)

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

I am ze leettle concerned by your 'ostilitee, Shillelagh, perhaps you vis needing to lie down on zee couch for a short vile.

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Oh, zis ees a seevious probleem, you vill need to eraze zee numbers. I suggest you count zee sheeep instead. Or zee alternative is to put a picture of any counseeelor be zee side of your bed, you vill then 'ave zee sweet dreams.

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Oh Garinda, you are my zee most favoreet of my patients and now zat i have zeen your most recent problem I zink I like you all zee more.

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

I am a psychotherapist not a mind reader.

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

could you recommend a mind reader then? :D

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Another of zee sleeeping probalems. I zink zee probalem is who you go to zee bed vith. If you go to bed with zee right person you vill alvays get a good score.

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Speeed is not alvays a goood zing ven you are scoring.

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I was driven to it Dr Helga ........ has my friend slinky may agree.

I think i just frustrated - grangemouth is a long way away and long distance relationships .... :D

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Well Dr. Helga I did have a very small fear of the letters GK around 2 years ago, but my friends P and B sorted that out OK. As for your advice about seeking out GJs, I have tried but they keep ignoring me, especially on here:cool:

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Ah yees, zeee PBs, zay ave a vay of zorting out zings, eet's never zee most 'subtle' vay but it is usually a vay!

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Yeees, I zink I zee ze zolution now. I've you have an attack of zee Grange Mouth you need to use an anteeeseptic moute vash.

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

But which one Dr Helga? http://www.accringtonweb.com/forum/i...ons/icon10.gif

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Hows Dr Helga Gayle :D ... she never recommended a moute vash ....:rolleyes:

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

Dr Helga ees very vell zank you. I haven't had zee patients for a long time.

Ah, zee only moute vash vich vill vork is zee soap and zee vater, zis vorks very vell for zee Grange moute.

Re: Dr Helga is in the house.
 

it didnt work ... tried that before ..... and i still got grange moute:D:D:D