Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

Especially when they approach you uninvited!

So there I was having a smoke break outside a pub where I was approached by some chap that at first I thought was about to try and scrounge a fag. However After introducing himself as my 'mate' (a complete stranger calling me mate is a sure way to ensure they get a cold reception), he went on to ask if I would like to buy some cheap tobacco. It being a Thursday I try my best not to swear at strangers so I informed him politely that I had no interest in his merchandise as I only smoke filter tipped.
This did not stop his sales pitch, he informed me he had packs of two hundred pucker fags. I could tell he was going to be hard to get rid of and having finished my smoke I wanted to return to my pint.
Desperate times call for desperate measures so I decided to lie.

"I'm sorry mate, but my works contract forbids me from buying tobacco products from anywhere except legal establishments, I would get the sack".

'Wow' said he, 'what sort of employer puts such restrictions on it's workers?'

I replied in a low whisper as if confiding a tremendous secret, 'Customs and Excise'.

I have never seen two carrier bags and their owner disappear from view at such a great speed from a standing start, hopefully when I go out today and stand in the same place I will only have to put up with our local beggars!
:joint::alright:

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

Well, it seems to be my week for meeting and greeting strangers, I was wandering home the long way (three steps forward two back) having ensured that at least one business in Accrington will have earned enough for it to open again tomorrow.

Yet again it involves a cigarette, I had just taken one from my packet and lit up, I think it's the bright red glow that attracts them, a bit like a moth to a flame, stepping into my personal space came a young man, 'excuse me, I'm not a scrounger', he said, 'I've got money could you sell me a fag?'.

I was struck by this novel approach, usually these folk just slur out a demand, 'gimme a fag' (usually followed by verbal abuse once I refuse).
Therefore my curiosity peaked I asked this affluent ne'r do well how much he was prepared to give for one of my superkings, 'I got 25p' he replied.
'Well I can see this as a little bit of a problem do you know how much 10 of these things cost?'
'About a fiver?' he conjectured, 'Yes, which works out at 50p each, therefore for you to be true to your word and not be a scrounger, surely you should offer me 75p?'.
It was at this point that I got the verbal abuse we know so well whilst wandering around our town.

On the plus side, this young chap will now have a basic grasp of economic's which, should we remain in the EU after the 23rd of June will qualify him to stand as our local MEP, it's a funny old world and just goes to show, politics effects almost all that we do.

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

Oh dear, Less.....The first post had me laughing....But your second one caps it.
Especially the bit about economics.
Have you looked in the mirror to see if someone has scrawled MUG on your forehead?

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

I thought that was a birth mark and when I look in a mirror it almost looks like gum!

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

:D:D:D...you need to get it off Less.

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

Poor Less ... seems as if you have become an asshole magnet. And those guys definitely seem to be candidates for George Carlin's "List of People Who Ought to Be Killed.":alright:

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

Today's little surprise/bargain basement item was as I was walking along Blackburn Rd, I was approached by a bloke with a made for life plastic bag crammed full of lava lamps, now I remember these from the 60's falling asleep watching one after indulging too much, however I have never seen so many in one place.

His bag he claimed contained 12 I could have them all for a pound each or purchase 1 for £1.50.

Maybe I've missed out on my chance to become an entrepreneur (hope I spelt that right), because when I got home I googled them and it seems they are popular once more, however I stood my ground and proclaimed that I can't imagine ever wishing to waste electricity plugging this device in and suggested he goes back and steals something worthwhile such as a pound of bacon?

He told me he was a vegetarian and it would be against his principles to steal meat!

O.K. I said, some blue cheese?

Vegan was the reply.

Well said I, I suppose a decent pair of leather boots will be out of the question?

He left at this point cursing me for not caring about the world and it's environment.

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

Oh dear Less.....I am going to have to look for that spare pair now.
Jeremy Corbyn made me cry.....and that is just the picture of him.
With you, I laughed so much the tears ran down my legs(ok TMI)

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

Yet another of the towns fully employed salsemen attempted to tempt me with his goods today, after approaching all the females in the pub with really cheap perfume (I do mean cheap the sort of stuff that as a kid you bought for mum at Christmas, the stuff that she would use on the drains in the new year, because although it didn't smell as good as domestos it killed far more germs).
He had no joy, selling it, he then approached me, would I like some for my loved one?
My reply was a nearly polite no, I confessed that I didn't know a member of the female sex that I hated enough to purchase such junk.
He wasn't put off, he just changed tactic, he has he claimed spare Gillette blades for my razor.
I pointed out to him the fact that I have a full beard, I have had a beard long enough for it to change colour over the years and didn't own a razor.
He started to look dismayed sad enough in fact for me to take advantage.
Look I said, do you do this full time, Stealing cheap crap then walking from pub to pub trying to sell it?

Yes, came his trembling reply he was almost pouting, well, I said, have you ever considered turning legitimate? I know a guy that sells double glazing, surely that would be an easier job than this and you have a natural aptitude for ripping folk off. It pays good commission.
He picked up a betting slip & pen from the bar and asked for the number.
I pretended to look through my phone contacts then made an 01254 number up, it might be interesting to see how he gets on.

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

It must be my lucky day, just as I was about to wend my merry way home, another hopeful came over to me.

Would you like to buy some football boots?
I'm in my sixties why would I want football boots I ask.
Well they're size 12 and cheap came the reply.
A pair of 9's would make me look like Mcdonald's clown, I'm not interested was my reply.

Oh come on he said, they're in Stanley colours surely you want to support your local team?

IF I want to support the team I won't buy nicked boots I will buy a season ticket, came from my gob.

Yeah but you can sell them on to someone young enough to play.

No, If I wanted someone young playing football I'd buy them an honest pair, I wouldn't want a pair that are nicked.

You've no loyalty to the team he came back with.

Well, that was it, he is perfectly right, I don't follow the team, I don't follow football, I don't understand football, I do like to hear when they win there lies my loyalty.

I have no loyalty towards nicked football boots no matter what team they represent.

Somehow I'm beginning to think, too many shoplifters and too many people buying from them exist in our town.
:(

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

Were you in the pub or on Broadway?

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

I was in a pub, not one I use regularly.

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

Less you need to turn out your pockets and look for the A$$hole magnet....you have probably picked it up by mistake :D

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

Maybe I bought one inadvertently last time I went to the pound shop?

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

get rid of it Less.

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

I don't know what it looks like I'll have to wait until the batteries die.

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

I didn't know which section to put this into, then I decided the author of the rant deserves to be amongst the lowest of the low which must be this thread.
He was obviously a greeny, obvious because he doesn't wash and the stains on his clothing were very, very, old.
I was outside having a fag, so was he, he'd already been irritating others, then he decided it was my turn, pollution he cried, you'll know about it won't you?
Well I replied which particular bit of pollution there are so many we are all guilty of causing.
He staggered forward and winked with his sober eye, corrected his balance before stepping off the curb in front of a bus.
Well I mean he said them there rockets they keep sending them up there it costs a fortune, how much pollution are they putting out?
I hesitated, after all I'm not a rocket scientist, then I put forward my best guess, don't they use a combination of oxygen, nitrogen, and hydrogen to power their rockets? So far as I understand they produce water when they blast off.
His reply was expletive off you smart arse you obviously know nowt.
I replied by saying he obviously has researched this far more than I and should forgive my ignorance. He smiled, wandered over to some other unsuspecting fool that had just come out for a fag, so he said, do you think the tree in Rhydding park should be saved? I saw the other guy frown knowing he was in for a long and pointless conversation.

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

Oh, this guy was good,

There I was sat outside one of our more reputable pubs enjoying the sunshine between the clouds, (by reputable I mean they have a sign that brags about how many hours it's been since they last had to call the police, yes, for me quite posh), the bloke staggered into an 8 foot table and apologised to it, I being foolish glanced up from my phone, that was enough he thought he had me.

Sorry mate sorry, didn't mean to disturb you but,

Ah yes, there has to be a but.

Can you lend me a pound until Thursday?

I informed him that today is Thursday, ah well he said, at the same time as dragging some minor silver coins of the realm from his pocket, I need the pound to get back home to Blackburn.

Even with my pound I replied you won't have enough to get to Blackburn, oh well in that case can you lend me two pounds?

My reply was no, I lend you two pounds and I am unable to get my next pint, I'll keep my two pounds.

Oh yes he says I know where your coming from, but I see your a smoker, can I have a fag while I ask others for my bus fare?
No came my reply, he got annoyed you know what you are?

Yes I replied I'm a complete Twit (substitute a for the i) but I'm two pounds richer than you are.

He finally gave up and went looking elsewhere, it was a joy to watch others had been listening and gave him shorter shrift in far more colourful language than I did.

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

Just doing a bit of re-reading and thankyou for the offer, but I think it would be best that I decline, it wouldn't do our reputations any good no matter how exciting it might be!
😆

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

There was nothing on offer Less.....so there will be no need to worry about either of our reputations.

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

Of course not, it could only be imagined as Compo and Nora Batty, its up to the others to decide which of us is whom!

:)

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

Oh Less....My imagination is in overdrive. :)

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

A bit like buses we wait for ages then two come along at once.

I was on a fag break grateful that because it's summer the rain falling was almost warm, when from the depths of the pub came a Scot, not one of the stereotypical Och eigh the noo type scots but the full blown four letter word self opinionated type of Scot.

Expletive, expletive, expletive, look at that car that Western Oriental Gentleman is driving for expletives sake.

I looked, the guy was driving a top of the range Jag.

It looks fantastic says I,


Expletive, expletive, expletive, no says he, what the expletive, is he doing in such an expletive car? I can't even afford the wheel on that expletive!

Well, says I perhaps he's earned it not all of 'em are criminals he could be a well educated proffesional that deserves to drive around in such a vehicle?

Expletive, expletive, expletive, I'm expletive educated, the people inside this pub are expletive well educated none of them can afford such a expletive car!

This so called conversation went on no doubt longer than it took the guy in the car to get his Jag outa town.

I finished it by saying, well I think you must be jealous.

There are not enough expletives to copy and paste as his reply suffice it to say, he asked me why I thought he was jealous.

Well said I, I know I am.

At this point he expleted off.

Then, before I could take another draw on my fag along comes the next one,

shouting into his mobile with his cigarette hanging from his mouth.

Obviously an important call or else he was using some new expletives he'd just learnt from a scotsman.
He stopped, made a signal with his fingers at me that he needed a light for his fag and continued swearing into his 'phone.
I remained motionless, he repeated the gesture I remained motionless, he moved his mouth away from his 'phone and shouted, I need an expletive light.

No, I replied You want an expletive light please.

He looked shocked but slowly repeated the above sentence.

I gave him a light and said, you see, all we have to do is use some expletive manners and we can get what we want.

His parting words showed he had paid attention to the lessons being taught by the Scotsman.:alright:

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

Less, you do lead an interesting life.
And I like hearing how you tell it.

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

I live the only life that I have, if I could choose to live it without these kind of people I would be tempted, but then, would it be as interestingly diverse?:idunno:

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

No, of course it wouldn't...and you would have nothing to make us chuckle.(well, it made me chuckle...perhaps I have a warped sense of humour...it was left out in the rain)

I think the batteries in your a$$hole magnet are Duracell plus...either that,or they are solar powered.

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

So here we are with today's little snippet.

Outside smoking as usual when a rather irate young man came up to me and with the usual flow of language asked me if 'his mate' was in the pub.

I asked calmly, what is your mates name?

He's my mate for flukes sake is he in there?

How do I know replied I, I don't know you and though I might know your mate and he may even be in there if I do, perhaps it would be easier if you just walked in and looked for yourself?
I can't go in there, I've been banned, look just go in and see if he's there.
I put my ciggy out, turned around and wandered into the pub, I used the chance to take a toilet break.
I then went back outside expecting he would by now have gone, no such luck.

Well is he there he screamed at me.

I've wandered through the pub says I, and I can honestly say if your mate is in there I didn't recognise him.

Well, booger says the irate one you'd think he would have come out knowing I'm here.

How does he know your here? You've asked me to go inside to find someone I don't know, I didn't find him, so maybe he's somewhere else? Would you like me to nip down the road and see if he's in another pub?

Nah, Yer right, I'm going that way meself, I'll ask when I get there.

There are times I get a splitting headache just like a hangover, without the chance of sobering up.

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

Less, you really need to find that ash hole magnet and take the batteries out of it.

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

Batteries aren't just for Christmas, Duracell make them for life!

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

I think yours must be solar powered.

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

Awww come on Margaret, with the weather we've had over the last few weeks?

Re: Persistent Salesmen Don't You Hate Them?
 

Ok,PV solar power then Less!